AFTER READING KATRINKIE'S BLOG THIS MORNING MAKES ME SIT BACK AND THINK ABOUT MY OWN SITUATION. EVEN THOUGH I DID NOT COME INTO A SITUATION OF AT HOME STEPS , SO MANY OF THE SAME PROBLEMS EXIST. I ALSO HAVE HAD TO ADMIT TO MYSELF THAT EVERYONE INVOLVED IN OUR SITUATION HAS CONTRIBUTED TO THE OUTCOME OF OUR SITUATION. MYSELF, THE STEPS ,THE EX, AND I THINK TO THE GREATEST DEGREE MY HUSBAND. FOR MYSELF, I SEE THAT I WENT INTO THIS RELATIONSHIP WITH NO KNOWLEDGE OR EXPERIENCE ABOUT STEPS. I WRONGLY ASSUMED THAT WE COULD ALL BE ONE HAPPY, EXTENDED FAMILY. I ALSO THOUGHT THAT AN EXTENDED KINDNESS FROM ME WOULD BE APPRECIATED IN THE SAME MANNER THAT IT WOULD BE APPRECIATED FROM A NEIGHBOR OR AQUAINTANCE.{SOMEONE YOU CARE OR HAVE CONCERN ABOUT BUT NOT NECESARILY LOVE} THE INVITATIONS TO PARTIES, DINNER, GIFTS SENT, MONEY LOANED, THE HOURS AND DAYS SPENT ENTERTAINING AND WATCHING AN AQUAINTANCE OR NEIGHBORS CHILD WOULD BRING ABOUT AN EXPECTED SENCE OF APPRECIATION AND EVEN A THANK YOU. NOT SO WITH STEPS. DAD OR IN MY CASE GRANDPA IS THE SHINING STAR FOR MAKING THESE THINGS HAPPEN, EVEN WHEN HE HAD MINIMAL OR NO PART IN IT. {THE NEIGHBOR OR AQUAINTANCE WOULD RECOGNIZE WHO WAS REALLY BEHIND THE ACTS OF KINDNESS.} WRONG THINKING ON MY PART--- MY MISTAKE. THE STEP CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN WERE THEY REALLY EVER INTENTIONALLY DISRESPECTFUL OR MEAN TO ME? HAVE TO SAY NO TO THAT. THEY WERE USED TO DAD STANDING THERE WITH HIS WALLET OPEN TO THEM IN EXCHANGE FOR A 15 SECOND PAT ON THE BACK. THEY WERE USED TO KNOWING THAT IF THEY COMPLAINED TO DAD ABOUT MOM NOT DOING FOR THEM , THEN HE WOULD JUMP IN TO OFFER HELP SO HE COULD BE THEIR SHINING STAR FOR THE MOMENT. AND IF THEY ANNOUNCED TO DAD SOMETHING MOM WAS DOING FOR THEM , HE WOULD JUMP IN TO OFFER HIS HELP AS IF THIS WAS A COMPETITION TO REMAIN IN THE RACE FOR RECOGNITION. THEY WERE NOT AWARE OF THE DEBT HE WAS PUTTING HIMSELF INTO. THEY WERE JUST FOLLOWING THE LIFE TIME INSTRUCTIONS THEY LEARNED FROM DAD AND MOM. ALONG WITH ALL THE OTHER LIFE LESSONS THEY HAD LEARNED OVER THE YEARS FROM DAD AND MOM. CHILDREN HAVE EARS, THEY GROW UP WATCHING AND LISTENING. CHILDHOOD BELIEFS ARE SO STRONG AND THE HARDEST TO CHANGE. WHEN MY STEPS TOLD ME THAT "DAD MARRIES TO BE TAKEN CARE OF" THAT WAS THEIR BELIEF BECAUSE THEY OBSERVED DAD MARRIED WOMAN WHO WERE WIDOWED ,LIVED BETTER THAN HIM,{HE HAD CHILD SUPPORT TO PAY} AND HIS LIFE IMPROVED ONCE HE REMARRIED. THEY LEARNED AND HEARD FIRST HAND THAT[ EVEN THOUGH THEIR MOM'S AFFAIRS WAS THE REASON FOR THE SPLIT UP OF THE FAMILY WHEN THEY WERE PRE SCHOOL AGE]DAD MUST LOVE THEIR MOM STILL SINCE THEY WOULD GET TOGETHER ANY TIME THEY WERE BOTH NOT INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE ELSE. THEY LEARNED THAT NEW SPOUSES WERE ONLY TEMPORARY AND IF THEY CAUSED ENOUGH STATIC BETWEEN A PARENT AND SPOUSE THAT PERSON COULD BE ELIMINATED FROM THE PICTURE. MOM AND DAD WOULD SOON BE BACK TOGETHER AT LEAST FOR FAMILY TIME.EVEN IF BOTH BAD MOUTHED EACH OTHER IT ONLY MEANT THEY LOVED EACH OTHER AND WERE HURT BECAUSE THEY WERE SO IN LOVE. IT IS HARD TO HOLD THEM RESPONSIBLE FOR LESSONS TAUGHT SINCE CHILDHOOD BY THE PARENTS. CAN I BLAME THE EX FOR PART? VERY LITTLE. SHE MUST ENJOY THE FACT THAT 7 OF THE LAST 12 YRS. HUSBAND AND I HAVE BEEN MARRIED SHE HAS SPENT CHRISTMAS WITH HIM AND THEIR CHILDREN.SHE AND I KNOW THE SENCE OF ACCOMPLISHMENT DERIVED FROM KNOWING YOUR EX IS TOGETHER AS FAMILY WHILE THE PRESENT WIFE IS ELSEWHERE. I MAY HAVE MARRIED HER GUY 20 YRS, AFTER THEIR DIVORCE BUT I AM STILL THE ONE SHE KNOWS WILL BE ENJOYING HIS LIFE INSURANCE, HIS PENSION, AND HIS SOCIAL SECURITY. IN ALL HONESTY I MIGHT BE TEMPTED TO DO THE SAME IF I WERE IN HER SHOES. SOMETIMES THE PERKS OF MARRIAGE ARE NOT THOUGHT ABOUT UNTIL YOU ARE OLDER.I ENJOY STAYING HOME,BETTER LIVING CONDITIONS,IN MY OLDER YEARS AS THE WIFE AND SHE AS A SINGLE PERSON STILL STRUGGLES TO EXIST. SO WHERE DOES MOST OF THE RESPONSIBILITY SEEM TO BE ON FOR OUR SITUATION? GUESS IT GETS LEFT TO THE HUSBAND. ONLY HE COULD HAVE SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT IN THE PAST AS TO HOW HE FELT ABOUT HIS PREVIOUS MARRIAGES TO THEIR STEP MOMS.ONLY HE COULD HAVE SET BOUNDRIES AND EXAMPLES FOR THEM TO FOLLOW THAT WERE DIFFERENT THEN WHAT THEY OBSERVED AND HEARD. IT IS HARDER TO TEACH AN OLD DOG NEW TRICKS BUT NOT IMPOSSIBLE. IN OUR SITUATION WE ARE ALL OLD DOGS. EVEN THE CHILDREN ARE IN THEIR 40'S SO IT JUST TAKES A BIT LONGER.