Some random observations from a step-son turned step-dad... To say the grass is greener on the other side of the fence is silliness. As a step-son, I could see it was pretty brown on both sides and I wondered why dad was more worried about her feelings that he was mine; now I get it. As a (soon to be) step dad, I see my fiancé is more worried about her kids feelings than she is mine, and while I appreciate that (having been a SKid, myself) - I don't know if she understands how much I care, especially when she sees me being a dad to the kids. It's like walking a tightrope...

My 18 year old son moved in with us last summer, and after the "Life of Riley" at his mom's, he didn't adapt well to us having expectations. You know, tough stuff, like "Take out the trash and recycling before Monday morning," "Get up in the morning and go to Driver's Ed," etc... Too many rules, so he ran back to mama after barely a week... I'm giving him some tough love these days, as his 18-going-on-19 wisdom has him telling me how wrong I am about how the world works. Ha! - uhh, ahhhhhh... I recall a series of epiphanies for myself about that age. Hard to imagine those epiphanies came so few years after I learned **SPOILER ALERT** there was no Santa Claus LOL... So I have to give him some time to figure it out, just like I was given. He'll get there, but only after we all stop showing him.

I had been working with my soon to be SKids, and I must say, fiancé sometimes treats her son as if he's a saint. Nobody can point out anything negative AT ALL. It's really given me cause to look at things considering "societal norms" for everyone, and there's a perpetually awkward stance by which step parents are expected to live.

Reasoning:
Parents have got the biological link advantage. That's better than "home team" - it's in your DNA. When mommy brought Junior home, everything was *perfect* about him. She saved a lock of his hair from his first hair cut. She took photos of every cute thing he did. She saved his first poopy diaper and had it freeze-dried (What?? You DIDN'T??). He could do NO WRONG. Even when he was wrong, there was a good reason, so TECHNICALLY, it was RIGHT. She took him to the grocery store, and he was running wild in the aisles like Mowgli in the jungle...

Strangers have NO biological link. They DO NOT find other kids' poopy diapers to be precious. They didn't get to watch Junior learn to walk or ride a tricycle. So, naturally, when Junior is doing his Mowgli impression in aisle Six, the stranger might look at the mom with a "Hey, lady... get your brat under control" scowl... Who knows, maybe he's a crusty curmudgeon and instead of yelling "Get offa my lawn!" he'll say, "Cool it, kid, you might bump into someone and embarrass your mom." GOD FORBID this stranger might actually DISCIPLINE Junior - after all, he's a STRANGERRRRRR.

But Step Parents are somewhere in between, and it's a wicked double-standard for us all to walk into. Awkward? Stilted? Uneven? Unfair? Pick any of these terms, add your own, do as you like... but it's TOUGH. Anyone who says otherwise was either blessed with an excellent mix of all the right ingredients and timing, or they've never been a SKid or SParent.
The difficulty comes in when we're expected to join in all the enthusiasm of meeting Junior at age 11, and at some point, mom has to show off his baby album.
Albums.
Library of albums. In a shrine dedicated to Junior. With this wadded up white plastic pouch under a glass box with lights shining on it, and as you walk closer, you see faint pastel-colored lettering that says "HUGGIES" - and a small sign that says, "Junior's first poop, January 2006." Holy shi - wait, no. But seriously, you're supposed to be that enthusiastic. Bubbly. Effusive. Remember the videos of North Korean people showing their overjoyed state when their Dear Leader walked by? Not quite like that because that's obviously forced, but you do need to show borderline glee.
Whenever Junior does something good, be prepared to host a party. Liking parties, I'm DOWN with that. He got all Cs and one B on his report card? Heh, my folks would have thrown a HUGE party for me, too!

Here's the kicker... When I was a kid, if I used a pellet gun and shot out my neighbor's bathroom window, I would have been in deep (said with a Barry White voice: "Mmmmm... Ohhh, yeahhh, baby... DEEEEEP") trouble. Mom and dad would promptly pay for the repair, and would promptly assign some chores at the neighbor's house (as well as our own) to repay them for the glass and to atone for doing something so incredibly stupid. The chores would have hopefully kept me standing and walking, because SURELY I wouldn't be able to sit for a week.
But a step parent can't do that, because a step parent, in a negative situation, is expected to be more like the stranger and NOT be the disciplinarian role to Junior. "How DARE you discipline MY child!!!" Step parents are often expected to not really have an opinion on things. Well, like political or religious discussions at the beauty parlor, "You can have those opinions, as long as you keep them to yourself." Step parents might be smart to keep in mind that, like political or religious comments, parenting "tips or suggestions" might be equally unwelcome. It can be tricky to navigate these things, and bear in mind that some days, no matter what you do, it'll be wrong.