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is she controlling him or am i just going mad?? help!

flynner101's picture

Submitted by flynner101 on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 9:27pm

i just found this site and thought some of the advice looked good, i hoping to get some that might help or at least shed a bit of light on this subject for me.

i met my bf 8 years ago and we are now expecting a baby together. i have a 12 yr old daughter from a previous relationship, my bf an daughter get along famously. he has 2 children 10 and 16 from his previous marrage also. when i first met his children we took things very slowely. after sum time i built up a very loving relationship with them both. over the first 3 or 4 years they would say things to me that their mother had said, put downs on my appearance etc. they were too innocent to understand then and although i was aware that she was pushing her opinions of me on them both i still refused to lower myself to do the same back. i never wanted to get into any childish games of using children to get at anyone. but i found over the years she wud do this constantly about me and my bf. the eldest child eventually avoided meeting with me for a few months an refused to see me. i had a feeling it was out of loyalty to her mother so i counldnt blame her although i was very hurt. she had some counciling an came around saying she was angry with the wrong person. she was 12 at the time. since then things have gotten progressivly worse. now the ex wife has decided she does not want her children being anywhere near me or my daughter, she has destroyed my relationship with his children. taken it away and rubbed it out like it never existed, and what makes it worse is my bf is allowing her to do it. he will not stand up to her. when she threatens him with access to the children he goes along with anythin she says. she has even went to his family and told them she did not want them to have a relationship with me full stop and they have told me this. at christmas time she arranges for him to meet her at his fathers house with the children, so on christmas day i have to drop my partner off at the house and drive away while she sits in the house with him and all of his family. i feel like such an outcast and its so hurtfull. last year my bf insisted i come in but it all ended in agro as she went crazy, and they both ended up shouting their heads off in front of the children. this is bound to affect our relationship badly in the long run, as i am resenting him for not seeing my point of view that it just seems all wrong that i am expected to stay outside the family circle while his ex stays in there. the situation is making every1 uncomfortable. especially the kids. he is resenting me becuase he does not have the relationship he used to with his children as he doesnt see them as often as he did when they could stay over an share holidays with us. but ultimatly she is the one controlling the situation and pulling the puppet strings. i am at the end of my tether at this stage and dont know wat to do. ive stayed out of it but i feel like im just being pushed aside and forgotten about. does any1 else think this woman is a bit psychotic? or is it just my imagination? is all of this behaviour normal for an ex wife? it worries me how our child when its born will feel being kept outcast from its dads family and having siblings it doesnt know becuase of one womans obsession. gratefull for any advice here.

Comments

sonja's picture

Submitted by sonja on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 9:51pm

Oh this is just sick. He goes to xmas without you so he can see his kids? And his family is siding with her!?

If you werent expecting Id say walk now.. and that might even happen later. I understand that his kids were there before you, but the jealous exwife crap has to stop. If the kids are that old.. come'on! The fact that he is allowing her to play those games is even worse. My FDH doesnt like who BM is choosing to be with, and in the beginning, I was the devil according to BM, but you know what? Its not her choice who hes with!

FDH says the same, although he hates her BF, if shes happy, thats all the better for SD. FDH would rather see BMs life together and her not a mess, even if FDH doesnt like the guy shes picked.

If his family isnt over the ex, you wont ever win on family stuff. Thankfully my FDHs family hates BM and thinks im awesome. You and BF need a major sit-down. Either he gets on board, or Id run!

wynelle's picture

Submitted by wynelle on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 10:22pm

Time to prepare.

Time to sit down with yourself first and really ask yourself what it is your expectations are for this relationship and what you want your family to look like. And be prepared to fight for it.

Try hard not to make expectations that are outside of your conviction to make a reality. These step-mom, ex-wife, new girlfriend, second wife, bio child, step child, relationships are frought with drama, and most of us end up dealing with moments and spurts of time that make us feel less than in control, less than important less appreciated and deal with a constant balance of what is to be expected of us in all of these roles. I find that the range of expierences that stepmoms and new wifes undergo is extemely varied but underlying themes of self doubt and frustration with the process are common amongst us all.

The behaviour of ex-wives and step children and spouses is all over the map. There is plenty of horror stories available that describe some of the low moments in these relationships. Its tough, tougher than you can prepare yourself for, some crazy situations can rear their ugly heads. If I had not prepared myself in the beginning for the potential of outrageousness and decided that I loved his family and they loved me as well, and that as a team me and my new spouse were going to do whatever it took to create the family we had envisioned I would have never made it though the crazyness that overtook our lives for a time. And I would NEVER EVER have stayed invested if I had a single doubt that I was not going to have their support behind me 100% and we weren't going to be "in it together" so to speak.

The kids will come around. In the event that you stay, as easily as they were turned to the dark side, they can be brought back to the light. Show them love and kindness and stability and they will eventually return the favour. These things as with most of the things that occur with trying to blend a family take time. If you are not compeletly committed and feel supported by him as well as his family to go on this ride, RUN. Get out, save yourself the grief. Your baby will be fine with a happy mother.

herewegoagain's picture

Submitted by herewegoagain on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:25pm

Your DH needs a reality check. They are his children, but you are doing nothing wrong and he is giving in to the wrong person. I can only imagine how hard it must be for him, but allowing this behavior will not only hurt you, your child (and HIS child), but his children also in the long run. I would be screaming...sigh

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Fri, 10/28/2011 - 3:06am

Whether BM is psychotic or not, this is not something you can do anything about. What you can alter is letting your partner walk over you. Sorry to put it so bluntly but it really is nonsense what happens at Xmas - you should not agree to this happening again. It is not your fault your partner sees less of his children and resenting you for it is ridiculous. I suggest you read "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin for a good insight into why you are going through this. This book helped me a lot, and I hope it will help you to be more assertive about your needs, and your unborn child's needs.

ms.blessed.n.distressed's picture

Submitted by ms.blessed.n.di... on Fri, 10/28/2011 - 3:21am

Ummm I would tell him to take her to court for visitation or you are leaving bc you and your children will not come second to anyone esp BM. I'm not one to talk as my DH makes me a doormat to whomever he pleases but trust me it is not worth it. I was young and naive and.just did whatever he said. I'm over it now. Take a stand now or you will be and your children will be your bf's, BM and SKids doormat until u walk out and leave him. Feeling second to BM is one thing but if u don't do something now your child will become second as well. Take her ass to court then he can't blame u for anything, u won't have to deal with BMs psycho behavior and the kids will be forced to be apart of your lives. BTW I'm sure they would love to be apart of the soon to be babies life. If he refuses to take her to court then him not seeing his kids is his problem and I would leave him.

ms.blessed.n.distressed's picture

Submitted by ms.blessed.n.di... on Fri, 10/28/2011 - 3:22am

Ummm I would tell him to take her to court for visitation or you are leaving bc you and your children will not come second to anyone esp BM. I'm not one to talk as my DH makes me a doormat to whomever he pleases but trust me it is not worth it. I was young and naive and.just did whatever he said. I'm over it now. Take a stand now or you will be and your children will be your bf's, BM and SKids doormat until u walk out and leave him. Feeling second to BM is one thing but if u don't do something now your child will become second as well. Take her ass to court then he can't blame u for anything, u won't have to deal with BMs psycho behavior and the kids will be forced to be apart of your lives. BTW I'm sure they would love to be apart of the soon to be babies life. If he refuses to take her to court then him not seeing his kids is his problem and I would leave him.

ms.blessed.n.distressed's picture

Submitted by ms.blessed.n.di... on Fri, 10/28/2011 - 3:22am

Ummm I would tell him to take her to court for visitation or you are leaving bc you and your children will not come second to anyone esp BM. I'm not one to talk as my DH makes me a doormat to whomever he pleases but trust me it is not worth it. I was young and naive and.just did whatever he said. I'm over it now. Take a stand now or you will be and your children will be your bf's, BM and SKids doormat until u walk out and leave him. Feeling second to BM is one thing but if u don't do something now your child will become second as well. Take her ass to court then he can't blame u for anything, u won't have to deal with BMs psycho behavior and the kids will be forced to be apart of your lives. BTW I'm sure they would love to be apart of the soon to be babies life. If he refuses to take her to court then him not seeing his kids is his problem and I would leave him.

ms.blessed.n.distressed's picture

Submitted by ms.blessed.n.di... on Fri, 10/28/2011 - 3:22am

Ummm I would tell him to take her to court for visitation or you are leaving bc you and your children will not come second to anyone esp BM. I'm not one to talk as my DH makes me a doormat to whomever he pleases but trust me it is not worth it. I was young and naive and.just did whatever he said. I'm over it now. Take a stand now or you will be and your children will be your bf's, BM and SKids doormat until u walk out and leave him. Feeling second to BM is one thing but if u don't do something now your child will become second as well. Take her ass to court then he can't blame u for anything, u won't have to deal with BMs psycho behavior and the kids will be forced to be apart of your lives. BTW I'm sure they would love to be apart of the soon to be babies life. If he refuses to take her to court then him not seeing his kids is his problem and I would leave him.

flynner101's picture

Submitted by flynner101 on Fri, 10/28/2011 - 9:34am

thanks so much all of you for yr supportive comments. its great to finaly hear from another person that im not actually the crazy one here! i do actually get along fine with bf's family. and i have expressed my views to them, but still this continues. i think ultimatley he needs to return from fantasy land an get his head out of his a hole. im so sick of this crap. i mean its been 8 years and still this goes on like a horrible never ending merry go round. his eldest child now says she doesnt want me in her life, but the youngest one misses me and my daughter a lot as we do both of them. i feared for years that they would be poisoned against me eventually and now the eldest has been. just dont know what to do.

RaeRae's picture

Submitted by RaeRae on Fri, 10/28/2011 - 10:10am

Bottom line, he needs a Court Order. She has no right to control things like this. And HE has no right to resent YOU, for HIS mistake of not standing up to her and getting a CO.

flynner101's picture

Submitted by flynner101 on Sat, 10/29/2011 - 8:48am

thank you so much for yr words of advice. i am sorry your going through simular crap to myself. really hope it works out for both of us in the long run. i think i may have a hard time gettin BF on board with this information as he does not like to address the issue one little bit and i really think he belives i am the one with the problem. he doesnt seem very supportive to me when it comes to this topic and its been almost 2 years since these restrictions were set up by BM. in my view he either wants it this way and enjoys being controlled by her OR he just doesnt have the spine to confront her incase she stops him from seeing his kids again. the last time he threatned her with court she had the 13 yr old call him up within 5 minutes crying her eyes out saying "mom said you were taking us to court!", its like children with children! im not sure how to approach the subject with BF to be honest as everytime i mention it he gets very annoyed with me. he just wants to avoid the issue, but at the end of the day myself and my daughter have been robbed of relationships which were very important to us. years of bonding with these children have been basicaly flushed down the toilet. its very sad.