Now that the Children are grown
Hi everyone I am new to this site and am glad to know that I am not alone. I know my post is long but it is 17 years long. My husband and I have been married for 10 year and have known and dated for 7 years so all in all together for 17 years. When we met he was recently divorced and I was going through mine. His children were 7, 5 and 2 when I entered the picture. Soon as he and got married the children came to live with us for they could not handle their Moms many boyfriend. We went through all the issues of his parenting skills are different from mine and made it through. Our biggest problem is his ex she cannot just be quiet. All was fine until the kids came to live with us (when we got married).I was even told that she flipped put out too her 2nd husband about us getting married.We have since then been through IRS fraud, Social Security Fraud, Indentitiy theft, Letter to our pastor and to many to count sent to us, she has pulled flowers out of our yard, been to our house to take pictures of everything new we purchased, and the worse is all the crap she says to the kids and she constantly hounds them about our life (it is to point that for the last 5 yrs my husband does not tell his own children stuff about us, conversation stay light). We put up with all this to some small degree because she was their Mom and we did not want to hurt the kids they knew how she is.
It does not end just because they hit 18 and graduate OMGosh then their is weddings, babies, and birthday's.
Their Mom had now been married to another man whom she finally appears will actually be around, and she is putting on a show to his friend and family that she is not whom she has been. I was there any and every time acting in a Mother capacity for the kids for she had other things to do. Well now that the kids are grown and on their own they are not needing me anymore and the FRIEND relationship with Mom has become hurtfull. I realize that the kids are finally getting her complete attention and they have really longed for this. I feel she is doing it becasue the complete responsibility of being a mom is gone. She down plays every thing I do for the kids. I am there for all the bad that happens to the kids but not the good, for example one of the girls had a miscarriage, I was there for her everyday for several days we took her dinner, I took her several meals so she did not have to cook, we had a family gathering for her to help take her mind off. Her Mother sent her flowers and text to call if she needed her. The baby that was lost felt like a horrible dream to her. The children are always telling us big news in their life first afraid of her.
Well here is now the problem that I find harder to deal with, now that Mom is wanting to be the friend the kids now that they have to completely ignore me. They really only talk to me when they come see their Dad and every time they talk it is Dad and no me. Their Dad has always been afraid to tell them how he really feels because he lost them when the divorce happened (only becasue the women get the kids) and he knows how manipulating the mom is. He keeps hoping they will grow up to see her for who she is, but that is not happening. I cannot handle this any longer and have told my husband that I am backing away from his children and am only going to focus on mine. The ex is so horrible that she even says nasty things about my children so that they can see or hear her. My husband tells me that she will never change and there is nothing we can do or say to make her change, but if we do or say anything that she is going to feed off of it and continue. I love my husband more than anything and we are perfect together but I feel like a lot of what I go through could have been avoided if he would just have once truelly stood up to her in my defense rather than taking the scared or non confrontation road. I know that he has no feelings for her and that he is truely happy with me. I know that it will bother him me acting as though the kids are nothing to me, but I do not know how to protect my heart, my kids feeling, and my husbands feelings any more. I am tired been bruised and battered many times. I feel as though if my husband is not going to stand up for me then why even allow myself to be put in that position anymore. How do I go through all this without backing away from the children (young adults)?
There has been so much go on
There has been so much go on that I tend to jump around. We raised them (2 SD) in our home for most their teen years. One of the SD lost the baby and it was her I was there for taking food.
I agree with you about the denial and truth, we see that. I think that your girls are like mine their BM are now more in a friend position in their life rather than a parent role and the Skids are confusing the gray areas, they are just so happy to have her treat them decently and are hungry for acceptance from the BM. We have also been told that he BM has threatened the Skids that they will not be welcomed with her if they support my husband and I in any way. I know the Skids are in a bad place and they really want this to end. The kids are always saying well you know mom and look at us to just ignore any and all situations no matter how big or small. It is just crazy all around.
The only intereactions that we do have with the BM are weddings and major events, which seem to be happening alot, and let me tell you she makes them as miserable as possible.
My husband does not like confronation and the BM is very manipulative and he would rather just let her continue playing and do whatever it is she is doing so that she will just go away for a while afterwards.
We have contacted several of the authorities and they all trumped it up to she is the ex, but if she were a stranger then they would get involved. Which we said Bull too, the law is the law, but they said they would be to tied up in the system if they handled all the cases like our. That is so messed up, it is the way the law looks at thing that give people like her the sense that they can do whatever they wish.
I understand about kids spreading their wings my daughter and son are doing that as well, but with the Skids it is very different. I am so tired of all her little games, and I am really dreading the upcoming events throught this year, mostly because I am not so sure I can play nice anymore. Thanks stepaside for comments.