Just can't sleep
Well, it's almost 2 am and I can't sleep. My body is exhausted but I just can't seem to actually crash. I'm 37 weeks pregnant and I'm ready for the baby to get here already!! I could bitch about the step kids, they have all irritated me at some point this evening, but I'm too exhausted to try.
My MIL sent me this lovely (sarcasm) e-mail about how the future of this family lies is my hands and how I involve the step kids with the baby. Um, I'm pretty sure she needs to talk to her son about this, they are all his children. DH is gonna have to really step up to the plate here b/c he's so used to me just handling everything and I'm not going to be able to do that for a while. I thought he'd step up now, since I have a hard time getting around and I'm exhausted and sore and just pregnant geez, but he really hasn't. Maybe I should just quit doing it and see what happens. I dunno, sometimes I question my decision to have a kid with him. When we first got married I wanted nothing more, but as the years have went by I realize that this is his FOURTH and it's my FIRST. How is that special to him? I mean I feel older than I am b/c of how preasured I feel to perform at such a high level for his kids. I feel preasured to pretend that they are mine, they aren't and I just don't feel that bond no matter how hard I try. Two of them even call me mom and sometimes it just bothers me and I feel bad about it but at the same time I never asked them to and never really wanted them to they just started doing it (I think with a little help from DH and my MIL). I mean for four years now I have been "mom" to these three kids, but now I want the time to bond and be with my baby and I want to treat him like my first, I know it sounds impossible. But the step kids are 8 - 14 so they aren't even really close in age at all and it's hard to involve a 14 year old in baby stuff, ya know? I dunno, maybe I am just selfish, maybe I'm not gonna be a great mom if I can't just shut up and put a smile on my face and deal with the rest of it. As far as I'm concerned I've done more for these kids than either of their moms have and I've rarely complained about it and I just do it, b/c that's I guess what I feel like I'm supposed to do. But then I see that DH has kinda lost touch with his own kids and gets annoyed at me when I ask him to get more involved and I just wanna scream "I'm not their mom." But I feel guilty for even thinking that, but should I? I don't think I should feel guilty but DH has a funny way of making me feel like I am.
Like the other day the 8 year old said something like "I thought you were mom." (I don't know how the conversation started) and the SS14 says "Well, she's your step mom really." And DH interjects, "She's your mom." Almost in a mean voice like how dare someone use the word step kinda way. Well, I'm not, not really, they all see their mothers, they know who those women are. Maybe they dont' act like their moms but that's what they are and my DH slept with them and he made kids with them and he needs to own up to that.
I just don't even have the words to articulate how I feel I guess. I'm sure some of you have been there before I feel pretty alone in the situation I dont' know many step parents, except my MIL who thinks she was an amazing step mom but if you ask her step daughters she was not very good at it at all.
I'm gonna try to sleep again
Dawn
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Comments
Sorta been there.....
Although I'm not pregnant, I completely understand your sleepless nights (I'm at the premenopausal brink! ugh!), irritation towards the SKs, and I definitely understand the pain caused by a meddling MIL. I know exactly how you feel about taking on the role of the SK's "mother" eventhough you aren't. I can completely relate to your need for wanting to bond solely with your new baby once s/he arrives.
My DD was my first child. Her father, who I never married, had a child already when I had her. It always made me feel horribly when he never got excited about monumental moments during my pregnancy or during her first year of life. I quickly came to realize that she lost that firstborn position in his eyes and I pretty much celebrated those wonderful firsts with my parents and brother. Eventually, I did leave him and it was the best thing possible for all of us. Now, my husband also has a 12 y.o. son from a previous marriage and he refused to even consider having another child with me because he already "put the stem on the apple" and his son didn't want anymore siblings (he's unbelievably selfish and self-centered). I was devastated at first but now I realize what a blessing in disguise it was! Knowing how awful his son is, how terrible DH's parents are (we're estranged from them), and eventhough DH is here physically, he's not a good parent. His son is running the show and DH is allowing it while denying it.
I've weathered the same storm with the mother thing. I'm not DH's son's mother nor do I want to be. I don't even call him SS anymore be/c I'm in no way, shape, or form anything near to what his mother is or should be doing. DH treats me like a babysitter and housekeeper so I collect a weekly stipend from his pay and pass Go! (A little humor on this not so funny situation.) DH complained last week when I told my new boss that DD wasn't his. Well, she's not so why would I say otherwise? I don't tell people I'm his son's mother be/c it's not true and I wouldn't tolerate his son calling me mom or any form of it.
Then, the MIL. MIL was a single mom when she had my husband at the very ripe age of 16 and HID him from all of her BFs be/c she was afraid he'd scare them away. She did eventually land a doctor who married her and they had two additional children together but she is the queen of deception and all things evil. Of course, my DH never measured up to the other two kids eventhough that man adopted my husband. MIL was the one who always sent him away from the "family" to other relatives. So it was sorta ironic when DH and I married, she tried to force us to take his ex wife's daughter for visitation and we refused. She twists and turns DH's son's words against us and has taken us to court for visitation although she's been seeing him regularly.
I don't believe you are being selfish and I can't even offer words of wisdom or advice. I feel equally as alone at times. I have to pick and choose my words so carefully with DH so as not to offend him or the guest (his son) living in our house. I feel guilty when I want to take my daughter and do something with just her using the child support her BF paid to her (DH's ex doesn't pay a penny in CS so we provide 100% of his son's needs). I have no desire to bond with his son either. He's rude, manipulative, a pathological liar, etc.
I went for counseling. I went alone and my therapist suggested my DH accompany me so we could all get on the same page. DH won't go. He always has some excuse. The last one was he was too hungry to sit through the appt. Duh! He had only known for a month that we were scheduled to go. Talking to the therapist is helpful as is this site.
I keep reading, praying, and hoping that I'll have the strength to make it through the next six years!
Good luck to you with your new baby and your blended family.
If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.