How do you discipline when privileges don’t matter?
SS was still causing havoc this weekend. He didn’t try to physically hurt T, I also kept T away from him for the most part or stood over them playing like a hawk. He did however take any and all opportunity to be a complete and utter dickhead to everyone in the house.
I’ve never heard SD scream so much, “Get out of my room!! Get away from me!” We were all watching a movie Saturday night, DH had to turn it off and send everyone to bed because SS kept standing up right in front of the tv with the blanket and holding out the blanket so no one could see, shaking his butt, laughing his head off. DH told him to sit down and stop it or the movie is getting turned off, he keeps going. SD started losing it and got up, I could see the look on her face and the fist forming, she was about to punch him. It basically became a screaming match between the two of them. Movie got turned off, SD is upset with DH because she “didn’t do anything wrong”. Is this just kids being kids? (This is just one small example with the blanket)
DH is at a loss. He’s taken every privilege away from SS, what do you do when the kid just doesn’t care about the privilege? SS will literally sit and stare at the black TV and keep cursing everyone out, he won’t go to his room, he won’t leave the situation, he has to keep escalating. You can’t physically pick SS up and take him to his room, if DH were to touch him I’m sure we would have CPS banging down the door accusing us of abuse.
It’s one thing if the kid is risking putting himself or others in harms way, yes, you can remove them from that situation, but if they are just being an a-hole with the intent to piss everyone off, what do you do when there are no more privileges to take away and the kid acts like this?
(If this we're T, we would just pick T up and remove from the situation, but with skids and an HCBM, you all know where that would go.)
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I’m no psychologist but I feel
This child may have ODD (oppositional defiance disorder ). My SS has this. It's really hard to discipline a child with this. I recommend an evaluation from a mental health provider and therapy. A therapist can help you devise discipline plans that will work with this child. If he doesn't go to his room then don't use that as a consequence. Find his currency. Time with friends ? Allowance? Extra chores ?
when he's cussing at the TV everyone needs to leave the room so he has no audience. Give him no attention for his bad behavior, just Praise good behavior.
Also why would SD lose the movie because of SS behavior ? That's not fair.
What is being done when SS invades her personal space ? She shouldn't have to be subjected to his constant awfulness.
There is no currency
DH has already taken away allowance. He won't do extra chores, in fact he'll become destructive and make it even worse.
I shortened the story down, SD lost the movie because DH told her to sit down and stop screaming at SS (it's not helping, she did not, instead she kept on and then tried to punch SS.
He has a therapy appointment scheduled for December, earliest we could get, but that's a long time to be dealing with this.
Sounds like he enjoys movies /tv
That could be start. Making him earn those privileges at the end of the day through good daily behavior : changing WiFi password to restrict access after a tantrum.
What kind of custody did your
What kind of custody does your DH have? Is he non- custodial, such that he could choose to not have SS come to your home, but instead see him outside of the home? Is that something your husband would consider so that things would be safer/less turbulent for you, SD and Toddler until you can get SS into counseling and figure out what's going on? I know it's drastic, but maybe it would work better for everyone for the time being.
He is NCP
But HCBM will not allow this. Either he sticks to the CO's for visitation or he does not see either of his kids. BM will not allow them to be separated and she made it clear in court that she does not agree to daytime visits only as these interfere with HER time. So either they both keep coming or he drops the rope completely.
I just read your background
SS is mentally disturbed. Visitation needs to be out of the home. Protect your toddler.
I am a mental health
I am a mental health professional and I would agree he sounds like he has ODD. Those type of kids need consistent rules and structure with consistent consequences even if they seem not to care about them. They also need praise when they behave well without being asked to. Sorry you have to wait so long for therapy. Be sure you find someone who will work with the parents and not just the kid.
Why is it up to BM what kind of visitation he takes? He can return to court and request a new court order or just violate her for refusing to allow him to take SD alone. Above all else, power needs to be removed from the hands of kids like this, and your DH needs to stand up to BM. If he won't, perhaps it's time for DH to take his full visitation elsewhere.
Thanks
We'll do some reading up on strategies (not taking that as a diagnosis, but we need to try something).
As for the CO's, visitation can be changed if agreed by both parents, barring that, it's the CO's or DH chooses to cease all visitation. Since BM will never agree to anything he proposes, it's CO's or bust. He can't go back to court for new orders, there has to be some kind of really substantial change and even if he did and got the case accepted, he's looking at 3+ years and the judge would probably side with the BM.
If he's the NCP, he does not
If he's the NCP, he does not have to exercise visitation at all and can take part of it. I think he should consult an attorney because the court can't force him to take a certain amount of time, and generally they won't give him zero time either. You need a change in circumstances to get MORE time but the judge can't insist that the NCP do anything. Visitation is not an obligation.
At any rate, I'd think long and hard about how long you will go along with DH refusing to stand up to BM and how it affects your toddler.
If the discipline at home and confiscating items of his isn’t
Helping, have you tried him sleeping on a mattress on a floor, no bed frame or wardrobe. Literally make him sleep like in a prison cell minus bunk beds. Nothing to entertain him in his room until he learns to behave
I say your DH should have
I say your DH should have intervened before SD got all worked up. He should try the "One and Done" method when it comes to discipline. Tell his SS one time to stop/change his behavior. The second time he is automatically punished, no more chances. He needs to be consistent and firm with following through with consequences. It will go even better if he includes the consequence in the warning "SS this is the first and last time I am going to ask you to be respectful to the rest of us while we are watching this movie, if you cannot sit down and watch it with us then you will go to bed early..." The next time he even just gets up its "SS time for you to go to bed" and then let him go off to his room. He will likely get rowdy in there for attention, depending on his capabilities I would ignore this. If he is destructive to property and furntiture I would have your DH go in there with a follow up: "SS if you don't stop breaking and destroying things that are not yours I will have to sell your stuff to replace/fix the things you are destroying" OR "SS if you don't stop breaking and destroying things, then I will remove everything from the room except for the mattress" Then follow through. That is the biggest issue with kids, they are either never threatened with consequences or the consequences never come through so they learn their parent is all talk.
And if all else fails, being nightly binging shows like "Teens Locked Up" or whatever to show him what happens to people, teens and adults, who choose not to listen to the rules that govern them.