OT- a little - there is no denying it
H and I are from 2 different worlds and we want vastly different lifestyles.
I am talking about everything -- how to parent children, where to live, how to make good investments. You name it, and we are polar opposites.
I love him so much, but as I told him today maybe we are just figuring out after 6 years that we are too different to peacefully co-exist.
The latest issues:
SD18 finally passed TAKS and is graduating on June 4th. He wants to buy her a car. She barely eeked out of high school, uses drugs (marij and ecstacy), drinks and is so irresponsible. And he wants to buy her a car. I told him the facts: if we give her a car and she kills someone, they don't come after you they come after me.
2nd issue...there was this custom built home around the corner from us. We looked at it about 6 months ago. The house is 450K but on sale for $319K. I said, that's a great investment. I've got to figure out a way to invest so I can stop paying all this money in taxes. Let's move on this house. We can purchase; live in it until the market turns and sell at a profit. He hemmed and hawed for 6 months. Now the house is gone. He says...there are other houses. No, not exactly...this house was not a development clone. There was $100K worth of hardwood flooring, a theater room complete with built in surround sound, noise cushioned walls, berber carpet, the common areas were separated by this REAL marbled see-through fireplace. It was a beautiful home.
H hates the suburbs, would rather live in a trailer. Was raised in a trailer. I am so mad that I'm in bed bcuz the house is under contract.
Here is the problem. I grew up with nothing. I am talking MS Delta, dirt poor. Really really poor with a single mom (my dad died when I was 5). I worked my hiny off to go to college and then law school. I make really good, no great, money doing something that I enjoy. I don't have to work over 50 hours a week, unless prepping for trial, and I enjoy nice things. I feel like I sacrificed my entire life to get to this point and my H wants to move me back to some little town in a trailer so he can go hunting and such. I left the farming/hunting life and I have no desire to go back to it. I'm not dissing the lifestyle. I just chose to leave it behind.
If I can afford it, we can afford it, why should we live in a trailer (literally speaking). Now he's on this trip...I feel like I'm suffocating when I come home to the suburbs. That's all I hear all the time. I love my neighborhood, the diversity of it, the 8 Olympic sized community pools complete with hot tubs and saunas, the tennis courts, tracks, I love everything about this place.
I believe this is really about our marriage. I am trying to think rationally but the more I think about it, the more I believe in my heart of hearts that we are postponing the inevitable. And that hurts sooooo much.
Evil Diva 
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This sounds like me with my
This sounds like me with my ex. He was raised in a town of 500 in Kansas. I grew up in a town of 300,000 in CA. I'm a city girl...him, not so much. He always wanted to hunt, fish, go mudding, etc. Which is fine, I like to do those things too (except for the hunting) but its not the ONLY things I like to do, nor did I want to do them often. We had NOTHING in common in terms of how we wanted to live our lives. He wanted to buy his grandmother's house in the same town he grew up in. I compromised & moved to KS, but to Wichita (big city) and he was miserable. So was I. We split after 4 years together (only 5 months after I moved to KS). He now lives in that same little house in that same little town, hunting & fishing in all his spare time. Still no wife, no kids, no girlfriend. He drinks, hunts, fishes. I still speak to his sister through myspace) I live in a smaller city now that I'm a little older with kids, but still a decent sized one. I am now married with 2 kids and my husband and I do EVERYTHING together. We have a lot of the same interests and enjoy doing the same things. Our most significant difference is we are opposites with decorating (I like mordern, he doesn't) But I'm the wife so I win on that one
"You never realize how short a month is until you pay child support"
on top of the blog
H has to be involved in everything...how I decorate, what type of bath towels I purchase. My girlfriends always tell him to get away from us and go do something else. I just texted him to go grocery shopping bcuz he'll only have something to say about what I do anyway. Yet when it comes down to making life altering decisions, he drops the ball. His EW still has credit cards in his name that he won't even investigate or contact credit bureaus over. We could have made a nice retirement nest egg off this house and we lost it bcuz he wants the trailer in a country trailer park lot.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I think I'm going to just stop doing any and everything. Let him do it all. I'll still care for my kids and my SD but all decisions, let him make them. I am just not happy and it is so sad. My kids have gone through one divorce and I just can't fathom putting them through another one.
Evil Diva
love
Sometimes love isn't enough. It also takes compatibility and common sense. Why is he attempting to dictate your life when his life obviously has major problems.
"His EW still has credit cards in his name that he won't even investigate or contact credit bureaus over." and getting his daughter a car which will only bring more problems.
He is lucky that you love him so much because it sounds like he has more negative than he does positive.
H told our last counselor
and I quote verbatim, "Dr. X, I don't have any issues or problems. If she (that's me) would just do as I tell her to, we would never have any problems." In the next individual session, Dr. X told me this and I quote verbatim, "Evil Diva, I have never met an individual until your H who says he or she has no problems. Everyone has a trait that could be improved in one way or another. You should be very disturbed by H's comment last week because I am."
Shortly after that revelation, I called H out in counseling that he belittled the process and we stopped going to joint sessions. I continued individual but eventually stopped. I know I need help in dealing with this rel'ship whether it is going to end in a divorce or trying to hold it together.
It's so hard. How do you breathe when you are making such a tough decision. My ex cheated on me while I was 3 months pregnant with my 6 yr old. That decision was easy breezy. This time H isn't a cheater but everything is a struggle, a fight.
Evil Diva
H
This guy may not be a cheater but at the same time he has got some serious issues. I remember my X saying almost the same thing. The women that I know always work harder and longer to save the second marriage because they don't want to be divorced again. It appears that you two have significant differences and it depends on how much you are willing to compromise in order to keep the marriage going. There is a great divide between a trailer and a 450, house.
Lady
"I'll still care for my kids and my SD but all decisions, let him make them."
Lady, you know and I know that you didnt get to where you are today because you sat back and let someone else make the decisions. You are the rain maker in the family and you should be a major force in the decision making process. Its not your personality to allow someone not capable of making good decisions to make the decisions regarding your life.
ugh...I know sparky
but where my thoughts are taking me, I don't want to go because that means I am no longer going to be married....
You are right. I have no faith in his decision making abilities, and I am not one to sit idly by. I hate what I have done, the decision to be in this marraige. My children are so attached to him. They will be crushed if we can't get this thing under control. He asked me to write down a list of things I am not willing to compromise and he would do the same. I refused. Thing is...we've done this before. I am a firm believer in the power of a good counselor. Unless he agrees to go to counseling, there really isn't anything to discuss. We can't fix or stop our vicious cycle. If so, we wouldn't still be arguing 6 years later.
I know that good things come out of everything, but I am blinded as to this silver lining. I am just devastated.
Evil Diva
It's a sad realization
but like Sparky said, sometimes love just isn't enough. I'm sorry about this for you
A spouse is supposed to be someone that you can share the rest of your life with, not be in a constant struggle against on what that life is going to be.
I wish you as litle heartache as possible and hope that if salvaging this relationship is what you want, that you have success in doing so.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
HOW DO YOU
even start the process of divorce or separation when your partner hasn't done anything more substantive like cheating or abusing you?
As educated and experienced as I am, I am just at a loss of what to do at this point and where to go. We argue all the time, all the time. And that is no life for me, him or the kids.
I just don't know what to do or how to do it.
Evil Diva
counselor
I would try the counselor one more time before you throw in the towel. Its called irreconcilable differences. No one is right and no one is wrong. It just means that the two of cant get along and that you dont want to live like that anymore.