Okay…so now for the ‘real’ blog! (Loooong!)
My SD5 (s2b6) is the most well-behaved delightful child for EVERYONE except her mother. Honestly, this kid is an angel in school, in daycare, at guest’s houses, and at our house. I have never heard her raise her voice (except for laughing) nor has she ever told me no. She is helpful around the house, picks up after herself and is an all around ‘wonder-child’.
At home however, she is a monster. She tantrums, tells her mother no, misbehaves, makes messes, doesn’t clean up, when her mom is on the phone she sits in the background screaming for her to get off. One time, I was talking to her on the phone and she said, “Everyone’s Interest can you hang on?” I said yes, then I heard, “Get me a freezie and I want the big one.” Next thing I know she’s sucking on a large freezie at 8:30pm at night (8pm is her bedtime at our house, 10:30 at moms). I was shocked.
Anywho, Mom is convinced that she has a special bond with her kid and that she is her ‘true self’ only while at home. I think that SD would behave fine for mom if she was taught how to behave properly. This kid is smart. She knows what she can and cannot get away with and exploits it (as we all do if given the chance). BM has even taken a few ‘suggestions’ that we have provided and they work…shocking. But, that is sooo few and far between.
So, the latest is: SD isn’t the greatest at telephone communication. Most times when her Dad calls she says immediately “Daddy? I’m busy. I’ll call you tomorrow.” FH has been trying to come up with fun and interesting ways to engage his daughter over the phone. (FYI – she won’t talk to her mom either while at our house). So…he finally hooked onto something…dancing over the phone (this is a special Daddy/daughter thing they do together).
So…IT WORKED!!! They had a ball…SD was imagining that she was dancing with her Daddy and they danced 3 songs (approx. 15 minutes). Now…I will concede that SD can get a little outta’ control. However, if you tell her to calm down a bit she listens and brings in down a notch.
Well…dancing has now been banned. Dontcha’ know that is it completely inappropriate activity to do over the phone? That it ‘infringes’ on BM’s time with SD (although phone convo’s and visiting are fine)? That it is dangerous and BM does not want to spend 15 minutes supervising this ‘crazy’ activity. Phone access is now limited to conversations ONLY.
SD was crushed! She called twice in tears that she could no longer dance with Daddy.
So…is this child centric or down right jealousy? BM is under the delusion that all of SD’s problems are b/c she misses her Daddy. That dancing is not quality contact and that he should be there. BM also said and I quote:
“Although she imagined that she was dancing with you this is not the reality and it only fuels her sadness and makes it worse for her in the long run. She needs to come to terms with the real situation that her Daddy will not be coming home”
The only sadness that SD expressed was that she wasn’t allowed to dance with her father. BM considers herself an amateur psychotherapist and ‘diagnoses’ her kid all the time. SD is in counseling (new) and hopefully it’ll all come out in the wash.
So…your opinions? Am I nuts or should we all be considering the child’s best interest rather than having to ‘supervise’ a joyful activity for 15 minutes once or twice a week?
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Thank you Vickmeister
I understand your comments on the dancing. I just don't think that it is child focused, rather a clear indication of jealousy. SD will open up and talk every now and again, but I think it's safe to say that that happens maybe once a week. We have discussed other activities to get her interested and I'll pass on your suggestion...(it's great, and one we hadn't thought about).
It sounds like you and I have a similar situation and it scares me to death thinking about the ramifications of this total lack of parenting. SD is going to counseling. We did our research and found that a lot of therapists don't work with a child that young, b/c most behavioral problems are a direct result of parenting (at that age). So, we found a handful of therapists that work both with the child and the parent and assess what's going on in the home(s).
Well...BM found her own therapist that will work with SD. FH had to approve of her before SD started the therapy. The therapist gained his respect and he agreed. The therapist said that while most of her work is done with the child, she will be probbing and providing techinques for the BM to use. FH is involved and we'll see how it goes.
Beyond that, BM thinks she's the greatest mother in the world and the only parenting classes that she might entertain (but has since shot down) are 'How to parent while divorced'.
Sigh...I wonder what the next few years are going to look like...
We have the same thing...
with my SD4's BM. She just cannot stand to be the PARENT and enforce any type of rules! I have already posted about the problems my SD4 is having with bedtime, extreme over-spoiling, etc. And even though BM had finally agreed to give the "sticker on the calendar" method that the therapist suggested a try for getting SD to sleep in her own bed all night, it has only been a week and a half and she is already caving on that one. SD came for her midweek visit last night...I asked her how it was going with sleeping in her own bed at mommy's house (remember, we are keeping track too so that SD can earn her new ice skates) and SD told me she she hasn't slept in her bed at all this week, but mommy asked her if "she wanted to get a half of a sticker since one night she stayed in there for part of the night." WTF???? Who is in charge here? Of course she WANTS a sticker....but did she EARN it? No!!
So I reinforced that she needed to be sleeping in her own bed at mommy's and she better start working on it since skating was starting in a few weeks and she couldn't be signed up if she hadn't earned those skates yet.
Of course, she had no problems sleeping in her bed at our house last night. None whatsoever.
And the whole "missing daddy" thing - I can totally relate to that one too. SD uses that to avoid bedtime too. SD will call at like 9:30 at night crying to talk to daddy...her bedtime is 8 pm. And then when she is with us, she will come in all teary-eyed and ask to call her mom because she misses her so much....I'm like whatever, drama, you just saw mommy 2 hours ago. And then mommy gets on the phone with her all coos and gagas and tells her how much she misses her and wishes she was there with her. Helloooo???? All that kind of talk does is ENCOURAGE this child to continue this behavior! At the end of the conversation BM eve said "thank you so much for calling me sweetie, you are my special princess and have made me soooo happy. If you want to call me again later I'll be right here waiting by the phone!" This was at 7 pm!!!!!
I shudder to think what the years ahead are going to be like...and then all I have to do is read some of your posts and I become acutely aware of exactly what those years are going to look like.
She does have the right to say what happens in her house,
however, this is stupid. She has the right to act stupid though I suppose. Dancing with your child on the phone is not going to hurt her. It's going to help her build more of a relationship with her daddy. You said she actually told your DH that SD needs to realize that he isn't coming home??????????
News flash psycho, Daddy is home!!
What she meant to say is, "DXH, I can't stand to see how much you love our daughter because you don't love me anymore. I want you to come home but when I see you making it fine without me, and building your own relationship with our daughter I can't handle it."
Personally, I think that is
Personally, I think that is really cute and what a great idea to engage over the phone! Yeah, BM does have the right to say what can and can't happen at her house..However, I think its sad and ridiculous that she has an "issue" with this to the point of "banning" it.
My kids and their dad used to do whistling contests and other goofy things on the phone. Yeah, 15 minutes of whistling in the living room when I am trying to watch my show got annoying so I just had daughter take the phone into her room or to another area of the house where her and her dad could make all the goofy noises and giggle themselves silly!!
Why can't daughter take the phone in her room so she and daddy could "dance" together? She is six after all...BM is just being mean and stupid..
Oh no! She couldn't
Oh no! She couldn't possibly take her phone in her room (or the WIDE OPEN basement) because this is a DANGEROUS activity and has to be supervised. Whatev...I like the whistling contest...I'm sure BM would love that too...hmmm...now I'm plotting!