Newbie
Hello,
First of all, this is my first post, but I've been on here for a long time reading all of your stories...kinda creepy as I feel like I 'know' a lot of you due to my excessive procrastination at work and pouring over your wonderful blogs.
I am 'new' to the blog world. Have never done this before and hope that I'll stick to it, only for the hope that I can release some of my anger and hard feelings towards the BM. I used to journal when I was in my teens and early 20's, but for some reason can never find the time. I'm hoping that if I can write out my feelings that I'll be able to let go of any feelings of helplessness, anger etc.
I do really appreciate this group, the support I've seen you lend to each other and the suggestions and story sharing that I have read. I look forward to becoming part of this support network and possibly helping some of you.
To make it short, my FH and I met at work. I was engaged, he was married. He was in a very unhappy marriage (I know, I know, but this time it was true). Long story short, we eventually embarked on a 15 day affair, both broke off with our SO’s and moved in together. It was a (please don't roll your eyes too hard) soul mate situation and has played out very well. There has been transitional 'issues' but I guess that's to be expected when you move in with a man you don't REALLY know, but love...(gag...I never used to talk like that...)
Anyway, he has a STB 6 year old daughter who was 4.5 at the time. (I’m in love with her and she with me.) He had been miserable in the home, to the point where SD called him E-OR b/c he was never happy. BM is just kind of a cold woman. He begged her for counseling, she told him to go on medication. He made 'compromise' lists, she ignored him. He wanted to talk about their problems, she'd get up and walk....But the MAIN issue is how she turned out as a Mother.
This is a classic case of 'Discuss With Your Spouse All of Your Parenting Beliefs Before You Start Procreating' situation.
BM believes only in providing a loving and safe environment for her child. Sounds great right??? Think about it...if that was all there was to it. No teaching the child (they develop on their own dontcha' know), no discipline (b/c that would upset the child dontcha' know), no encouraging independence, no making your child do what is right rather than what they want, no encouraging trying new things, no no no.
BM has strange views of things and twists what people say to fit her own agenda. It is actually very odd. Like, SD5 came down with a staph infection on her vagina. Most likely due to the fact that Mommy only bathes the child once a week and was laying her down on a baby mat at night and wiping her body down with baby wipes and then slapping good ole' cotton panties on her now moist body and she got a rash and then staph got into the rash. Sounds plausible doesn't it? So...off to the Dr. The Dr. gives her reasons why this MAY have happened. You know...one of those standard print outs with 25 reasons why a child gets staph and whadaya know? Now the whole list is banned! No fabric softener, no soap around the vagina (for a child that doesn't wipe herself at her Mothers and only gets bathed once a week you can only imagine), no baths longer than 5-10 minutes...the list goes on and on. The Dr. even told her to stop wiping her down with wipes and stop having her wear underwear at night, but no! It must have been caused by her wearing the clothes washed at my house and the bathing routine and the *gasp* soap on her nether regions...whatev.
Anyway...I could rant all day, but I'll stop short as this is long enough. I'm glad to have found this group and look forward to supporting, and being supported by all of you!!!
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Comments
Welcome
Sounds like the BM in this story took the same "parenting" classes as some of ours on here! Hope you find it helpful here
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
welcome Everyone
no eye rolling here!
first off poor little girl, so now the biomom wants you to follow this list?
I can understand taking some precautions but really she can not(she can try) make DEMANDS on you or your DH at your home. Of course I am sure you want to do what is best for the little girl and that is that.
take her list put it somewhere and but BM out of your mind.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
Welcome
....
After taking care of my SD4 for a few months with the BM in another state... She came back to say that I have not been washing her daughter's private area properly (with a washcloth according to her) and she had been experiencing redness down there. First of all I never saw such redness. 2nd, I grew up washing myself with water, soap and my hands and never had a problem. I believe that a washcloth either for face (yeah she says that SD4 must wash her face with a washcloth as well) or private part is way to harsh, both areas (face and vagina) are very sensitive. So guess what I did? I kept washing her my own way, she can wash her daughter her own way when she is with her. Later on, I happen to ask the doctor about which option is better, and the doctor said that the washcloth might be too harsh, but the main issue is to make sure there is no soap left, therefore either way is acceptable. So... END OF DISCUSSION
Oh and after all that blah blah about how to wash her properly... I sent her one day to school (9 AM) she picked her up (noon) and kept her, then sent her the other day (9 Am) to school and I picked her up (noon) and it wasn't until later at night that I realized that she had the same underwear I had sent her with :jawdrop:
To put it in easier words, 36 hours without bathing (she claimed she used a wipe or wet washcloth or something) oh, and she wasn't working back then, she lives 2 or 3 minutes away from the school, whereas I live 15, and I also have to get my 1 year old son ready and I have never EVER sent her without bathing.
I suggest that you go ahead and do what you think (consulting with your husband) is best for the child's hygiene, Remember that he is the dad, he has a saying too, is not all 100% mom...
Thats what we do here, everything I do with the child that the mom might not agree with, my husband agrees with me, and there is no way she can't counterfight that.
At least she didn't blame
her infections on you, or the people you allow SD to hang around with. YSD used to get UTI's. A LOT. Due to not wiping properly. Couple that with a couple of inappropriate self-soothing techniques, and she came up with her own conclusions. Kids play doctor. Some girls do not wipe properly, no matter how often they are taught. I cannot be there every second of the day to make sure she got it all, or she wiped front to back. But BM, being a nurse, did not know this, and sent us an email asking questions, and mentioned counseling. Very passive agressive approach, asking who we allowed SD to be with, these recurring UTI's could be a symptom of abuse from who we allow her to be around. You get it. This was while BF was deployed, and they were with me EOW. We wrote back that we do not allow SD around anyone but our CLOSEST friends, we do not allow her to watch anything buy Disney and Nick. She has had UTI's from her time with her, and she has always self-soothed. Maybe we should look at her end to see which random babysitter she is allowing the kids to be around while she is busy living the single life. She wrote back that she spoke with the pediatricians she works with, and some counselors, and they told her the same thing I did. Improper wiping, kids will be kids blah blah blah. No apology, nothing. But I let it go. It wasn't worth the fight. It was enough knowing that she knew she was wrong.
Welcome to this site!!! You'll learn a lot from the women on here. I learned a lot of coping mechanisms from these women.
Hi!
I'm so sorry about your SD! When my SDs lived with BM, they came over poorly clothed and their hygiene was horrible. We paid her OODLES of CS, too. All I can say is...DISGUSTING!
I'm sorry your SD has such an awful mother and all I can suggest is following the doctor's orders, being there for SD, and working with DH to do the best you can by SD.
Welcome! Better watch what you say though, or you'll
join me in the money grubbing, home wrecking, life destroying whore description some like to label us as! LOL!
My Dh and I met at work to. We fell in love. He was miserable at home and the BM is a wicked ridiculous woman. No wonder he stepped out of his marriage. I have no regrets, never will. We love one another, and we are soul mates! If it comes back to bite me in the butt then so be it, I don't care!
So my hat is off to you for coming on this site and introducing the real you. Just watch out, because I'm telling you some idiots on here will insist that you ruined this womans life and deserve what you get, no matter if she physically and emotionally abuses the SKIDS. I'm in your boat as well, my SD and I are a family ment to be. I'm so in love with her! I get mad at her, but I get mad at my other kids to! She's just that, one of my kids!
So welcome, thanks for sharing your story. And I want to add you to my buddylist!
baths
Welcome! The worse thing for girls is to sit in the bath tub using bubble bath. It causes so many problems and sometimes they just need to take showers only. The wipes that we use on babies are great for girls that have issues.
No judging here
We all come from such different situations that we really can't judge anyone for how they got together. Though anything is possible.
We have similar problems with SS's BM. He is not made to keep up with proper hygeine at home so it's like pulling teeth to get him to do so when he is with us. I can tell you from experience that if she is living with BM the majority of the time, over time these habits will become ingrained and it will become very hard to get her to clean herself properly when she is older. We're going through this very thing with SS. When he first started staying with us for overnight visitations 2.5 years ago, he didn't know how to wash his own hair or brush his teeth. He was 8 years old at the time. He didn't even know what shampoo was. We took pictures of his head caked with dirt where it never got washed. When asked how he took care of his teeth, he said that his mother didn't make him brush them because it made him gag, so instead she gave him vitamins to keep his teeth strong. I am 23, I've never had a cavity in my life. This kid has so many fillings, when he opens his mouth and tilts his head just right so you can see his teeth, they're all black in the middle. It's just sad. We check him after every bath and frequently make him go back and wash his hair or brush his teeth because he won't do it unless he's forced to. He'll come out from taking a bath or shower and his hair won't even be wet.
Bottom line is, you and your BF take care of SD how you see fit while she is with you. No one will fault you for washing the poor child's pee pee.
It's great to have another kindred soul around! Looking forward to reading more of your posts.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*