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SD20's new narratives of victimhood

Eve-Bee's picture

Submitted by Eve-Bee on Sat, 03/07/2020 - 4:23pm

I have had some days without SD20, and it has been amazing! 

DH's phone was vibrating like crazy today, and I thought that it might be our friend that has gotten an illness and is naturally struggling with that. So I asked if it was said friend. DH then told me no, it is SD20, and she is having such a tough time now(no surprise, she is always saying this!). Then he basically told a story of BM the Persecutor, SD the poor Victim, and, WE need to be the rescuer. That will never happen! Like I have not learned this tale of the Drama Triangle, the hard way many enough times to know that I am not playing the role of the rescuer ever again. And, DH, well, he will never be able to take on that role either because he has a life and work, but I guess he is hoping that I will step in and help this adult woman. LOL!

I told him that I am busy, so I hope that she does not expect me to have time for anything now, I will basically be working all the time. He said so will I, and she is an adult now so she should manage (she will not, rather she will be bored, and then go to get her narc supply somewhere else). I will be in my office, in the gym or in my bedroom, aiming to be not available! My role as being a useful source of narcissistic supply is long gone and not coming back. It is really like the narc supply is a form of drug for SD, and she is now desperately trying to get her new fix, and her BM is a narc herself, so no supply to find there. 

I think he also kind of slipped that SD has cast me in the Persecutor role often during her texting explosion incidents. It is hard to translate, but he said something like he was trying to comfort me( and why would I need to be comforted?) by saying that it is not you this time it is BM, and seriously I have been nothing but kind to that girl, yes I have disengaged the last couple of years, but I have never been cruel in any way. Lies, lies, and drama like always. 

The good thing is that I see right through all of this now, and how the old me would be all empathic for her needs, kind and helpful; it hurts even writing that now, but having moved passed that is liberating!
  

Comments

sammigirl's picture

Submitted by sammigirl on Sun, 03/08/2020 - 9:06pm

I am happy to know you are doing well with it all.  It takes time to learn to regain your identity.  I am also finally at peace

Stay and keep us informed, I learn by reading here.  

 

Eve-Bee's picture

Submitted by Eve-Bee on Mon, 03/09/2020 - 10:52am

Thanks, sammigirl. Yes, it definitely takes time to regain your identity in such situations when people have been taking advantage of your love and kindness. Sometimes I feel embarrassed that I have not been able to see things for what they are and use knowledge from research like the drama triangle before to inform my behavior. The theory is not new for me, but now I see how I can use it as a tool to manage SD's toxicity (and DH lack of boundaries) better.

I am glad to hear that you are finally at peace. It sure is good to know that one can move past the painful everyday stepmom life. 

Eve-Bee's picture

Submitted by Eve-Bee on Mon, 03/09/2020 - 3:57pm

Thanks, yes, it really does get better and better. I learned about disengaging on this site about two years ago, and tried to practice it, but I think it is just recently that I have actually gotten the hang of it. 

It sounds very dramatic, but I feel that my hope for SD not to become a narc like her mom had to die before I was able to emotionally and full-heartedly disengage. 

Also, when accepting that she has become a narc, all her behavior is described by that. I have been active in educating myself on NPD (I especially like Michele Lee Nieves Coaching on youtube) and see the ways I have been giving her supply to stop it, which also implies disengaging!