SD and BM fighting over who is the biggest victim
SD was stopped at the airport as her flight was canceled last minute. Then she went to BM in quarantine (like everyone else), and already on the first night, DH phone is vibrating like crazy. This is no surprise; the two narcs both want to be queen bee and the victim (in the drama triangle) that gets the most attention. Two narc takers do not get any supply from each other, DH did not in any way engage in the drama (or be the rescuer), so then she called a close family member of DH and got him worried about SD(trying to get him to be the rescuer), because she was announcing that BM was the persecutor, and her the poor victim, BM had blamed SD for everything, why BM is the victim. So now SD was once again announcing that she was moving, but to increase the drama, she did not say where she was moving, but informed the family member that called DH all worried. She, of course, wanted DH to be the rescuer and beg her to come to us. He did not take the bate, so now, after some days, she is tired of waiting and is coming to our house as expected. So now it is home office (with video meetings) with SD in the house(trying to get narc supply from me), I have been doing so good, Hope that I can keep my no supply to the narc routine. My strategy is not to take the role of the rescuer or persecutor in the following days and focus on healthy habits.
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Well, that is a good question
Well, that is a good question. I feel like the biggest reason is that this is her home, and I would never not let DD stay here (but I hope she will be an independent young woman that does not need to stay), so, therefore, telling SD she is not welcome would be unfair.
The real problem is that SD is not a good person; she is toxic. Had she been normal or nice, I would have no problem with her staying. It is hard telling DH that, but I probably should.
If your DD was toxic like
If your DD that was not DH's was toxic like this, would you expect your DH to just put up with her nonsense endlessly? Would he? What would you do if your DD was 20 and failing high school for the 3rd time?
Thanks, tog redux, your
Thanks, tog redux, your comment and questions are appreciated, you challenge me in a good way. Honestly, I have to think about this. The reason why it is hard is that I find it very hard to compare DD and SD, they are so fundamentally different, in many ways, DD is very much similar to my sister, and SD is like BM.
Yet, I think it is important that I move past this and reflect more deeply about this, and I will, I think it is important that I do that.
I think she should just stay
I think she should just stay put.
I wish, but unfortunately not
I wish, but unfortunately not happening.
You don’t need to be quarantined
With SD. Just say NO. Let DH rent a hotel room for both of them if he wants her.
That's a tough one
If you two say no, then they both get what they need: the persecutors. And they can play victim.
If you say nothing and she comes over, and gets nothing from you, it's actually less drama. Though it would be more mentally and emotionally taxing on your if you're not in-practice of being a non-supplier for a narc.
I agree 100%, this is so spot
I agree 100%, this is so spot on. After I finally realized what was going on, I have been working on being a non-supplier for SD, and lately, she always moves on to find someone else. When I did not see this dynamic and her narcissistic disorder(she does not have a formal diagnosis, but checks all the criteria), she would just stay at our house all the time, and probably get supply from me. I did not know that then, but I had this horrible gut feeling like something really awful was going on, but I did not know what. I also was so emotionally drained by SD, that I was working so hard for it to not affect the rest of my life. Interestingly, after I understood the dynamic and my role in it, this specific painful gut feeling has gone away.
So she just has to live with
So she just has to live with SD, who might be in high school for the next 20 years? (In her country she can stay in high school forever). Just to keep the peace?
Nope
This pandemic situation is unique. If it were "I hate mom" or "I got pregnant" or perhaps she is planning to leave the situation altogether but hasn't, this is one way of dealing with it when you have to.
Sounds like everyone is a
Sounds like everyone is a mess. Everyone involved feeds off of everyone. You feed off them too.
Drama drama drama. IF One adult in this group said NOT ANYMORE it would end seeping over into your life.
YOU can say STOP if you wanted to.
Well, I might be a mess,
Well, I might be a mess, particularly in this quarantined with SD situation, even though I work hard to keep my inner peace, and most of the time, I have it together lately. I can say no, but that implies ending my marriage, and it might quite likely come to that.
I do not feed off them. Instead, I am drained by interacting with SD. I have come a long way realizing my part in this, and my current battle is working on stopping supplying narcs(I know that I could get a divorce instead, and I am thinking about it). But I do not deny that I have a role in this. It has been a hard awakening. I used to think that being a good person meant helping others when they were in need. I am also very empathetic of other people's needs. Sometimes, this is a strength, like in my work, I have successfully built my carrier on that skill that I enjoy. I also have many close friends, and we have always helped each other out, and I think that is a good thing that has made us close. However, when it comes to BM, SD, and DH, this has made me take the rescuer role, I see that now.
"In a relationship with a narcissist, sooner or later a triangle always forms. Narcissists use triangulation as a means to assert power and control."
Right, but the person who is
Right, but the person who is REALLY in the triangle is DH. So unless he changes, nothing will change. So can you keep your peaceful state living with SD forever? If you want him to change, you have to change how you deal with HIM, not how you deal with her. IMO, you've just learned to accept the unacceptable, to avoid getting in conflict with DH.
You are right I have accepted
You are right I have accepted the unacceptable, to avoid getting in conflict with DH. I also have been taking responsibility for a whole range of problems, especially related to SD, that I should not take responsibility for. I am working to get to a place were DH has to deal with it alone. He is currently repeatedly trying to get me to be the problem-solver(rescuer) again because, of course, this was very comfortable for him. He is already struggling with the situation, and I will not engage. So there is some progress, because having a problem-solving mindset is so deeply rooted in my personality, and I have built a career on that skill, so I do not want to change that completely, but in the case of DH and SD, I am practicing self-care by chanting in my head "not my problem". With the Corona quarantine, this is being challenged on a whole new level.
I too am a fixer and a
I too am a fixer and a problem-solver by nature and in my career. But as a mental health professional that supervises others, I always remind new staff that they cannot rescue anyone, and they can't solve problems for people who don't want them solved. Unless DH is actively involved in the solving of his own problems, there is nothing you can do to help. If he wants to fix this issue, he will. BUT, you can let him know that you are working on your own problems, one of which is your difficulty living with SD and your fear that she will be living there for the rest of her life. Remind DH that one of the problems that HE has to solve is that his wife is not happy with the status quo.
That is excellent advice tog,
That is excellent advice tog, thank you so much. Once again, you give me important perspectives on my issues to think about.