SD is hoovering back :(
Well, It is not really a surprise, I guess, but SD21 lease is up, the friend (supply) she was living with is moving to the other side of the country. Consequently, she has no place to live and thus is moving back to our home on Halloween to not end up in the streets (She is a covert narc, so she is embracing victimhood, of course). I am at a loss for words). DH and I have been working on our marriage and have gotten to a really good place, and family life with DD, which is normal and detoxed from SD, ending my marriage because of this feels so utterly sad. Just when we had a good thing going on. I guess time will tell.
I started to have a conversation with DH about this when she called and made the announcement. I asked him who will pay for her expenses? He said that would be my problem, not yours (she should, of course, do it herself, but I will not, and glad that he is not going to put me in that situation again). Then I told him I love our relationship at the moment and dreaded that our relationship, happiness, and home environment will be ruined again if everything goes back to how it was. He just started crying actually(this is not a man that cries often), told me he loved me, and that was it. I don´t know what to think at the moment. It's just sad.
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What? NO - that's not her
What? NO - that's not her decision, period. Put your foot down, she's not moving in.
Thanks Tog, I agree it is not
Thanks Tog, I agree it is not her choice, but DH does not have the ability to say no when she has no place to stay. That is how she manipulates the situation and says that it is just for a short time (Total lies). I don't have any trust in DH managing to say no, and I think I might end up having to end my marriage over this. Its just sad
That's why YOU have to say no
That's why YOU have to say no - and let him know that if he overrides it, you will be the one moving out.
She has been an adult for 3
She has been an adult for 3 yrs. Your DH has no obligation to put a roof over her head nor support her financially. Just say no, I would. In fact I have done, 3 or 4 times with 2 SDs, and would do again if the need arose.
I am still in shock and
I am still in shock and trying to think about what to do. Dh cannot say no.If I say no I think I will have to move out. He now called his mother, asking if she could take SD, but I don't think that will happen.
He CAN say no, he chooses not
He CAN say no, he chooses not to. Why can't he pay for an apartment for her for a few months, if it is a choice between this and losing his marriage?
I agree with Kes. Hey or
I agree with Kes. Hey or better yet, have your DH take her to to the nearest military recruiting station and let them help her figure it out.
Remember we don't fight to be
Remember we don't fight to be right, we fight to be understood. Make sure when you disagree, you are looking to know that your concerns are understood and you are looking to do the same. Stay away from her as best you can and just listen. Don't let her make an enemy out of you and be there for your DH in such a way she cannot vilify you
I really like that- we don't
I really like that- we don't fight to be right, we fight to be understood.
Your DH's duty is not to
Your DH's duty is not to house his adult daughter, especially after such a tumultuous time that you have had with her in the home with you. He needs to step back and tell her that he will help her as best he can but that she can't come back home to your house.
It might be worth a few hundred bucks to keep her out and on another lease somewhere... Just no co-signing!!!
WOW.
Re-read your blogs.
SD21 Feral Forger much like your Sd. Lies, manipulation, drama, trashed room, professional victim hood.
FF has tried to ask different family members to live with them, they all said no, because accusations, and then she has moved 400 miles north.
Just tell DH no. Unless this is really not something you can enforce. Whe FF SD21 was asking to move back in, BM took her. DH told her she would need to work things out with me, before a discussion of moving back into her old room (that I cleaned and cleared and completely took over). Crickets. "pick me for once over your stupid wife". Then more crickets. Now she is being nice to get back in the family and being nice to me and Munchkin.
If you are unable to enforce the no moving back - get your legal and financial ducks in a row. Get your paperwork together. Maybe if you show you are leaving, your husband will have the balls to say no to SD. Why cant she do like mine did and move in with BM?
When SS lost his place to
When SS lost his place to live, he said he wanted to enter a rehab program. We supported that. But lots of reasons or excuses as to why he couldn't get into one. So DH paid for a hotel room for him. Free movies, breakfast, WiFi etc.
Oddly enough, the very day that I said "no more" was the day a bed opened up for him.
My DH also cried, fearful of SS being homeless or in a shelter. I get it. But I was all out of chances to give that young man. DH could either continue to rescue SS or he could continue to stay married to me
Now, SS is a productive, sober, employed young man and I am very proud of him. He needed to rescue himself, and he did. Other people can't do the work required.
How will you SD ever be independent if she is never forced to be?
My DH was the same
I empathize with you, SD59 moved in after she got evicted and couldnt get another place. My DH, like yours, has a big old soft spot and just couldnt stand the idea of her being homeless. I knew it wouldn't work out because of her lying, manipulation and theft and it didn't. It was supposed to be temporary (until what?). Moving in, we heard about plans to get a job but there was always a reason why she didnt. Im sure im not telling you anything you havent experienced.
Our situation is a little diffetent from yours because our SD is older, 59, and on disability. Yours sounds young and healthy. Anyway, what I wanted to say is that after a year, we decided to subsidize SD living elsewhere. You might want to consider that. If she works, perhaps help find an affordable place and help with security deposit and a month or two of rent. Just an idea.
I seriously thought of leaving, too. But I didn't want her booting me out of my long-term home. I felt if anybody was going, it was her. Good luck. I hate that these people use this emotional blackmail but I know DH, he woukdnt let any of the 5 go without. Sigh.