4 years in, finally starting to be ground down.
I remember when I first started reading this site and seeing lots of replies and advice (not just to me, but in general) that pretty much all boiled down to:
1. You're not skid's parent. Don't act like it.
2. Don't engage with BM. Make DH deal with it.
I, like so many other new and/or idealistic SMs had so many reasons why this advice does not and should not apply to me. MY situation is so different! I'm special! My DH is not like that! SD needs me! I'm more like her real mom, I have rights too! La la la!
And now to all that I just say, HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAA
If I had followed those two simple rules from Day One of ever meeting DH, oh, how my life would have been simpler. How many fights would I have avoided! How much stress would I have missed out on!
For awhile now I have been trying to hold those two concepts as my guide. I manage to do it maybe 60% of the time but hope I will get better at that. I have come to realize the very simple and undeniable truth that SD is DH's little princess and he absolutely will not stand for any perceived abuse of her. This includes of course saying anything negative about her (even in private), being unfair, appearing to be unfair, acting in a way that could in some alternate dimension possibly be perceived as unfair, being too harsh on her, taking my own child's side in any confrontation, no matter what, and in general not loving SD exactly as if she were the child that came out of my own womb. I don't want to love her that way, and I don't think I could even if I wanted to. But I think he blames me for that.
I have learned that if I say anything negative about SD, he will often appear to be thinking about what I say, or he will even agree with me... but I will always be punished for it sooner or later, usually the same night, often through him picking a fight about something else.
DH is not really obvious about this most of the time, and he does not realize he is doing it. If I told him this is what I now think, he would be very angry that I was "accusing" him of feeling that way. I don't even think he is blind to what I am saying most of the time, and God knows often enough he has said things like he needs me to help discipline her and she needs me to be a real parent, etc. But something inside him just won't stand for anyone else picking on his baby.
Well, I've had it. We had a big blow-out a month or two ago when it came clear to me and I realized, I can't win here. Why am I fighting about how I parent her, when I can just stop parenting her? Whether he realizes it or not, that's the only viable option he is leaving me.
So to all the new SMs out there who are still trying to parent your skids... Come back and talk to me again when you have reached the same place I, and so many others here, have.
- ErinOnTheEdge's blog
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Comments
Guess i should write up a
Guess i should write up a post-it note on my mirror as a reminder.
The concept of being a stepparent is definately a new things to me, but i've seen already that even normal "parenting" such as any adult might do around a child who is in their house is probably a bad idea. It's just hard to remember that all the time! I'm so used to my family and how we grew up. (lots of kids, lots of neices/nephews) pretty much any adult in the same room with a child is expected to enforce parenting rules for the children. Of course we submit to the actual parents, but since they are family we have never been shy to give advice, suggestions as well.
A very tough habbit to break. Thanks for the reminder though Erin!
1. You're not skid's parent. Don't act like it.
2. Don't engage with BM. Make DH deal with it.
Thanks anyha. I am still
Thanks anyha. I am still relatively new at it too, and it is just SO HARD to not dive in and parent. To me it seems like I'm just acting normal, and that I'm really helping SD. I think now I can help her best by just backing off and being more like a babysitter.
I had to get smacked in the
I had to get smacked in the head several times before I got it. I never really engaged with BM other than too say Hi. Now I want to have her taken out. As for trying to be a parent. I really thought since I had been doing so well with my child, that I could fix this kid and be good to her. Well that blew up in my face and the kid used me again and again. But, I thought I could help. 2 years of marriage and 4 years of dating didn't matter that kid was not fixable. She is going to be a horrible snotty adult in a few years and one I will never have anything to do with. I did the manicures, shopping, anything I could do to get her to like me. Now fast forward and she has told unbelievable lies about our family.
I never should have tried. Just wish I had listened more and found the website well before we decided to get married. I already had misgivings, I believe if I had found you all earlier, I wouldn't have married him...
Great post! I'm hitting the 4
Great post! I'm hitting the 4 year mark in a few months. I agree with all you wrote. If I had only stayed out of it from the beginning. If I had only known this website way back then.
I still haven't married him, still hesitant still like the freedom to end it if I need to. Not just because of skids, but because he is high maintenance.
I think in the beginning we
I think in the beginning we ALL go into these situations trying to be the mother that the Skids sadly do not have. Doing all the right things, parenting, disciplining, teaching, loving, caring for the kids. I believe that it is genuine when we start out that way or at least it was for me. But after seeing how DH, 9 times out of 10 undoes everything I do I have grown tired. Just last night my failing SS18 (supposed to graduate in June highly unlikely the way his grades are right now) asks his dad if he can go play basketball. DH says yes. I ask him how he's getting there? He points at his dad. Meaning he's taking his fathers car. We had agreed that he wasn't allowed to use the car because of his grades. I smiled and said nothing. Then DH ASKS his son at what time he will be home. I smile to myself again because it seems so ironic to me that the DAD is asking the CHILD at what time he's coming home. Isn't it supposed to be "BE HOME BY....?" I give up, I don't care anymore. I do know that I told my SS18 that if by the end of the school year he has not graduated and he has no job, he is on his way back to his momma's house. I plan to stick to that and my DH better deal with it. Because I will NOT have a grown man living in my house mooching off of us.