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If you and SO didn't have skids......

Catlover's picture

Submitted by Catlover on Mon, 04/13/2009 - 2:13pm

what would your relationship be like? I'm not talking about whether skids lived w/BM instead, I'm referring to if your SO didn't ever have kids prior to you. I think I fall into the trap of thinking that if DH hadn't ever had kids prior to me that our relationship would be a lot simpler. No BM drama, No guilt parenting, not feeling like I'm last among his endless list of priorities, perhaps even being able to schedule myself and BD around what we want to do instead of catering to Skids whims.

While that is true,I do realize that while our lives might not be dictated by BM/skids drama, DH and I would probably still have our share of issues about finances, raising BD, and our parents' drama. Just wondering what your thoughts are on this?

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BMJen's picture

Submitted by BMJen on Mon, 04/13/2009 - 2:18pm

but if all of our kids were OUR kids together life would be so much simpiler. No more paying for a child that we are raising, no more 2 am phone calls from psycho, no more (you're not my mom and can't discipline me though..she doesn't say it but I'm sure she thinks it), etc. And the same for my son on my DH's end. He wouldn't have to deal with the sperm donor and all that crap. Our life would just be our lives..............

What a dream to dream.

When you really think about it do you realize that BM will be a part of your life FOREVER?? The kids turning 18 is just a birthday. Then theres college that DH has to pay for, weddings, funerals, graduations, grandkids being born, etc. It just goes on and on. The bitch will always be a part of our lives.

namaste123's picture

Submitted by namaste123 on Mon, 04/13/2009 - 2:22pm

See now, I know you said you weren't talking about if they didn't live with us, just lived with BM, but the first 1 year of our relationship skids were 1000 miles away, so it was pretty much like they didn't ever exist in my eyes. When I met him, I respected and loved the fact that he was a father and really cared for his children, but I couldn't really say they were a part of MY REALITY whatsoever.

Our relationhsip and our lives were 100% different. We had a wonderful relationship, wonderful lives, wonderful friends. We never fought. I never snapped. I never was stressed. I didn't obsess over skids, BM, $$$$, NOTHING AT ALL.

Then we moved and it all went to hell. Sad Now i'm depressed, feeling guilty constantly, have lost my self esteem that took me so long to build up on my own, obsessing daily over little things, easily highly irritated, we fight over everything.

Gia's picture

Submitted by Gia on Mon, 04/13/2009 - 2:19pm

For starters, the fact that he was such a great dad was definitely a major plus on my decision to become his life partner. I had a fatherless baby when we started dating, and he had been pretty much a single dad for a while, he also treated my son great. Without my son I would have not married him, as I was only 19, and without a baby I would have had other priorities in life.

If I had had my son but he didn't have a daughter, a lot less drama, of course, easier relationship and everything and I would be thrilled to give him his first born... Wink

But life is what it is, and if we are all here is because we lost that one and only shot we had at an intact, nuclear family...

And of course, I wouldn't know all he lovely people fromn this website Smile

stepmasochist's picture

Submitted by stepmasochist on Mon, 04/13/2009 - 6:17pm

I've asked FH that before also. Well, he technically only had two with her, he has custody of the third though she isn't his, but knowing that he never loved BM - why the f did he knock her up a second time??? It took me a while to wrap my brain around that one. I guess all I can do is sum it up as something involving the path of least resistance and loneliness being a SOB. or something like that *sigh*

jen76's picture

Submitted by jen76 on Mon, 04/13/2009 - 2:54pm

It would be better IMO. In the 5 years that H and I have been together the ONLY thing we fight about is BM/SD. We have a great relationship and things would be less stressful for both of us. Plus the obvious we would have tons more money! I think that SD calmed his life down a little (with women), but the fact that his love for children (not just his own) has always been there since he was young. He helped raised his nephews and grew up very quickly. I think without BM/SD my husband would still be the wonderful man and father he is today.

HummingBirdHunny's picture

Submitted by HummingBirdHunny on Mon, 04/13/2009 - 3:19pm

I think things would be easier to a point but for me it doesn't matter because I can hold my ground when it concerns BM. If he didn't have kids that that thing then I am not even sure we would have met because my husband and I met online..I lived in Maine and he lived here in Indiana. Plus part of what drew me to him was that he was such a devoted dad and put the kids first! Though I have asked him what the hell he ever saw in BM...and his response was that he was young and stupid! LMAO...yup sure was!

belleboudeuse's picture

Submitted by belleboudeuse on Mon, 04/13/2009 - 6:15pm

That is such a cruel fantasy! Smile

Well, DH would be LOADED with money, relatively speaking. And we would have SOOOO much less stress with the Sacred Birthing Vessel. We'd be totally set. We might have even had a kid by now. Or maybe we would have just decided to live out our lives as jet-setting middle-aged people.... Ahhhh.....

But I do have to say, I have unexpectedly really come to value my stepdaughters. Especially because not long after I met DH, my mom and last immediate family member died. And I'm not at all close to my aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. So now, my only family is DH and his daughters. If we didn't have the kids, it would just be the two of us. On a couple level, that would be such bliss, but on a larger level I have really come to appreciate having more of a family than that.

BB

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

stepmasochist's picture

Submitted by stepmasochist on Mon, 04/13/2009 - 6:24pm

Like the post Rags had about everyone being a sum of their experiences or something like that.

I have to admit, part of the reason I fell in love with him is that he's such a good dad. Without kids, I might not have ever even met him or the version of him I met could have been immature and completely self-absorbed and possibly not as accomplished as the FH that I met.

Not to say that I don't sometimes wish we were starting our life together without kids. I mean, I may not have kids of my own because, I'll have a hard time justifying it to myself when we have to care for three already and that is difficult enough, emotionally, physically, logistically and financially. That depresses me a bit.

Razamond's picture

Submitted by Razamond on Mon, 04/13/2009 - 10:59pm

Almost ALL of our disagreements (arguments) stem from SD and something she has done - whether it is stealing from me, just being hateful or some nasty letter or email she wrote or something she has done to ss or my son - she is 13 AND a nightmare. If he didn't have her - just ss and my son - don't get me wrong, life wouldn't be perfect but it would be damn close!