Step Daughter issues
Hi all
I have a problem I got together with my partner 3 years ago. He has a daughter from a previous relationship who is now 11 preteen and full of attitude. When we first started to go out she was lovely as a little 8 year old would be, wanting to play games etc. however a year ago we had our own daughter and my mood towards her changed. With lockdown and pregnancy I became to really resent her and it hasn't really gone away. She is so clingy to my partner that sometimes it makes me feel physically sick on how she acts with him. The way she draped her legs over him always wanting kisses on lips etc. she also is abnormally close to her Grandad who also sleeps in the same room as her on the floor but to me she is now at that age where that shouldn't happen (would love to know your thoughts) she is very spoilt gets whatever she wants if my Partner says no she will get her grandad to get it. The grandad also was staying 2-3 night a week as he doesn't drive and not a easy commute on transport. At present our little girl is in with us and we are going to be moving where she has her own room and I don't want him going in waking her up like he does with the other one. He can't leave them alone. SD goes up to bed and he is up and down to her all night until he goes up then they are always up late together which to me is not good for her. I really don't know where to start with how I'm feeling towards everyone I would love it not to bother me him staying but feel he takes over the house helps himself to whatever he wants. I can't bond with SD she is never at her mums always here I never get a break and my partner loves it that way he would prefer her never to go to her mums but knows she has to at some point. It's like the world is ending when she isn't here. It really bugs me. Does anyone else have this and how do you cope. I love my partner but not sure I can live my life like this until SD moves out or his Dad is no longer required to help with child care. Please no hateful comments I am trying. X
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Mini-wife
Search the term "mini-wife" on this site and you will see many instances of this dynamic. Perhaps the move to larger quarters will help but the issue is deeper than that. Good luck.
You're in for a very rough
You're in for a very rough ride. I've been in the game for over 25 years in a mini-wife focused marriage. It's been nothing less than soul-destroying.
My mini-wife on steroids is my SD32 and mini-wives don't change. Well, for the better. They actually ramp it up. Dads of mini-wives fight tooth and nail to maintain the status quo and shit all over the SM for having the nerve to have needs and to have expected to be treated like a wife. Mini-wife Syndrome is fostered by the dad due to some very deep, profound need in him. The prognosis for Mini-Wife Syndrome is slim to none. DH and I have been in and out of therapy for YEARS over it and the second any evolvement happens, DH will sabotage it or SD will pick up on it and go nuts and ramp it right up to suck DH back in. It's more than an enmeshment. It's an obsession.
Mini-wives do not launch when their peers do so don't make the mistake of thinking you can wait it out until your SD is 18. She's not going anywhere when she's 18. Or 20, or 22 or 24 or even 28. If she does launch from the residence, you'll be amazed at the turmoil she can stir up from afar.
To echo JRI, do a search on here for mini-wife and read up on it. Search up adult mini-wife and you'll see mini-wives in their 40s and even older continuing to cause mayhem in marriages all while their dadddddeeeeees not only enable it but encourage it.
Unfortunately, you have the double whammy of having both your SO and his dad fostering the mini-wife bullshit. That would make trying to fight the dynamic sooooooo much worse. Sorry to sound bleak. I have C-PTSD from my mini-wife marriage. It's fucking hell.
Omg it sounds horrible. Have
Omg it sounds horrible. Have you got any advice or tips to make things better? Does it not change when they have their own boyfriends family etc?
Many mini-wives do not get
Many mini-wives do not get boyfriends until much, much later than "standard" girls... And even then, the mini-wife in them does not let go of her father.
Make things better? Beware, it's liable to get much worse when she hits her teens.
Good luck to you.
It sounds terrible why does
It sounds terrible why does this happen? I'm not looking forward to it at all. I just need to know how to stop it ruining things?
So your partner's father is
So your partner's father is so close with your 11-year-old SD that he stays overnight several nights a week at your house? Does he sleep on her floor, or is he in and out of her room all night? Either of those is weird. And she's inappropriately affectionate with your SO, her father? Where are the women in her family? Her mother, her grandmother? This is all very strange and i worry for SD.
The mum only sees her once a
The mum only sees her once a month for a night or two. She doesn't seem very bothered about having her at all. Regarding grandmother she is older in her 70s and isn't over very much either. Her mums mum lives far away she never sees her.
He sleeps on the floor. There
He sleeps on the floor. There is no inappropriate touching it's the way she is with them and the way they treat her like a baby and can do no wrong she gets her own way. She is the one that will sit on the sofa so close always wanting to kiss her Dad and cuddle him etc. she always wants to walk holding their arms with them etc.
Unless your husband/partner makes it very clear
That you're the alpha female/wife and miniwife sd does not dictate what happens with your kids, answers back to you, orders you around or dictates what happens in your marriage or home, there is no hope.
rarely do any men find the kahunas to address precious miniwife. In my case, hubby found this disturbing because he didn't realise at first what they were doing but knew i had no ulterior motive to lie about it till he saw what was happening and confronted sd and told her that she was never to do this again.
He always has an excuse for
He always has an excuse for her on why. Yes sometimes he pipes up if she don't listen to me about putting her stuff away etc but if she is being difficult or I say anything else he always sticks up for her.