You don't have a SD problem, you have a big old DH problem.  He is taking the lazy way out and I'm sure the other Steptalkets will elaborate.  For starters, she's not there to see you, the purpose of visitation is to see HIM.  "Ask your dad" is your new mantra.

If you no longer want to do all those thing, disengagement is exactly what you need. You are essentially raising your partner's child and your partner is more than happy to have you do it. If you don't want to continue in this role, you need to stop doing anything you don't want to do and your partner will need to step up.

How does your SO treat you when the child is not around? Does he take advantage of you in others ways as well? It seems odd your SO would go to a concert and leave you to take care of his child. Unless you hated the band, it seems like that is something you would do together.

Why does your husband even take his visitation if he can't be bothered with the child?

Also, you are overfunctioning. There are things she doesn't need help with at her age. She can make her own snack. She can play by herself or read a book. She doesn't need help to shower or take a bath. Time for her to start taking care of herself. If you hadn't already not, she's treating you as her own personal slave (hence the addressing her father and not you).

I think it's about time you went to visit your family with your son for a week while she is with her father. Leave him to it.

There are things you don't have to tolerate so don't. She is far too old to be sitting on anyone's lap so tell her to quit it when she tries. When she sits glued to you, tell her to "move away please, I need space to breathe". 

Ban her from your bedroom, completely. An adult bedroom is not a child's playground. If necessary, put a lock on your door. Forbid her to touch your things. Make it clear that your possessions do not belong to her and therefore "HANDS OFF!"

Every single time she asks you for something or to do something, your automatic response must be, "ask your dad." Even when she has just asked him to get you to do something for her in front of you, "daddy can do that for you, darling." She's there for visitation with him, he should be taking care of her. He doesn't appear to understand that, make it clear that the point of visitation is for the child to see her father, NOT to give BM some free time - because that is exactly what is happening right now because you are being treated as a nanny/babysitter.

Spell it ouit to your husband that the reason his daughter is so clingy with you is that she is desperate for attention and her father is behaving as if he doesn't know her. He MUST spend one-on-one time with her because he is ruining her self esteem by ignoring her or just not wanting to do things with her. He doesn't know how? He can learn ... like everyone else. He doesn't like spending time/playing with her? Tuff, he's her father. He says you do everything better than him so he'll just let you do it? Is he incapable of acquiring new skills at work? No? Well this is exactly the same!

Please stop trying to avoid hurting her feelings. I'm not saying to be unpleasant with her, just to be clear with her. By being strict about your boundaries, you will get the message across. If you try to explain your boundaries so she won't be offended, she will effectively ignore them. Clarity avoids confusion. Remember too that you don't have to give her a reason why you're doing anything. She just needs to know that you're busy and not available (and not "not available for the next ten minutes" which just creates an obligation for you).

So, as from today, start as you mean to go on. I won't kid you, it's not going to be easy to get rid of ingrained habits but if you don't, this whole situation is going to keep on getting worse. 

ok, your husband is problem #1 as others have said. He either doesn't know how, or doesn't want to parent. So you need to protect YOU first and foremost.

1. Hygiene. This is something you should ignore UNLESS it direct effects you. If you are going somewhere and she's with you, then you address it directly and firmly. If she smells, you tell her nicely but firmly OR you move or tell her to move. My DH was horrible at this and eventually started telling the Sds that (brushing your teeth for example) didn’t matter. I told him point blank then that I was then not helping with anything dental whatsoever. I stopped making sure they showered or washed their faces (I insisted on hand washing before eating or any meal prep, hard stop). He only started monitoring this after he was stuck in a car with them and they stank it up – and had the gall to ask me about it! Um, YEAH, I’ve been telling you! And once he experienced the full force of OSDs breath when she was 13 he tried insisting on tooth brushing but by then it was a losing battle. When YSD17 shows up here for a weekend (Friday night – Sunday afternoon) she rarely showers any longer and the last time I don’t think she even brushed her teeth. I ignore.

2. No notification to you. Then you don’t help, you do NOT agree. And tell him calmly why. You cannot have responsibility without authority – this includes planning. I stuck to this firmly when the Sds were 9/11. Oh, you need help while I’m on the way out for an appointment I made last month? Too bad, you didn’t ask. Oh, you need my car but didn’t tell me and are mad that I wasn’t home? I’m not a mind-reader (this one resulted in him getting his own damn car). You want ME to ferry them and their friends back and forth or host them but I had zero input into the decisions you made? HA, nope. This relates to activities too – you don’t want to or don’t have say, don’t do it. Don’t spend your funds on it. I was burned a couple times buying tix to fun stuff that they decided then they didn’t want to do (on the day of!) so I stopped planning events or spending $ on them. It was one of my first disengagement steps. If we did trips together DH had to sit down and plan with me and pay for the Sds share. Only do things if you WANT to.

3. Your routine. See above. Make your plans, do what you want to do. The time is for your DH to spend with them, not you. Put a calendar within sight and put your schedule on it.

4. Disrespect / Clingy – this is where you see the skid needs structure and wants it, but feels like she shouldn’t like YOU so much. It’s really counterintuitive. If she disrespects, counter her and call her out. Use your schoolteacher voice. If she’s clingy, tell her to back off firmly but nicely and discuss personal space/time.

5. Comparison to BM. “That’s nice” “Uh-huh” “Interesting” “You must like that” or just nod, shrug, “I don’t do things/this/that way” “Not everyone is the same” etc. Let it roll off you.

6. Personal space. Hard line here. Lock on the door, or lock your things up. I had a discussion with OSDthen11 when she started wearing my shirts without asking. She hated she couldn’t just do it but nope. My makeup was removed from the bathroom to our room (in our former rental home) and DH replaced some of it (and was shocked at the cost – yeah, I warned him but he refused to tell them to not do it). If she goes in, you tell her to get out.

It will take repetition. If you cannot do all at once, start with one thing, nail that disengagement down, and add another and so on. Don’t discuss this with your DH. Likely he won’t take it well. I never did. What I did do was tell him in the action. “You don’t plan the use of my car with me but demand it be there if you need it so then you get your own.” “If I cannot set limits on toothbrushing then anything dental related I will not help with moving forward.” “If I cannot help with ride-planning then I will not transport Sds anytime you / BM want” etc. I also would tell him, ONLY if HE asked, "Don't you want them to grow up as strong, independent, well-adjusted and confident women? If so they need to learn how to think, take care of themselves, and learn independence now, as kids."  Both he and BM really did them no favors and they are both wierd, entitled late teens.

And not do it the next day.  You have make DH do his job. Parent his Kid. Or SD stays with BM.  You must make DH understand what is his job and he has to do it.  Yiu are not legally responsible for SD, DH is. 
if DH dumps SS on you, you tell him NO.  If he leaves her call BM and tell her to get her BD 

This situation didn't happen in one day.. it won't be fixed overnight.

I think it's not uncommon for guys to not really have much clue to raising and nurturing a child.. the dynamic in many households is still fairly gender aligned.. men work and do yard/car work.. women raise kids and do the house work.. (and now thanks to progress.. we also get to work.. lol.. yay).

So, probably taking full care of his kid? was a bit alien to him.. and you were able to come in and take control to an extent.. 

BUT... you do, at some point.. have to accept that the way you might raise a child is not necessarily the way every child needs to be raised.  His more hands off re playing etc?.. could actually lead to a more independent child.. she comes to you.. expects these things to be done.. because you taught her you would do it.

Now.. hygiene should not be ignored.. and he should be clearly told that she is not at age level and it's unsanitary..and bad for her health.  He should be stepping up..there.

Re getting her snacks etc...?  She should be able to deal with that more independently.. if that's what you want.. in our home.. the kids had to ask because we didn't want them ruining their nutritious meal eating a bunch of snacks all day.. or drinking too much sugary juice etc.. 

Those kinds of issues.. snacks.. playing are personal preference.. and she IS his child.. and if that is how he plays it.. fine.. that's how it can be.

If she comes to you.. it is a nice.."ask your dad".. it will take a million repeats of that since she is used to you doing his job.

At 8... she is old enough to know how to independently bathe.. and if you can't get him to step in here.. at least teach her how to do it independently.. set her up.. let her do her thing.. check in after a bit etc..

The unplanned sitting?  you could have told him.  Oh sitting ?  when you planned your concert.. I planned my own outing!  But.. if it is a matter of needing to be asked?  you need to be crystal clear.. that if he wants you to watch her.. he must ask.. and accept if you are not able or willing to.

IMHO.. it would be nice.. to watch her if he asks occasionally... just as he might do things to make your life easier.. but it should not be an assumption.

I think you do need to hand the parent reins back over to him.. barring out right neglect.. he needs to learn to parent.. and won't as long as you overfunction for him.

Are you married? The whole partner thing throws me off.

Next, visitation is for the child and his or her parent. 

Step back from his obligations as her dad.

Again are you married?.

Is clinging to you because you're the one who is meeting her basic needs, even the ones she's old enough to manage independently.  You show her attention and play with her so she keeps coming back for more.

I think the others are correct in that your SO is a lazy parent, happy to see you do his job. He's already said he doesn't like to play with her, so he has a tantrum when he's expected to do it. 

I think the best thing may be to set some basic rules. Number one- kids do not enter the adult's bedroom/ bathroom unless they are invited in. Hand in glove with this one is 2. Do not touch/take anything that doesn't belong to you.

Maybe set up an area in the kitchen for her snacks, things she can easily reach for herself. 

With bathing, it may be that she needs to learn how to take care of it independently- like washing her hair and making sure she washes her body.  A couple of times with guidance and she should understand it.

Your SO needs to understand that you're not the nanny, and while you may enjoy playing with her at times,  that isn't going to be the case all the time. Tell him what your boundaries are and enforce them. 

It's not mean to expect your SO to take care of their child. I'm a big fan of the "your dad can do that" and "I'm busy right now, ask your dad" to help guide her towards turning to him for whatever she needs.

I too tend to over function and think that more parenting is better than less. For instance I used to institute "family movie nights" and those were fun gathering times, but they fell by the wayside and I didnt bother about it after that. I also tried instituting meals at the dinner table together, and that ended because I got tired of sdpower sulk powersulking her way through without her constant connection to electronics.

Once I let go, it was so much easier. Failing classes? Not my problem. Constant truant? Not my problem. Overweight?no job? no driving? not my problem.

So now youve been letting go and having these discussions with partner, your resentment should ebb also. Kiddo will be happier and more respectful also.