I understand how you feel. My BF has two young boys, 5 and 8. And while I love them both to pieces, I always dreamed of having children of my own. Now, all I think is that IF I EVER have A child, I pray it's a girl...I know that it's a hard reality to succumb to; I know that I love the BF enough to marry him (and the boys). If they were little terrors, it'd be a whole different story! Is this something you can spend the rest of your life doing (dealing with the child, I mean)?
________________________________________________________________________
Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out.
Anton Chekhov

emmalee, you will feel completely different about your own child then you will about someone elses. Don't let your BF's child keep you from wanting children of your own.

It can be difficult to face that reality, unfortunately most DH's or BF's don't realize that they need to put their SO's first on the priority list.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." ~Eleanor Roosevelt

I also can relate to the feelings you're expressing. For quite some time, I was also very unsure about whether I could stay with my BF, who has a 5 y/o boy. We don't have him full time, nor even 50/50, but our Sundays are devoted to Bacon and even though it's only a few hours, sometimes it's hard to deal with. Bacon is a good kid, BM isn't a total nightmare but signs are showing she's got potential. He's everything I've ever wanted in a man, but like you, I don't know how to get past the very real fact that it will NEVER be just he and I. His son will ALWAYS be there, and as long as Bacon is, so will BM. It might sound harsh but I don't know how to share my love. I certainly had to learn during the time we've been together, but I still struggle with it. Jealousy, envy, resentment, all part of the package. When I see Bacon, I resent BM for getting THE BEST of my BF, his genes, his junk, half of him that is so sacred (you know what I mean). As I said, Bacon is a good kid, but he came into my perfect couple lifestyle indirectly. I didn't intend to have children, or even an "idea" of children, at this time, but Bacon introduced me to a life that is inevitable when you make a family. It's fucking consuming! Kids are great and rewarding but they're hard work, and when they're not your own, it's really difficult to see the "little blessings" they bring along. There have been moments where I've seriously considered if I could make that sort of commitment and change in my life just because I spent a few hours with a hyper 5 year old who showers me with love.

In my situation, BF made a few things more clear to me regarding our future. I think there's hope for us having our "own" life, but Bacon will always be there to some extent. All I can tell you is never ever settle for less than you deserve. Those little wants and needs you have that may seem irrational or ridiculous in your mind because it means giving up all the good you've got now- those things are very important and they're the essence of you. I'm not sure if this is making any sense, but don't settle. I know you don't want to. You'd never do that to yourself right?! But we only see how much we've suffered after it's all said and done. Hindsight is always 20/20. As good as you think it is now, there's ALWAYS potential to have it better (and worse, but love will find you again). And better sometimes just means different. If your potential SS makes you reconsider even having a family of your own then it's a serious sign about your situation.

We are exactly where we should be, experiencing and doing exactly what we should, in the exact moment which is now. Nothing is ever a waste of time. Ask yourself how this relationship has affected you, your morals, all you stand for, all you believe in, all you want, selfishly and truly only for YOURSELF.

Sending you good vibes, lady.

If you wish to give off light, you must endure the burn.

I also know how you feel...when I met my hubby (I have been married one month tomorrow)...he was the new father of a 2 month old baby, and was miserable...(make a long story short, unplanned unwanted pregnancy with an unstable partner) I turned down all his efforts to court me altjought I really liked him etc...I am a woman who never though she wanted kids...and I enjoy children ( I have worked in daycare, day camp, and as a pediatric nurse for a good while) but having a kid, let alone one that is not yours...another story, it was like i did not have the option to choose to have a family or not...

so in the end we finally got together, and went thru the ups and downs of this whole story, broke it off cuz BM was a psycho, and I didnt think Id accept the kid, got back together, moved in, and I finally accepted his 3rd marriage proposal...I realized, all men have faults. His might be he has a son and a BM...but I love him and although I dont enjoy his past, I think he is worth the trouble...(or i do now)

point is, nothing will ever be perfect, but you have to be convinced. When you look at him, you have to be certain, without doubt, that you are happy and it is worth it. Like misfit said, better might be different. I guess in life there is the stuff you can accept and the stuff you cant...you just gotta decide what you can and cant. Because it will never change, the kid will always be there. I cannot say I am totally open to the idea of having children ( I am still afraid that since my first child wont be his that it wont be as special...) and when he starts telling me about our future family, I change the subject, so I know how you feel...and I care deeply for my SS, we have a good relationship...but...I chose to accept this as my life with SS, BM and DHand all his crap was better than my life without DH...only you know what you can put up with, now you just gotta decide...sending you comforting vibes, take care

Well said, NightNurse

If you wish to give off light, you must endure the burning.

This is rough, I know, but the key in making this relationship work is making the both of you a team. It doesn't mean you have to discipline, but it's helpful if your partner feels that you are on their side and supporting their way of handling a situation with your SS. Shit hits the fan when you don't agree with his form of discipline, or lack of rather! as you've described is part of your dilemma. So you're stuck. Kinda.

You say you want to ask him this question...ASK HIM!!! Of course, you must also do it in a particularly gentle way because he might get offended as if you're implying his parenting skills are not appropriate. However, most likely, his parenting skills are not appropriate! lol. It's probably hard for him to see this. Since he's not a full time dad, he's dealing with some guilt (he wants to please his son while he has him, he doesn't want to be the bad parent and discipline), confusion on how to raise a kid that he doesn't see often (if rules are primarily at mom's house then what sort of rules should I instill at my house?! rules? what rules? he's here to have fun!!), and he surely gets thrown off and frustrated just like you do but covers it up with kisses and hugs (or whatever other means of comfort) because he doesn't want you to see it. It's hard not to step on his ego in this situation. I've seen my boyfriend try to handle situations with Bacon in which he was obviously at a loss for words. Lucky for me (I think), he actually looks to me with clueless eyes and asks, "okay what do we do?" or we always try to engage our teamwork method and resolve it together. Me on the sidelines just suggesting in BF's ear. I don't discipline either but there are moments where I have to do or say something because the kid will go off the deep end. At those time, I ask BF if it's okay. I've called him on certain ways he's handled Bacon and thankfully, he's accepted and understood my point of view, so now he asks for my input if his way isn't working. But it took a lot to actually confront him.

I found the best way to approach this is to bring it as you already told us. You'd like to have children with him, you'd like to provide a strong, consistent and united front for your babies, with your FH. Basically, you want to raise your family a certain way and there's nothing wrong with that! So many people have kids without ever discussing potential situations and how they'd handle it TOGETHER. Then things get chaotic because kids take advantage of parents who don't follow through with their spouse's methods. So what you'd like to do is get to know his parenting style better. You don't have to tell him you've judge it already, you're just interested because you'd like to have kids with him. That is a compliment. You can say that you've observed his methods with SS and that you, yourself (meaning you're admitting you find parenting a hassle too, so you're trying to relate to him), have been genuinely overwhelmed, frustrated, clueless (whatever fits best) as to how you would handle things, and it makes you wonder if he ever has those feelings. Ask him if it must be tough to be a "SINGLE PARENT" for the time he has SS (sometimes that's what it really feels like for them, even during visitation, and that's where the discipline line disappears because "why discipline if it's just a visit?!"), ask him how he handles it? How does he DEAL with it? (not necessarily how he FEELS about it..they don't really respond to that well). What you're going for here is (I know you know this) not to change his parenting style. That's deeply rooted and often subconsciously activated by our own parents' teachings so it's hard for him to be aware all the time. What you want to do is learn about it and see if he sees potential in handling things differently. Key word, differently, NOT BETTER. By saying "better" it implies there's something already wrong. You want to blend your parenting styles and bring out both side's strengths and keep an eye out on BOTH side's weaknesses. You want to be a TEAM.

This is just my two bits here. It may not work for you but I strongly believe it supports mutual respect, love, understanding that ever relationship could use a bit more of. It's hard when your partner doesn't stick to working on it together, but it's a constant learning experience and cutting slack is a part of it. You say that he's a perfect fit for you. I think that of my BF too, even if I don't agree with his parenting sometimes I've found that you never know until you're a parent yourself.

Keep us updated!!

That's when your tru If you wish to give off light, you must endure the burning.

You may want to date him how and not get married ever...but eventually i think you will have to make a choice, or he will make it for you...fair or not, if you tell your man how you feel, he gets to decide if this suits him or not...if you lead him to believe you want to commit, then it is misleading. If you tell him im not in it for the long run, or I wanna date you not marry you, then he KNOWS where you stand...you deserve , as everyoine does, a fulfilling relationship with all the options that you want available (i e: having kids, a home, your big fat wedding if that is what you desire, etc) if a relationship is forbidding you from getting what has always mattered to you...you cant have it all, but there are some things you can deal with, some you cant, you just have to know which is which...because things and people improve, but they dont change...hope all is well, update if you like and take care