Here's my story...please help
Hi everyone this is my post forum post and I'm very excited to get into this community for support and to learn from others that have been there before. I am in a loving and committed relationship to my BF. We just moved in together and are excited to spend the rest of our lives together. My BF has a son (5 years old) from a previous relationship. My SS is an adorable kid and we get along pretty well. Although there are times when I get stressed, overwhelmed and frustrated by things concerning his behaviour. My BF is very supportive and understanding and always makes it a point to include me in their activities for which I'm very grateful. There are times where I feel out of place and left out but I think that's normal in this type of family environment. I've come to accept a lot of things that I just can't "fix" and just to let it go. The thing that has been really bothersome as of late is my SS's lack of discipline. He lives with BM at his grandpa's house (she doesn't work) and I suppose she lets him get away with alot. When he comes over he doesn't take his shoes off, eats and leaves crumbs and spills everywhere, breaks and loses things and doesn't pick up after himself. Now I have been around kids my whole life so I know that they like to push boundaries and test waters. The thing is my BF and I have very different backgrounds and upbringings. He is from a broken homea dn shuffled alot between his mom and new husband and his own dad(drug addict) and I'm from a loving and stable family with 2 parents. I don't know exactly how this affects his parenting but I'm sure it has something to do with it. Also because he only gets to see his son every other weekend so maybe that's why hes more lienient and indulging with his behaviour. I do not insert myself as this child's motherly figure and mostly just act like an adult friend. I try to teach him what I can but do not involve myself in any discipline. I believe that should be the responsibility of my BF and BM. But my BF seems to think I need to be more scrict with his son. I just find it so frustrating because I didn't have the chance to parent from the beginning and cannot assume the same qualities into him as I would my own future kids. I expect a greater deal of discipline and respect but do not feel qualified to command it. There's more to this but if anyone else is going through the same thing or already went through it..I'd love to hear from you. Any advise or tips would be helpful because I was not exposed to many blended families growing up and don't have this kind of experience. Thanks
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Kids should respect you and your home.......
I don't care if it's the neighbor kids, my skids, or my biokids,- my rules are MY rules and I don't care what the rules are at your house. If your SS is breaking rules and his dad isn't around, it is your duty and responsibility to point this out to him. This isn't necessarily "disciplining", it's showing the kid what the rules are, just pointing them out so that he'll know. If you don't want crumbs all over the place, then the rules are FOOD is only to be eaten at the table - PERIOD. Discipline is what you do when SS is told this a couple times and he still doesn't listen - then you can bring dad in. I have rules that my FH wouldn't normally enforce, like NO cookies before dinner - not that FH would allow this, he just doesn't always SEE this - and my FH supports my rules as they are not unreasonable. Try with the SS5, he is pretty young, to enforce some rules and it may take a while, but if he is still not behaving then it's time for Dad to step in if you don't feel comfortable disciplining him. Although, I think a "time-out" from you after you have explained rules to him would not be uncomfortable for you and it will show SS5 that you are an authority figure in his life.
******My daddy always said: "It's better to be a SMARTASS, than a DUMBASS!******
Hello sista!
HI!!
i understand what you mean about being in a belnded family for the first time. I too came from a home with 2 very loving parents. My husband came from a broken home, and his father and mother have both had their issues with drugs. However, it depends on the person the parenting they give. My husband is a great father, he is also lenient with his son, and sometimes I have to be the one to tell him what he can and cant do. i dont like to push my limits as to what to say to him because then I feel right out mean, but I can tell you from experience, you need to put your foot down on the things you want your way. Its still your home, and your ss still has to respect you. The sooner you do this the better, so he can know thats how its gonna be. Im not telling you to go on a rage and yell at him, but when he doesnt put things away, or leaves a mess, you need to call that to his attention to pick it up. He has his own mother, but this is your home, not his mother's, and he needs to respect that there are rules (that he may not have at his home) in this home. We have my ss every other weekend as well, and it can be hard implementing something when you dont have him daily, but I can tell you, they start to get it. My ss is 3, and he knows what he can and cant pull in our house.
Oddly enough, im the one that usually calls his attention to things when he does them wrong, and i feel like the bad guy all the time, but when he wants something, or he feels like being affectionate he comes to me before he goes to his dad. I guess showing them a bit of structure that they might not get at their home also shows them that you care, and they notice it. Every time I get mad at him for something, i think hes gonna hate me, and grow that whole "youre not my mom" resentment, but he adores me! I mean I also give him a lot of attention when hes being good, and acknowledge with appreciation when he corrects something he wasnt supposed to do.
Its just a suggestion, you will start to pick up as you go along. and if you EVER need someone to talk to, please get a hold of me. i havent been here too long either, and this site has helped me cope with a lot.
thanks mommywood for your
thanks mommywood for your very insightful comments! It's nice to know that other people are going through the same things and succeeding! Kudos to you for sticking in there even when it's hard and asserting your position in your family. Here's the thing..BM might be going to rehab for the next few months as she just left her husband (of 8 months) and is 8 months pregnant with his child and needs help (her words, not mine). So she wants to give us SS for the next few months. Now, to be honest I'm not exactly thrilled with the idea but I do know that it will work out but it's going to be sooooo hard on me emotionally and physically. Obviously my BF is happy and can't wait to spend so much time with his son as he never had him on his own for that amount of time ever. He's mentioned that he'd like me to be the one to drop him off and pick him up from school..which is fine with me..although there is a bit of resentment towards him because of it. My BF works long hours and probably won't even be home by the time SS is already in bed every night so I would be his primary caregiver. I'm overwhelmed by this thought. I'm sure that since I'll be spending so much time with him I'll get a chance to maybe train him to go by my schedule and work together with him to make up our own special relationship and how we will treat each other which in a way is exciting too! Then after because BM is going to rehab..its going to look bad on her in court..they're going through a custody battle now ...so my BF says we will probably get full custody which brings up a lot other set of resentment/stress issues..sigh...any advice? I know...so much drama...
ok... first off, i
ok... first off, i understand being a primary caregiver... my husband works long hrs too, and he gets home way after ive already picked my ss up from daycare (or did, cause she decided not to let us pick him up from school or have him any other time but court visitation because we called the cops on her when she didnt answer her phone or door after over a week of us having him). I understand your stress. Its hard being a mother figure to someone thats not your kid. Regardless of all the love and effort you put into this kid, hes still not yours, and youre still not going to replace his mom. I have been learning that as It comes along, its hard. and as you start to get close to him and want to take the mom role (youll say you dont but in reality you get so attached you cant help but butt in, even when youre probably not supposed to), its gonna get harder for you to realize your limits.
We used to have my ss half the week, and id get him from daycare, and we would spend a lot of time with him. But like I said, recently, weve been going by court order, and it sucks. we have him every other weekend and 2 hrs thursday. We got sooo used to having him around and it feels like were missing a huge gap. So, this is where I say youre kind of lucky...
My husband and I were prepping for taking her to court for custody after she pulled this(along with attempting to assault me, but thats another story). Its hard to prove stuff against her-- she doesnt watch him, her mom does, shes always out clubbing (our sigle friends tell us they see her out eating/shopping with friends or out at night) so she never spends time with him, but shes got no record, and technically nothing we can legally do against her but claim neglect, which even then is hard to prove against a mother.
As you grow a relationship with his kid (and it seems like you will and are gonna have to with spending so much time with him), its gonna be a lot easier because youll get to have him if you get custody.
I would be psyched if I was you right now. But I do say this as someone who grew attached to my ss, and misses him dearly. You may not grow that attachment, and thats ok too. I do feel a resentment toward my ss too sometimes. I dont ever treat my ss bad, but I take it out on my husband... and thats not right, but i do it. I get this feeling like hes maikng me deal with all this stuff when I dont need it. But hey, I chose to marry him, so its all a package that I CHOSE to take.
Anyway, im rambling... i dont know if im even helping you anymore... I may just be talking, but heres my advice...and this is from seeing my husband's brother and sister (they got takin away last year from my mother in law because she has a drug problem)...
A kid in his heart of hearts appreciates all of the good and "disciplinary" things you do for him, if you catch him at an age when you get to have some say in molding him. I have read a lot of posts here of teen skids, and how terrible they can be. I cant say thats not gonna happen here and there when my ss grows up, but I can say that seeing it from my husband, and him saying it on his own about his SM, as you grow, you see who people really are. You see who cared about you when you were smaller even if someone else tries to fill your head with junk when youre small. My DH's stepmom would take care of him when he was younger. When his mom sobered up enough to get him back, she would tell him how terrible his sm was, and at that point in time, being so yound, he believed it. I fear my ss's bm will start to tell him horrible things about me, but as long as i am good to him when I see him, he will realize in time (maybe not right away) that I was good to him. Soooooo....
to wrap it up as much as i can cause i could go on and on and on...
take it one day at a time. Be good to your ss, try to tell your bf exactly how you feel if something stresses you out about the situation. The last thing you want is to go off on him for something and he doesnt even know what happened or you blow up over him leaving a cup in the wrong place when its not even that that youre mad at (ive done that). Always be honest to him if youre not cool with something, thats whats kept my hubby and I close. Sometimes a dad can be too lenient with the kid cause they feel like they already did the kid wrong by not staying with the biomom, so sometimes you have to be the one to put your foot down. God, how many times ive had to be the bad guy... but you know what, it makes things easier in the end.
It is a lot to have a child be YOUR responsibility when youve never had that before and its not even your own child, but its this or leaving. and from what I see, i dont think your FH is a bad guy, and I dont think you have leaving him in mind... Take this time to get to know your ss, give him the rules YOU want in YOUR home. Its actually good that you get him now (especially cause hes still small) so he can get to know you and know what he can and cant do.
Its not as terrible as it all seems. When I first met my DH and my ss, I was terrified, and thought I had to be the perfect mom. There are no perfect moms. I have my own baby girl now, and being a parent is something you grow to learn as it comes. But as I get to know my ss, I see that kids appreciate you even after youve disciplined them because its someone giving them a structure and showing they care.
I can say my ss adores me when we are together, even calling me "ma" on his own.
Have fun with your ss. Its gonna be hard on him too not being in his home, so there are gonna be patches of messes, but its nothing you cant come out of. As long as you love your bf, and you feel hes not taking advantage of the situation or mistreating you, theyre always things you can overcome together. Dont let this take over your relationship with your bf, and always make time for you two alone if possible, thats very important, especially for a young couple(im supposing youre young?)...
remember--- One day at a time!
Hope i helped?
Hi there! Thanks again for
Hi there! Thanks again for your wise words! Oh brother...something just happened yesterday to trigger my anxiety and frustration. I actually had an urge to come and blog right away but I was too upset. It's actually something that might not sound like a big deal but it's diving me crazy! Anyway here it is: So my BF and I have been talking about buying a new house and renting out our home now because we're into property management and real estate that sort of thing. We were looking at a specific area that is about 20 mins from where we live now which is nice but a bit out of the way of everything but will have nice property and a good place to relax and raise a family. We were both on board with this idea. But yesterday I had found a property that I asked him to look at and he says: we can't move there anymore..we need to move closer to BM's house so SS can stay at the same school. Ok, first of all I would be more likely to agree if the kid was older and actually had friends at the school. But he's 5 and in kindergarten and doesn't have friends there! Argh...so then I got to thinking oh gosh is this how its always going to be? We can't move here, we have to move there, can't live in this house it's not suitable for SS, etc. I'm sooo angry about this right now. I feel trapped and not in control of my life and the things that happen to me. I don't like feeling forever stuck to the decisions made for me because of SS. Especially if we do get full custody...I don't understand why we can't take him where we want to be..especially because those are the exact words my BF said to me just last week! It does feel a lot better to write out my feelings because when my BF and I were talking about this last night I automatically shut down right when he said that..he's like "what's wrong honey" but I pretended nothing..even though I was on the verge of tears and had to try desperately to not let them flow out. I'm sorry to burden you with all my problems..but I had to tell someone and my friends don't necessarily understand..all they say is well you can leave the relationship u know..and I do know that obviously but I have no intention to leave him. I love him very much and at the end of the day..without all this drama he and I are perfect for each other. Of course we have our problems..mostly that I don't communicate my feelings enough to him. This is because I don't want to offend him and his parenting. But I do know that my needs are important. I just need to figure out a way to express them and not be afraid of his reaction. Thanks for listening!
well, first of all, you need
well, first of all, you need to tell him how you feel. I was afraid of that at first, but it starts to build resentment against him, and how can you be mad at him for not fixing something he doesnt know is a problem?
He loves you, and as much as he is trying to make room for his son, he needs to make the same room for you. Youre right, your ss doesnt NEED to be close to his school, and its not like you guys are removing him from everything he knows. I would understant if it was like a couple of hrs away and completely in another city, but I dont see this as a huge problem that its not in the same vicinity of the school he goes to now.
You all need to make your life together as to both of your needs.
I cant say Ive had that much of a problem with my DH. Hes always taken into considertation what I want, but its also cause I speak up and tell him when I dont like something. I know its hard because you dont want to step over anyones toes or seem selfish, but arent you already accomodating to the situation a lot? I mean youre taking on a child thats not yours for him, and from what I hear youre willing to treat him like your own as much as you can. Thats a lot in itself. You should have the comfort to live where you want (of couse within reason, id undestand his side if you were trying to make him move hundreds of miles away).
You also need to bring up your boudaries with what youre willing to bend on and what youre not. Im sure he appreciates how helpful you seem to be, and how you want to accomodate to the situtation as much as possible, but if you keep shutting down, its going to take its toll, and you are going to resent him... been there!
My husband(when we first started dating) used to go so far off to accomodate his ex, that he would fix her car for her, even go to her house to move her furniture because "his son watches that tv, so he should move it FOR HIS SON." GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA....
that would piss me off when she used that for everything-- he had to fix her car cause HIS son rides in that car....
until one day i told him- hes not her husband, she needs to find her own to do that crap, and he had no need to be setting foot in her house. He pays her child support, and he sees him when hes allowed to, and gives him what he needs, and he owes her nothing.
If we ever decide to move (weve talked about this), we will make it as nice for my ss as it can be wherever it is that WE decide to move to.
I dont think your real issues here is with this house(could be wrong), you may also be upset with yourself that youre not vocalizing what you want in this relationship to keep it nice an peachy and lovey. Real relationships are built when the not so peachy things come up and how you handle them.