You are here

Reproductive Narcissist

ell's picture

i just read the most recent issue of time magazine, the article named "playing favorites". they tried to describe the science behind favoritism and explain why and how we nurture our children differently. frankly, i don't like to be compared to animals in the way i raise my "offspring", but i did find the article interesting in how it relates to raising step-children.

in the beginning of the article is a series of cartoons depicting the different types of children: the funny one, the pretty one, the smart one, the one who is pretty smart AND funny (i have one of those), etc. okay, so at the end of the pics is a drawing of a man holding his son, and his son is drawn in the exact image of the father, both wearing equally proud, stupid, goofy grins. this is exactly how i see my husband and stepson. my husband is indeed the reproductive narcissist.

but so am i...

the article goes on to say that because many of us favor one child over the other, that the favored child has entitlement issues. very true in my home, i think. also, and most importantly, the less favored child may grow up feeling that he or she is unworthy of love because of the emphasis placed on the "golden child". very sad, and i just keep thinking about this after i read how people truly feel about their skids. and sadly and truthfully, how i feel about my own sometimes. Sad i am not self-righteous in this - just spillin the truth. but i'm always fixing what's going on between us, and we'll get better...moving on-

so, i think what i'm realizing more is this: i know it's natural to favor your own kids over your step kids. there is some validity to this reproductive narcissism thing. we favor what is like us most, i think. maybe not even favor the kids like us, but maybe we're closer or something? we have more in common? whatever.

maybe it's harder to love the kids that perfect way because they aren't OUR copies. they are the copies of the bm we dislike. they are a product of intimacy between our alpha male and the one he mated to first - i know, i feel like grunting and scratching right now, and perhaps even pissing on his car to mark him. later.

we love them, but don't favor them. we see ourselves in our own children, and the stepchildren are not recognizable to us. they look different, act different and even smell different. as a baby, my ss didn't smell like my other babies, even though he lived with us most of the time. we simply favor what we create. doesn't mean it's right. we have this free will thing that animals don't have.

kinda off topic...i was reading a post yesterday that this woman was tired of her ss following her around everywhere, bugging her. okay, follow me here. so the traits that come to our biological children innately, as in our own children are born already having our traits, well the stepkids don't have it. they know it, too. they feel it rolling off of us. they feel a lack of connection. so what they do is they hang with you to get to know how to be like you. the point is they enjoy you, if even only a little bit. it is a survival mechanism. they try to win you the only way they can. they need to be taken care of. we see it as annoying. they just like us. see, if we stretch our minds a little bit, we start to see reasons...

moving on...
the article goes on to say that if you have a child who is different in any way, they will go the extra mile to get extra attention and your parental "investment". you know, if your own children are doing this stuff to win your attention, and they do it, imagine how much more - good behaviors or bad -the step child who doesn't belong is going to do. and they get more annoying. hmmm.

these scientists found over time that kids who felt they were loved less were more likely to suffer from anxiety, low self-esteem and depression. these children act out. then they are punished. the less favored child can be seen as always doing wrong, too. you lower your expectations of them. the nurture does not exist. don't you just come to expect their failure sometimes? i USED to.

.......................................................

the article kind of hit me. yeah, there is a science behind it, a natural we-were-once-cavemen order of things. the first inclination for many of us is to behave like animals, and i just keep reading and writing the proof online. sad, i know, but we've got to be honest here.

i keep seeing posts that include words like HATE and CHILD in the same sentence. it is very scary to me. and there is no science in it. i can see a lot of young step mothers on here who are exactly where i was 10 years ago. and i speak from experience, and a little bit of time magazine arrogance Wink , when i say that we can destroy these children and we shouldn't act like animals. i know exactly how you feel. our stepchildren are not our children. they may have been spawned from a rotting dysfunctional abyss. we don't like their mommies. we don't have to. we raise their kids for them so they can be free. (aah, i remember those days) their kids walk all over us most of the time.

but as much as we're feeling and venting our honest feelings, and we should keep on doing it for sanity, we gotta have a place in our blogging for the good days and the funny moments, for the stupid article reviews for time magazine...and for all the good memories we're gonna make with these PEOPLE. when people go to my facebook page, i want them to see more pics of my ss than of me and my dog. it's what we as humans are supposed to do, reproductive narcissist or not.

Comments

helen17's picture

That is really interesting. Whats really sad is that most of us here don't want to feel that hate, its just sort of accumalated from trying to parent kids that aren't ours and not getting the joy back that we get from our own. My kids aren't angels but they try and to me that is so rewarding. SS is such hard work with nothing but heartache in return. I thought I could be as good a step mum as a bio mum but its hard, very hard and my emotions are pushing me to breaking point because I can't love this child that is making me so miserable. Most of us come here cos we can't deal with these strange emotions - I tried too hard I think, I thought I could be somone elses mum and he'd love me for it. BM too passed this boy off on anyone that would have him and now he is distant, unsociable and selfish. Her fault, which I've trie to correct and I know I can't 'fix it'. He won't have the same standards I expect from my kids and therefore can't ever evoke any emotion other tha annoyance at the moment.

AliceP's picture

My mother says I have an obvious favorite, but i don't feel like I do. My oldest looks exactly like me and I have always doted on her because she so smart and wonderful blah blah blah, But there are special things about my younget I adore as well, as far as the skids go, I always say SD9 is my favorite (Not aloud or in front of the other kids) because she's been through a lot health wise, has matured a lot, the things I can't stand about her are really just because of what she's been through, and I only have to tell her to clean up or do something ONCE!!! lol, but interseting article, I think I will try and be more conscious of how I treat them an how they might feel about it. Very interesting.

ell's picture

"I thought I could be somone elses mum and he'd love me for it."

helen, you broke my heart a little bit there Sad

i think it's okay to accept that you don't have to love them the same. i don't think there should be any guilt. as long as the relationship is as healthy as you can make it,or if that's where your heart eventually leads you, then everything is okay.

as children, i almost think we're stronger and more resilient than the wrecks we are now, lol.

bbgf's picture

That article is very interesting. It's always interesting to hear scientific-primitive explanations for the way we feel about Skids. I have 2 adult daughters and 3 adult Skids- and it has been terrible trying to mesh our families. What I find most interesting is how the article explains WHY these relationships are so difficult. If we were animals- we are always going to favor our own blood/DNA /biological children. I can see how maybe unconsciously or instinctively- somewhere in our primitive side- we automatically associate the Skids with the Biological parent. SD23 lives with us and she literally is the spit en image of her mother- with behaviors and a temper to match. Sometimes I feel that she treats me bad "for her mom". Like it is her duty to be loyal to her mother- so she won't allow herself to "like" me. That would be betrayal in BM's book.
We have occasionally had "ok" moments but they are few and far between. It is interesting how we can easily turn off our feelings for the Skids- how easy it is to cringe at the thought of them being around. My SD25 has a 1 year old girl that I absolutely adore. But I have found myself in an awkward position because I am afraid that SD25 and SD23 will swap stories ( alot of drama in our house lately) and maybe cause SD25 to stop letting the baby come around. So now I find myself trying to keep a little bit of a distance- in case she gets yanked out of my life by these spoiled rotten skids. I have managed to salvage a good relationship with SD21 who is in college. She is more like her father-in looks and behaviors. SO this primitive explanation might explain why I get along with her best. She is much more laid back- responsible- respectful- and all around positive person. The other two Skids are more like their mother- and I always seem to butt heads with them. The youngest has said to be many times that she can see her father is happy and that is all she wants for him. She tries to stay out of trash talking that goes on when all the SKids are togehter with their mom. However, I don't trust any of them when they are together. In Vegas with all the Skids and our friends- one of my friends overheard trusted SD21 talking about me behind my back. So those types of things I remember forever.

I truly believe there is some biology in not being able to get along with Skids. It must be in our DNA-our survival of our own DNA- to favor those that belong to us. Despite our best efforts and no matter how much we do for our skids- they seem to find a reason to turn on us.

I have a story about a friend of mine. He is an ER Doctor- raising 3skids with his wife and their own 3 year old son. Her children are much older (2 in college and 1 in high school). He has been in their life for 10 years-since they were little. Despite living in a plush neighborhood and having an easy life- these children still do not call him "dad" or thank him for anything. They just want more- more money, more expensive things- more more more. He gets no appreciation from his Skids. And now I can see, that even when you try to treat Skids like you would your own child- the results just are not the same. And that is so sad for all the Wonderful Step parents out there who truly give their heart and homes to children who are not their own- and end up being hated in the end. It just doesn't make any sense.
:?
BBGF

ell's picture

i don't think every skid hates the sm or sd. i don't think my ss hates me. i believe that in a lot of families the disrespect is there, though. probably from the skids and the stepparents. this is no easy job.