DH told SD26 "No"

SD26 is still lingering in our area. She is not coming to our house because she's mad that the last time she was here I laid down a boundary and firmly told her "No, you can't boss me around in my own house."

SD asked DH to meet-up with her today to do something together. DH told her no. Let the gnashing of teeth and tearing of clothes in despair begin!

Dh told me he doesn't want to deal with traffic, or her, today. He is worried she won't take no for an answer and will badger him about the what's and why's.

The old me might offer up advice or solutions or perhaps agree with him that she is extremely difficult to deal with and difficult to be around. This would lead to the very dissatisfactory outcome of him defending her or making excuses for her thus creating a potential for conflict between us. Not any more. I just gave my general sympathies as to how difficult that must be for him.

I am relieved that, as far as I know, he is not inviting or begging her to come here to see him. If he doesn't chase her she may just go away. That, or she'll eventually show up on our doorstep. It's a coin toss as to which tactic she'll take.

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Better days ahead?

Well hot diggity-dog, he's beginning to see the light! If your guy is anything like mine, he’d much rather spend time with you, in his peaceful home than out and about, dealing with traffic and an unrelenting spawn. Mind you, while those awful girls are, to some extent, a product of his inadequate parenting, I do feel sorry for him.

When men age, IMHO, they are less adept at coping with disruption and extravagant demands, much preferring their domestic comforts.

You are wise to make little comment in response to his complains about his daughters. When step-life was tormenting me, I learned to utter sympathetic “Hmmms” and “Huhs”; no vocalization required. Enjoy the peace and quiet, Hon, and pray it lasts. Like the crazy lady in ‘Fatal Attraction’, younger SD may not accept being ignored!

Thanks grannyd for your well

Thanks grannyd for your well-wishes to enjoy our peace and quiet.

You are spot on. DH is retired and enjoying a peaceful life. He did his time for years dealing with long work hours and long commutes with heavy traffic. He does prefer staying here with me, having a quiet life with few disruptions. We enjoy our time together and our little projects.

I do feel sorry for him as well. It's not entirely his fault that they are insufferable. He has good intentions that go awry.

I will try to remember to practice my "Hmmms" and "Huhs" Lol. I also use "alright" and "Uh, ok."

No doubt that SD will escalate. She doesn't take well to being less than the center of attention. He has rewarded her bad behavior and tantrums one too many times which only encourages her and teaches her to keep acting that way.

As the adage about the road to hell being paved with good

intentions goes......

I feel for him too. I do celebrate that he is gaining clarity that his life with you is where his peace is.

So many parents have good intentions in their post divorce lives when it comes to their failed marriage children. For some reason few seem to ever gain any clarity on the nature of what their children so often turn out to be.

I hope SD gets his not so subtle hint.

I'd have been tempted to say,

I'd have been tempted to say, "well, it wasn't that hard now, was it?" and walked away. OTOH, I've noted, from experience, that NOT saying it (ditto for "I told you so" in all its forms) annoys them even more.

Yeo, they just "know"

As difficult as it it to let

As difficult as it it to let someone close to us handle (or in some cases not handle) their own problems without any input from us, in these situations, backing up and off is magical. You make a very good point about things too often turning around on us as scapegoats when we do make suggestions. So glad for you that this change is happening.

I'm laughing at your practice of "hmms" and "oks" etc! I know these well! In some cases I add a bland, "That's nice," never lifting my eyes from my book or iPad. lol.

Back in the day when DH would make regular trips to see the skids, I was not good at keeping my mouth shut. I'd ask questions. I'd offer unsolicited advice. Same when he returned. It always ended in conflict. Now, I say absolutely nothing. Time after time after time (the trips have been just a couple times a year for quite some time), he returns home looking beat up, drained, and let down, saying, "I missed you!" Well, if you enjoy THAT <shrug> A few days later he starts decompressing and begins talking about his concerns about x, y, & z and the whole cluster-f. It's those times when I ramp up my "hmm'ing" and "uh-huhing." If he tells me something especially bad, I shake my head like, yea, you did witness some crappy behavior. Then 6 months later he returns to the dangling carrots (grands), comes back, complains about all the money he spent, etc. Again, <shrug>.

With my DH, It's a rare day

With my DH, It's a rare day that he explicitly asks my opinion about the step D's. I guess he just wants to vent?
At this point even if he asks me a direct question about what I think I would be very cautious about it and probably say something neutral.

In that situation, how about....

"Wow, I'm sorry you have those concerns. That is not something I would tolerate."

Or something along those lines appropriate to the SKid related quesion he asks.

Or maybe even better, go Dr. Phil on him. "I wonder how that will work our for them/you?"

I like these!

I like that they are thought provoking. Especially "That is something I would not tolerate."; it would make me sheepish if used on me...I would definitely be rethinking things.

Thank you, I might add them, strategically, to my standard "Oh that's nice. What's for dinner?"

Oh my..

I had one of these so-called 'parents'. Whenever I used to ask her to spend time with me, she declined. Dealing with her own child was too much of a problem for her and she always had better things to do, it seems. Oh my...

Then, when she became bedridden, I decided to return the favour. I prioritised my own needs and comfort and let her waste away in that bed, whilst I continued enjoying my life. I wouldn't be suprised if your SD decides to do the same thing with your DH,However, she sould probably be called selfish and uncaring and a bad daughter. Typical. But If your DH prioritizes his own comfort, why can't SD? Or only men can do this?

These selfish and entitled parents get the kids they deserve.

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Better days ahead?

Thanks grannyd for your well

As the adage about the road to hell being paved with good

I'd have been tempted to say,

Yeo, they just "know"

As difficult as it it to let

With my DH, It's a rare day

In that situation, how about....

I like these!

Oh my..

You sound fun. What a hoot

LOL

Ooooo.

What a joy...

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DH told SD26 "No"

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