Annnndddd this is EXACTLY why I disengaged
Been disengaged from SD13 for about 3 years now. Sometimes DH makes snide comments like "I know you guys (me and SD) don't talk." or "I know you don't have much of a relationship." etc. So I think sometimes it definitely bothers DH that I am staying disengaged.
Well, SD13 was here all weekend with no plans so DH had the wonderful idea of making us all go grocery shopping and do a CostCo run together Sunday morning... to feed his "one big happy family" fantasy. Literally, the ENTIRE time SD13 has something negative to say.
SD: "_____ doesn't like me" referring to DS3.
DH: "Yes, he does. Stop."
*SD on the phone in the car* DH: "Get off your phone."
SD: "What's wrong with listening to music?"
DH: "I think the spices will be in the Mexican aisle one over."
SD: "Why do you say racist things?"
SD: "I"m glad we finally have good food in the house"
DH: "All you want to eat are chips and candy."
Literally EVERY comment that was made, there was a comeback to. So annyoing and exhausting. That is the EXACT reason why I don't even attempt to talk to SD13. She has a problem with everything we say. Not worth it.
I think it's safe to say DH won't be encouraging anymore "family" grocery store shopping again anytime too. He won't say it, but his actions say otherwise that he is burnt out from SD
In an attempt to be inclusive last week, I told DH that SD13 was welcome to come visit my parents house at the beach over spring break... about a month away, if he wanted to go ahead and try to coordinate plans with BM. He immediately said SD had other plans already. GREAT, but at least I tried.
Come to find out... BM didn't actually reach out until a couple of days ago asking if we had plans for spring break. DH said we had no plans and SD was welcome to go with BM! I'm not offended I just find it odd that he immediately declined a trip for all of us, but on the flipside makes comments like "I know you don't talk" etc. Makes me think he never wanted all of us to do a "family" trip in the first place. I'm totally fine with that after a disaster of a trip several years ago (whole different post).
Would you call out DH on the exhasuting behaviors if he wants to do family grocery shopping again?
Also, I'm leaning towards not even bringing up the beach trip during spring break again. Part of me wants to know why DH didn't even attempt to schedule SD13 to come with us, but the other part of me is thankful (as terrible as that sounds). What would you do?
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Sometimes no response is a
Sometimes no response is a response. The fact that your DH got to see it with his own two eyes and shoot her down for spring break is gold. I WISH my DH could see/acknowledge what a mess SS16 is.
He had to have realized if a quick trip to Costco was so
aggravating and miserable that she would ruin a trip to the beach for everyone.
Have a good trip
With DH and DS.' DH doesn't not want is MIL to see SD
Make sure SD does not effect DS Childhood. As don't let SD stop you from going to the North Pole /sanat workshop type of place because SD doesn't want to go. If she try's to screw up the trio that's in DH. DS is only young once. SD had that opportunity when she was young. DS should have the same opportunity
Totally agree 100% with this!
Totally agree 100% with this! SD13 "sits out" on a lot of invites that DH extends. For example, she didn't want to go get a Christmas tree with us. The three of us still went anyway. Sometimes it is just DS3 and myself doing things together, but when DH declines, it's because of his work schedule, not because of SD refusing to go too. So I hope we can keep this up!
DH and I were at that Costco
DH and I were at that Costco store today. He says to me, I think YSD17 needs shampoo. I say, ok, there's a bunch here and gesture around me and I keep walking. He looks around confused at the choices. Says again, I think she's low on shampoo. Aha, I think, he wants me to pick something for her. Nope. I tell him, why don't you take her to the grocery store next time she's here and SHE can pick something she wants. He gets it now, says yes, that's a good idea.
Keep on it!
You initiated. DH shut it
You initiated. DH shut it down. DH initiated the SD pouty snarky Skid trip to Costco, do not bring it up again until DH tries it again, they remind him of how well it went this time.
I get the fence sitting on wondering why DH did not even attempt to include SD-13 in the beach trip. But, keep in mind, she just chapped his ass with her crap during the one happy family grocery trip.
Dh has probably
Realised that he doesn't want the life sacked out of him but his negative rude offspring whilst on vacation! But can't admit that to you , yet? Give it a few more joyful family outings and he just might say it out loud:)
this:
this:
"He immediately said SD had other plans already. GREAT, but at least I tried."
and this:
"BM didn't actually reach out until a couple of days ago asking if we had plans for spring break. DH said we had no plans and SD was welcome to go with BM! "
Dude's lying to you, dude's lying to BM. He didn't know if she had plans, he lied about you having plans. Seems like Daddy is trying to avoid the mess that will happen if she goes w/ you and pulls her 'I'm unhappy' crap. But instead of manning up, he's lying to everyone.
That's not a you problem.
That's a him and his kiddo problem. He knows she'll be miserable on your trip so he lies to avoid her going. Do not let him try to pin the blame on you. (and he will)
This kind of made me chuckle.
This kind of made me chuckle.. two posts in a row.. about teen girls.. who are probably the most miserable beings on the planet.. haha.
I mean.. that IS a hallmark of that age.. they are moody.. contrary.. smarter than you.. petty... meangirl.. hormonal.. yep.. a teen girl is not the wonder of blossoming into a woman in many cases.. unfortunately..
DH used to make excuses for
DH used to make excuses for SD13 ALL the time when she was younger. She would be acting bratty and DH would say "she's just a kid." Or say just downright mean-spirited things and DH would give the same response. I'm ready for the "she's just a teen" comment from DH! Even though she is a teen, it shouldn't mean I have to be miserable.
DS3 is a toddler, but I don't excuse his behavior. If he's throwing a tantrum in the store, we leave. I don't just tell other customers "oh, he's a toddler" and then make their experience miserable too. SD13 was failed as a child with not being held to any expectations by both her bios and DH is starting to see the effects.
I don't necessarily mean that
I don't necessarily mean that it needs to be accepted as "ok" to be rude.
My parents had a rule that if you are going to be miserable.. go to your room.. you aren't going to inflict it on the rest of the family.
I get that you don't correct your toddler..but you do also probably realize that at a basic level most of what the toddler does is not a choice to do bad.. and in a way.. teens don't necessarily mean to be as.. well mean.. but there are a lot of things going on.. and it's a tough time.
I clearly remember being that age.. and sometimes.. things just seemed like the end of the world.. my parents were sooooo embarassing.. and treating me like a child.. etc.. so.. I get where kids come from.. but we were told that we were not behaving properly too.. it's not a "shrug".. oh well.. thing.. it's dealt with.. but also understanding it's not always all that personal.. and a product of conflicts the kid is likely feeling inside.. that can at least help understand where they may be coming from.
Results are
No one wants to be around SD. Except DH .. Who more is looking for his HAPPY FAMIKY. Not undressing he has one with you,and DS. SD is not part of it. And with the way she acts, wanting to control everything. She will never be.
I feel the same. The two of
I feel the same. The two of them can't even co-exist themselves without arguing. The "idea" that we can all be one big happy family is delusional at best.
I would definitely not
I would definitely not breathe one single peep about that beach trip again! SD has plans, that sounds like a win to me. She also sounds much like SD14 here. It's hard to be around her because she sucks the life out of the room. If she isn't being obnoxious, she's being ungrateful or negative. The thought of a trip with her makes my stomach churn.
Yes, it's more like a gloomy
Yes, it's more like a gloomy cloud just hovering over! Does your SD14 always seem to want more? It's like nothing DH does is never good enough for her. He makes her a hair appointment and she immediately complains that she "needs" blonde highlights too. She treats DH as an ATM machine. Otherwise, she's not interested.