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DeborahLynn's picture

Submitted by DeborahLynn on Sat, 02/21/2015 - 9:09pm

I am a widow and married about a year and half ago another widow with 5 adults daughters, the youngest who is 23 has been living with us now for a year. so we have only had 6 months together by ourselves. Since SD moved in there are fights with her constantly because she refuses to clean up after herself. She lives here rent free and barely works and wants the freedom to leave her messes til she wants to clean them up (in the kitchen, bathroom, living etc. I have tried so hard to be nice and take an interest but its just impossible. So now I have to live with someone who hates me and makes me feel guilty because I expect her to clean up and not leave it for me to clean.
As I read some of your blogs it make me cry. It seems like the future is going to get worse not better. Its not much better with the other girls. they resent me for marrying their daddy. Please tell me it can get better. Cause right now I am questioning what I have done. I love my husband dearly. We are good together, but I hate being places where I am so unwanted, its so uncomfortable.

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ChiefGrownup's picture

Submitted by ChiefGrownup on Sun, 02/22/2015 - 11:03am

Your sadness and fear come though loud and clear. I feel a lot of empathy for you. For me, the first 6 months were terrifying from all the feelings you are having right now.

And the first three months were by far the worst. My stepdaughter, 13 at the time, has backward social development coupled with far advanced bullying development. She turned it on me (and on her little brother) with a vengeance. My husband willed himself not to see her behavior. I begged and begged him and got nada.

Around three months of this, I told him, "Well, if she needs even more of your time and attention, perhaps I should go live at my house on weekends and you can drop ss off there, too, so she can get you all to herself the way she seems to need."

This shocked my dh out of his stupor. He did not want that at all and figured a marriage a like that wouldn't last ten minutes. He finally started taking steps to curtail her behavior.

It has not been a perfectly smooth path since then but by the end of the first year we had some of it worked out. Including that I, myself, found my own voice again and remembered how to enforce my own boundaries. We recently celebrated 2 years and the 2nd year was way better than the first.

So, yes, it can get better. But you must make your marriage partnership a priority and you must make your own sanity a priority. That means try very, very hard to make your husband your partner in this. He does not see her the way you do. He sees an adorable three year old who clung to him with cherubic hands when he looks at her. He does not see her hostility and her mess. But your sanity is equally important to value and is not "less than" his deep fondness for his child. It can't be. Your marriage is doomed if your sanity and happiness is sacrificed.

So SPEAK UP.

ETA: BTW, I myself put an end to her bullying her little brother. That was about 10 months in. I was getting my land legs back and told that kid it was going to stop or she'd have me to deal with. In fact, I even told her her dad thought the world of her but I saw her a little differently. Moment of truth between woman and girl.