Sick and Tired of being last....this is a train wreck...
Anyone out there tired of being not second, third or fourth thought - always last? We have been married since last summer and we have been working on putting us first and it doesn't seem to work. My job is very demanding, we have a large family and our weekends without too much running is always such a welcomed relief and blessing for us. We can hardly connect during the week and every other weekend with only the older kids who are independent in the home is a great relief. I have to admit also these weekends without SDx2 is a luxury. They are high maintenance, rude, disrespectful, selfish and entitled monsters. Oldest SD is a mental mess - says her life is horrible, cutter, depressed and a drama queen. Her problem is she has never been told no, lives in a McMansion, has a closet full of clothes, shoes and jewelry, goes to private school, never has gone without anything and is misreable - cry me a river. SD 2 is following closely in her footsteps. When one SD get's something from the store, you better make sure the other SD get's something, too. Otherwise, they both whine and pout (14,11)and BM will call - "how come SD didn't get something?"
My son's have been raised very differently and are not materialistic, rude or behave with entitlement issues - they aren't perfect but they even comment on how the two SD are "spoiled". I call it, divorce guilt syndrome but this has been going on far longer and before I came into the picture. BM acts with the same sense of entitlement. Which is easy to do when you don't have to work for anything.
I walk in the door last night, after a huge week, to be told "oh, by the way oldest SD will be staying with us tomorrow night (Saturday) so she can get her hair done before church on Sunday". Um, where is BM to help her daughter and what happened to checking with each other first before we make plans for "our" weekend?
My week nights are spent shut in my room or office working and now so will this weekend. When the SD's ask "why do you always go to bed so early or why are you always working?" how do I respond, "So I don't have to deal with you" and not hurt DH.
I feel like this whole thing is a huge mistake, my son's feel it, I feel it and I know everyone else must, too. I am seriously second guessing this second marriage. :?
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During the first year or two
During the first year or two of my relationship with DH, he was bowing down to BM, canceling plans with me to take the ssons so that BM can go on dates or have free time. For the longest time, even though it bothered me I didn't say anything. After all I knew that he had children and I knew being with a man who has kids mean I won't always be his #1 priority. Not talking to him about it was creating resentment and driving a wedge between us. Not to mention BM coming the house, entitled, waking in like she still lived there, demanding things, and laying on the guilt, telling him he loves me more than his kids, blah, blah, blah. It was a lot! I was ready to walk out because I knew I didn't want to be in a relationship where everyone else comes before me. I used to think it was selfish of me to ask my partner to make time for me, to tell his ex to keep the kids on her time so that he can keep his promise to me. It was not until DH's own mother gave him a hard time for his lack of thoughtfulness and always appeasing his ex at my expense. From that point, I decided to stand up for myself more and when I feel like DH is not putting me first, I say something. I understand fully well that I won't be his number 1 priority everyday and all day BUT I expect to not always be last either. Things are still far from perfect but they're way better than before and I feel happier overall.
I shared all this to say I can empathize with what you're feeling. And if you haven't try yet, have a talk with your DH one calm evening and tell him how you feel. You might have to repeat yourself a few times until it sets in but if he cares about you, he'll listen and try to make some changes.
I also wanted to add that if
I also wanted to add that if at the end of the day you truly believe that it's a mistake and there's no way things are changing, please don't feel guilty about leaving. I firmly believe that not all relationships are meant to last forever. I'm sure it's scary thinking about starting over again but you've started over before and you sure can do that again if that's what it'll take. Plus, you have children and your kids have to come first, think about what it'll do them living in that dysfunctional environment.
Thank you for your insight
Thank you for your insight and words. It is helpful to know others have been through this same situation and have good advice. I really appreciate the time you took to answer. I will talk with him, even if it's again and again.