Welcome.
It's a nice concept isn't it, but not very realistic. I've grown to love my stepkids, they're good kids. They respect me & my home, which is IMPORTANT, What I don't love is how they manipulate my DH. It upsets me. I resent it. They know how much their father loves them and how he would do anything for them and they abuse that.
I have learned to just sit back & watch things unfold. I have noticed the more I do that, the more DH steps up and addresses the issues.

the biggest double standard ever. they don't have to love and respect us like we are their mother, but we are certainly expected to love them as if we gave birth to them. :?

love is an emotion, and emotions cannot be forced. you can't make anyone love anyone else. it's either there or it's not. he may as well tell you to fly off the roof and land gracefully in the yard like a bird. you are not equipped to do that, any more than anyone is equipped to love a step like a bio.

Great advice in all the posts above, nothing left to add.

Good luck!

I agree with what everyone above has said and will add that no "step"- be they a SM, SF or SK., should be told by anyone else that they should even try to love the other "steps" in their situation as they would their own bio family members. All this man should be asking of you is that you treat his kids respectfully. And he certainly should be insisting on respectful behavior towards you and your bios from his own kids. It seems like he is so busy trying to force everyone on each other that he's not realizing that everyone will be a lot more open to building a relationship with the others if he ceases forcing everyone on each other without budging on his insistence of respectful behavior from everyone, to everyone.

Ask him if he expects his kids to love you like their mom. When he says no then ask him why do u expect me to love them like my own kids then? I think just saying those simple words will get him to shut up.

Then tell him no relationship works if its one sided. I have one for every excuse he can dish. Lol

I feel like I did love my ss as my own. well, not exactly as that is impossible, but i believe I came just as close as you can. Despite all his behavioral issues, I bonded with him quite early-as he lived with us fulltime starting at age 2. I pottytrained him, taught him to read, was his room mom in kindergarten, his soccer mom, sat in the ER with him for hours, stayed home from work when he was ill, taught him to tie his shoes and write his name. You name it, I did it-just as I did for my own children.

Where did it get me? Hell. This little shit turned on me and my family like no other. Lying, stealing, physical aggression, threats, creepy sexual things, extreme bullying, drugs. There is just no end to the amount of bs this kid has put me and mine through and he's not even 15 yet. Loving him like my own-did not make the situation better-it did not make us the Brady's or solve any sort of problems, instead what it did was broke my heart. As ss's behaviors and attitudes intensified, my heart literally broke that someone that I loved and put some much care and attention into could treat me and mine the way that he did. I felt utter betrayal and grief. That was years ago-no I just feel contempt. I dont see him at all, no contact and I hope to never have. So, tell your dh, that it matters not whether you love him or not (truly the kid probably couldnt care less whether you love him or not-YOU are not a major player in his life-but more like a pesky annoyance).

if they were my own I would put feet in that ass! So be careful what you ask for.

I put a lot of love into my relationship with my stepchildren and got my heart broken in the process. When you do that and it goes wrong the resentment and distress is very damaging to your relationship with your partner. It's better all round to aim for more of a middle ground.

What I realised is that the closeness of your relationship with your stepchildren is controlled not by how much you are able to care for them,but by how much they are able to care for you. If they can't open their hearts up to you then nothing you do as a stepparent can make them. Love is a 2 way street, there has to be some reciprocity or it is basically just one person pouring effort and feeling into a vacuum. That's a waste of time and effort for all concerned and generally the children, particularly teens and older, don't WANT or need that love. They need to feel welcome and comfortable in their parents home, and have a pleasant relationship with the stepparent, but they do not need or want a stepparent to love them - that side of things should come from the two parents they already have. In fact trying to force step children into a nuclear family mould where they are expected to love and be loved by a stepparent generally makes them uncomfortable.

Being an adult doesn't give you super powers to generate love where none exists, it just means you should have slightly more control over your emotions and reactions, and make best efforts to facilitate a good relationship. Ideally I think the stepparent role should be pitched at friendly and caring but firm, with slightly more emphasis on the caring when the children are very young, and affection and attention from the adults in their life is more important. The rest is up to the bio parent. If even friendly and caring doesn't work then you have to step back as far as is necessary to achieve a balance where you can all co- exist.