You are here

He is not right in the head

cyberwoman's picture

Scene: A busy restaurant at lunch time.

Cyberwoman: OK so did ss23 apply for financial aid for the current semester?

DH: Yeah... ummmm... sure he applied for many things at many places but did not qualify because we make too much money.

Cyber: You know he is 23 he can apply for a student loan without involving his parents financials.

DH: A loan? F*ck that, you have to pay that back!

Cyber: :jawdrop: .... well yes that's the whole idea about a loan you do have to pay it back.

DH: Forget it. I made up my mind that ss is getting a degree no matter what and you will not change my mind. I just have to be strong.

Cyber: :? ( should I slip a Haldol into his drink or will Lithium be sufficient) OK dear ready to order?


purpledaisies's picture

WOW just wow. Dh and I talked about college and we both agree that all the kids have to pay for it themselves!

Your ss CAN get a degree it does NOT depend on if daddy dearest pays or if ss pays! Why can't some people get that????

cyberwoman's picture

I believe in education too. I got one myself and paid for it with my own money. If only I would see a spark of integrity in this young man. He chose the easiest degree offered by the school that he could have finished in 3 years. Instead he takes yoga and history of food classes and has been working on his degree for 4 years with another 2 to go. Oh and he now wants to change his major for the 3rd time.

cyberwoman's picture

Old Dart, I just thought of something off the subject. If the makers of the Night of the Living Dead would have waited a few years they could have observed patients on Depakote and got some great makeup and hair ideas too for the movie. I saw some people lose hair in interesting patterns and exhibit spectacular facial twitches. You can get creative with that. Biggrin

Timetogiveup's picture

When did student loans and work programs become dirty words?????

Why is ss still in school at he going for his masters?

I'm sorry but a parent paying for the kids education is NOT a given. The little brats just think they deserve everything handed to them, excuse me spoon fed.

Rags's picture

I was on the 11yr undergrad plan. 7 majors, 7 schools ...... one undergrad degree with more than 240 semester hours on my transcripts when I finished my BS.

I was looking for what I loved to do. Mom and Dad paid for my first two years, I paid for the middle 7 years then they helped with the last two. Other than the first two years I worked, started a business, sold the business and worked some more. I worked and took out loans for the last two years.

My MBA was covered by my employer. It took me 4 years to finish my MBA which should have taken 22mos. But, I was on the reimbursement pace of what my employer would cover.

My wife did her undergrad in 4.5 years of classes. She did take a year and half off after we married.

I too believe that education or intense training is imperative for our kids. However, my wife and I are not spending a penny of marital resources on our son's (my SS's) college education until he proves that he is serious, will perform and he earns it. We flushed way too much money on his intermittent effort during HS to throw good money after bad for college until he grows up. I will fund a degree for him but he can find himself on his own dime. I also will not pay for any degree that is not economically viable. No degrees that results in him bar-tending after graduation. He gets to major in Business, Engineering, ummm, business, engineering, nursing, business, engineering, ..... unless he pays for it himself. Then he can major in whatever he likes. }:)

So, it is off to the Marine Corps for him. Four years of learning to adapt, overcome and to build maturity and confidence should be just about right to get him to the point that his mom and I are comfortable enough to invest in his college education.

I know, I don't have the most supportive or reasonable opinion on this topic but I refuse to fund even two years (like my parents did) until he shows me that it would not be a waste of money.

Best regards,

Synaesthete's picture

:O Yikes!

cyberwoman's picture

I made that suggestion when ss was 17 and was arrested for the second time. DH nixed that idea 'cause "he is so fragile he may commit suicide in the service". I am not entirely discouraged as Old Dart pointed out a shot of Thorazine will straighten DH out. So what if he walks funny? Biggrin

steptwins's picture

I'm guilty too, as a BM b.c. all I want out of my life is for my DD is to graduate & then launch. I really don't see her having any viable future w/o a degree. She's on her 3rd major, and said in May "I'm not that passionate about my major, can I switch?". I did say No. I was so proud of myself too. So she's taken 6 years-w/total support, and this will be her last semester. I admit its more my dream than hers possibly, but that's how I feel in my heart. Your DH may also feel that way. I would not STAND for her owing any money for this dream either, she's my only child for God's sake. And living with the swins I surely want my money to go to her. Obvious there's alot of fault w/my line of thought vs her dad who moved away when she was 10 & offers no help w/her college, etc. b.c. he believes she should be self-sufficient. And my DH stays out of it - doesn't help or hurt which I'll gladly reciopricate by not engaging when his twins go to college. Smile

cyberwoman's picture

I am all for ss having a degree, but why on my dime? Also I failed to mention he is getting C's and D's and has been placed on academic probation for a semester because he is not showing up for classes. He is not a baby, I can not make him go to classes. He obviously does not want to work on his degree. Yoga and history of food for $3K a semester? WTF?

caregiver1127's picture

Does anyone here think that if this kids had to pay for college on their own - they might know what they want to be in 4 years instead of 6 or 7 - Rags you are a special case and I am not referring to you -lol. What kid would not like to go to school for 6 or 7 years and have their parents and usually it is the DH foot the bill.

Also a student loan is an awesome way to build credit - and when someone has to work and pay for something they seem to appreciate it more.

Rags's picture

Yep, I am special!!!! And not necessarily in a good way. Wink

My parents still threaten to beat me when my 11yr undergrad adventure comes up at family events. But, they also thank me for keeping my younger bro from dropping out of college to go in to the Marine Corps warrant officer flight program. He finished school and is now a very highly paid younger executive. Grrrr!!! I should have let the little shit quit. Then I would be the top dog son in the family. Blum 3

Just kidding of course. I am very proud of my little bro. He is my best friend. Of coures he has had the advantage of having me as his life long best friend. I picked him up as my best friend after mom and dad brought him home from the hospital when I was 6.

Even now my cousins will tell their recent college graduate kids "at least it did not take you as long as it took Rags!"

I work in the same industry that my father worked in for decades. Some of the people who I work with who know my dad also have commented that their kids took too damned long to finish college but "not as long as your dad said it took you."

As for a kid wanting to go to college for 6 or 7 years on mom and dad's dime .... if I could find a high paying job doing nothing but going to college that would be my dream career.

I loved school.

You are also right about appreciating school more if you have to pay for it. I did much better academically after I had to pay my own way. Not that I did not appreciate my parents help. But I was much more focussed when my classes were on my own dime after my Freshman and Sophomore years of college.

Best regards,

LizzieA's picture

It's awesome when parents want to pay for college and can afford it. However, I have seen very few kids with much motivation when that happens. Can you say 4 year party? (I am sure there are exceptions.) My approach (and I have two college educated DDs, the oldest is now getting her master's), is for a mix of student paying, parents contributing, and financial aid, including scholarships and loans. Both my DD's owned less than $15,000 when they were done. Some poor kids owe $40-100,000! The major has to have employment opportunities attached that will mean that the kid can repay loans. I've seen a lot of people with very expensive educations who can't get jobs that pay much more than minimum wage. Example, with my two years of accounting (4 year degree was in process), I earned more at a bank than 2 recent grads of the private college down the street. One of my personal goals was to have my DDs get a degree. Fortunately we were able to do that without bankrupting me or them.

rinkrats5's picture

I think he must have made that one up on a day where he was shot full of Haldol! Ceramics? Seriously. LMAO

Stpma's picture

I think kids should definitely help, they would work harder if it was their dime. SS is 12 and I have a feeling he is going to be one of those who waits a few years to go. I guess that good news for us because we can actually chose how much we want to contribute as opposed to being forced to foot the biggest part of the bill.

rinkrats5's picture

I know from experience that in Ontario - depending on the type of loan you get thru OSAP - once you finish your course and graduate - alot of it is granted to you and I only had to pay back 7 thousand per year - even though they loaned me 15 thousand....
So....why wouldnt you take advantage of that? Its like throwing away free money!
It also makes the child more responsible because they have to pay it back and most of them take more care with the original loan.

Rags's picture


I absolutely agree with your perspective on this and I too have been grilled in interviews about how long I spent in college. I don't put my graduation date on my resume for that very reason.

However, for me the length of my undergrad career has been an advantage in interviews even when I was a new college grad. I was in school the entire time (at least 1 class each semester) but I also started, ran and sold a business during 5yrs of my undergrad career. For all but the first two years I worked.

If I am asked about my graduation date or length of my undergrad career, I discuss my work/college time line.

When I graduated and would interview with companies with my class mates (most in their early 20's) they often finished interviewing in a couple of hours while I spent all day being passed up the food chain due to my work experience. I was 30 with 9+yrs of work experience when I graduated with my undergrad compared to most of my class who were in their early 20's with little or no work experience.

To prevent my son (SS) from repeating my mistakes in his undergrad career, when he pulls his head out and convinces his mom and I that he is worthy of our investment in his college education, he can take out loans and work to pay for his tuition and associated costs. When he completes a semester with C's or better we will pay off his loan for that semester including any accrued interest. If he gets a single D, Inc or F then that entire semester is on him and he can keep and service the loan. That way he is rewarded for adequate performance and punished heavily for lack of performance, even if only in a single class.

In his case C will stand for CASH. Both in immediate elimination of current semester debt or increase in income and also in career income when he graduates. D or less will stand for DEBT that will reduce his income and life style immediately and when and if he graduates.

To avoid loans I have advised him to work and pay for his first semester fully out of his own pocket. That way if he performs (C or better) we will write him a check directly instead of paying off a loan.

Anyway, this is how my wife and I have agreed and intend to hold him accouitable both for his own college education and for his performance.

Best regards,

hismineandours's picture

My parents paid for my first two years of college-I paid for the last two of my bachelor's and 2 years for a masters. With student loans, grants, and parttime jobs. At age 21, while still in college I had moved in with my fdh and I was self-supporting. It makes me ill when I hear parents are still supporting there 23 year old "kids". I paid back all my loans and am proud of it. I did get grants my last two years of undergrad because I was self supporting and they looked at my part time income (I think the rule for that was if noone else claimed you on taxes they would assume you were self supporting and go only by your income).

skylarksms's picture

I wouldn't say my parents didn't help me at ALL (my dad would fix car issues and my mom bought a lot of clothes/toys for my son since I didn't get CS) but I worked and took out student loans for both my degrees.

Hopefully after CS is done, "we" can ramp up my student loan payments...!

BitterSM's picture

Coming from personal experience I will say that your SS will take it more seriously when you cut the cord. I went to college straight out of High School with no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up & with my parents footing the bill I did 3 semesters of whatever the easiest classes were. I dropped out & went to work, 10 years later I am back on my own dime and am just amazed at these 19 year olds in school...texting under their desks, not showing up to class, not doing their work. I talked to a girl in my math class who has been taking 2 classes a semester for years because while she is in school her mom will foot the bill. Said she doesn't care if it takes 10 years to graduate. This is the 3rd time she's taking the same math class because she doesn't do the work or pay attention. Now that I am paying my own way it's completely different, I'm invested in it. Maybe your SS needs to take some time off too, work some minimum wage job for awhile & figure out what he wants on life. I wouldn't recommend taking 10 years like I did though. Smile