Bathing and Blinds
Had a little talk with DP last night about bathing and blinds.
Me: I didn't talk to you yet about this because we haven't really had a chance. SD11 smelled on Friday night. Not classic BO or Pit Odor. She smelled just dirty. Her hair wasn't clean, I don't think she's brushing her teeth (duh), and she was probably wearing dirty clothes.
DP: Head in hands. We need to make sure they shower every day.
Me: I don't think every day is needed yet. I think every other day or at least 3x per week. But we can't control what goes on at BM's house. We can make sure they shower at least once a week night when we have them and once on the weekend.
DP: That's fine.
Me: But YOU have to push them to do it. And SD11 especially is going to fight you. 8:00 pm is not too late for a girl who stays online until 9:30 or 10:00 at night (that's a whole other issue...).
DP: Ok, yes.
Me: And you need to know she is not putting her dirty clothes into her laundry basket. She probably lost track of what is dirty and clean.
DP: I'll talk with her.
Later...
Me: You know I am taking down the blinds from SD9 room this weekend.
DP: Why?
Me: They are almost completely broken. There's a chance they might be repaired, but I doubt it. She's completely trashed them. Instead of asking us for help like she's been told, she forces them open/shut.
DP: I did that the other day.
Me: But she got them to that state. They will come down at this point before they fall down. You know it's a rental house and you will have to pay for those.
DP: Nods.
Me: I'll put up a sheet on her big window but nothing on the smaller window. Just so you know.
DP: Ok
And I just found out they are home early tonight! At least DP warns me - he knows I like my Wed later arrival times so I can have dinner and watch a show alone.
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My SD13 is downstairs having
My SD13 is downstairs having a jolly good time with DH, wh got home early tonight. SD13 hasn't showered since Saturday morning.
I have never been able to go this long with not saying something, but it looks like she'll be skipping her shower again tonight.
DH and SD13 are clueless! So I feel your pain. LOL
Leave her alone about the
Leave her alone about the showers. Her peers will solve that problem soon enough.
Yes, we were out once with
Yes, we were out once with SD11 and her hair was terribly greasy and her jacket was filthy. DP didn't seem to notice or care (we talked afterward and he didn't get it!!), and I wanted to hang a sign reading, "she's not mine, I tried to tell her but she and her dad don't care. Don't judge me."
We are going to be visiting my family soon and I've warned them and explained disengagement so they understand why I don't do much for them.
I've been thinking about this
I've been thinking about this since I posted. Love the comments because they make me think! I need a slap aside the head sometimes.
DP did tell me the other day that when he was with BM she pretty much did most physical things for the SDs. She is a bit of a control freak so I bet that she basically didn't care that DP wasn't helping. Then there was a nasty divorce in which she kept the kids from him for about two years. He had just been granted basically 50/50 custody about three mos before we met. He's never had a chance to learn parenting. On top of that his childhood was done with little parenting from HIS parents. So he never had steady parenting then either. We are reading our first parenting books together which is helping.
I am finding that the little steps are easiest for him. I am letting go one thing at a time. Gone: room cleaning, picking up after them, doing laundry not in laundry basket, no linen washing for them unless bed area is clear (months), lunch making for SD11, buying any kind of clothing, planning outings or vacations w/SDs, discussing bathing/cleanliness or current household damage (this will change entirely when we move as my furniture and $ will be involved in more than just a rent payment). I decide to leave the broken blinds up because why should I spend my time doing that? If they fall it's not my issue.
He has been getting better. He's been on top of them for many things in the last couple months. He has some kind of block about being the final line. For instance, SD9 didn't come in when he told her to. She was outside playing and didn't want to stop. He called to her a couple times and gave up. I was like, what was that? DP: she doesn't want to come in. And I don't want to discuss it right now because I know you think it's my fault. Me: yes, I do think that because what else would it be? I let it drop. DP has been more testy lately as I think he realizes I have been withdrawing from assistance. The good thing is he is seeing how hard it is with them. We will be going more talking this weekend I am sure. And more after that.
He practices passive parenting. If they do something wrong he talks with them about it. Sometimes it works. Even really well. Most of the time they nod, say ok daddy, give a hug and walk away. Almost no consequences. They will get away with murder when they are teens.