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nothing going on in the bedroom

countingdownthed@ys's picture

Submitted by countingdownthed@ys on Mon, 11/15/2021 - 4:06pm

Is it just me, or am I not alone here?  I'd love to know.

Ours is an almost sexless relationship. We have sex about once every couple of months and if I had my way it would probably be NOT AT ALL! 

I'm absolutely certain this has to do with resenting being a SM. And my SO not focusing on our relationship.

Would love to hear from others who can relate.

 

 

 

 

Comments

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Mon, 11/15/2021 - 4:30pm

Not in this marriage, but my last one. Funnily enough, that marriage had no kids, and were in our early 20s when getting it on like rabbits should have been the norm.

Being a SM isn't the problem. Being in a relationship where you aren't getting your needs met or where you are incompatible with your partner and/or the relationship is. It's fixable, so long as you can fix the underlying problems leading to lack of sex.

FrustratedandLost's picture

Submitted by FrustratedandLost on Mon, 11/15/2021 - 5:15pm

I don't have the drive to be sexually active with my DH. I had a hysterectomy in 2009 and ever since then, I don't have the desire to be sexually active. In the beginning of our relationship in 2011, I wanted to but as time has gone on, I just don't feel like it. My energy level is not there and I feel tired all the time. Not an excuse but I don't know how to get it back. Does anybody have any suggestions?

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Mon, 11/15/2021 - 5:22pm

Talk to your doctor about hormone replacement therapy. Also look into seeing a sex counselor/therapist who can help identify different ways that you can feel connected and intimate. Finally, be honest with your DH about what is pleasurable to you, even if it's not sex.

I personally am far more likely to enjoy sex if I am fully relaxed, so I have communicated with DH that a good massage after a long bath is a great way to get me in the mood and make me feel energized to participate. He has more energy and want in the mornings. We trade off - quickies before work during the week and longer "relaxation" sessions on weekends.

Cover1W's picture

Submitted by Cover1W on Mon, 11/15/2021 - 8:57pm

Yes, I tell DH that I'm just not going to be in the mood for ANYTHING if I've been running around doing errands all day, plus work, plus cooking plus laundry and then it's 8:00 pm and only then am I sitting down for some breather.  I'm not in the mood. If he wants me more often, and he does, then he needs to help take the burden of work off of me so I can relax and actually, literally at times, let my hair down. Take me out to dinner, cook and clean for me, don't spend over an hour with SD at 9:00 at night discussing something completely irrelevant - I'll for sure be asleep before 10. Don't buy me things buy me experiences...massage, facials, something I can revel in.  I've discussed this with him and he totally gets it, but the doing is harder for him.  Overall tho I'm happy with us.

countingdownthed@ys's picture

Submitted by countingdownthed@ys on Mon, 11/15/2021 - 9:14pm

Hi FrustratedandLost,

I too had a hysterectomy - 20 years ago now. And my sex life has definitely declined over the years. So perhaps that could be part of the reason. I had not thought of this. I too just have absolutely no desire for it. I'm also a very poor sleeper, and often have little energy. 

I'd love to hear others suggestions on this also.

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Tue, 11/16/2021 - 8:08am

I had mine about 2.5 years ago and have noticed a DRASTIC decrease. I used to be a daily person and now 1-2X week is enough. My doctor doesn't want to put me on any hormones and doesn't see the medical need for changes- I think I need a new doctor. I want to want to have a more active sex life with my husband.

Are there other way's in which you are intimate? Sex certainly isn't the only thing to do to be close to your spouse. However, not wanting to be touched by them is a big problem. 

Ispofacto's picture

Submitted by Ispofacto on Tue, 11/16/2021 - 5:12pm

Did they take your ovaries?  I am 51 and have starting having hot flashes and whatnot, and my mojo has declined too.  I think it's part of getting older.

 

shamds's picture

Submitted by shamds on Mon, 11/15/2021 - 5:57pm

Their crap behaviour and treatment towards me and my kids kills off any romance.
 

Even eldest sd23 went banging on our bedroom door like some crazy banshee screaming daddys name whilst we were having sex early morning with our toddlers sleeping in the room at hubbys childhood home. Sd wanted a bag of sugar.

i told hubby that the next time he suggested bringing skids along to any holiday with me and our 2 young kids, he'd never get sex again, his daughters wiuld be sure to prevent it and he would get divorce papers soon after as i refuse to tolerate this.

My husband has a thing where no kid of his will ever interfere in his sex life or bedroom matters. When he realised that they're doing exactly this, they don't come on our holidays or trips or are around us.

i have no met, seen or communicated with skids over 3 yrs now and same with my kids

Booqueen's picture

Submitted by Booqueen on Mon, 11/15/2021 - 11:17pm

We didn't have a sex life. It was non-existent because my (now ex-)SO just didn't feel like it. She told me it was her hormones, that it wasn't me. Said she just didn't feel like it and had flatlined. In my case, I wanted it whereas she didn't, so I just adapted and went without for close to 6 months before we finally split.

anyway, it is a common thing, and I would say that though I spoke to her about it in the early days when it tapered off to once every two to three months (before eventually going for close to 6 months), I gave up. It was stressful for me being a SM then, and we never had any alone time either, so I stopped asking her. Do you get any alone time with your SO to bond as a couple so you can get the feels back again?