Counting down the days
I cannot wait until my skids leave home. I wish it was tomorrow. Sometimes I ask myself, why did I get myself into this situation. I love my partner very much but did not know at the beginning of course how I would come to feel about being a step mum.
I cannot stand my SD12. She doesn't speak to me, doesn't even look at me. She has absolutely no respect for me. She's a lazy, sneaky, dirty, and a lying little cow and I wish she would hurry up and grow up and get the F out of my house. I hope one day she chooses to go live with her mum. She can go. I don't care. I'd love that.
It's wierd cause SD was 4 when I first met her and for the first few years I thought she was so cute and adorable and such a good girl. Oh, but now - totally different story.
My SS15 is okay. But ironically I disliked him with a passion when I first me him at 7 years old. He thought the world should revolve around him and was always having tantrums and feeling so agrieved by everyone. But he is growing up to be quite a nice young man, so he can stay, for now, haha. ...But I still want him to get the F out of my house too. Don't get me wrong.
My own kids are all grown up, so it's just me and my SO and his two kids (SD12 and SS15) that we have on a 50/50 basis with their mum. I often feel that's its them against me. Three against one. I hate it so much that I am starting to resent my SO. He will often side with his kids or undermine me in front of them. It's driving me crazy. Wine is my only friend in this situation. I have no friends or family members going through this. Nobody I know is a step mum. So I need all the advise and support I can get on here.
I'd love to hear from any memebers who can relate.
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Comments
"He will often side with his
"He will often side with his kids or undermine me in front of them."
This is your real problem. Stepkids will be around for as long as you stay with him, and adult ones can make your life miserable too, with a partner who does the above.
Oh YES!!!
Adult skids are worse than a child with a guilty daddio.
OP your DH needs to address SD12 on how she needs to respect you. You are helping provide for her, feed her, clean up after her etc. That deserves respect . SD doesnt because daddio doesnt respect you if he lets this happen unpunished and not addressed. The worst thing he can do he is doing. Undermining you in front of them shows the skids who is top dog. It aint you kind lady.
Good luck and blessings
I hear you. I know what I'm
I hear you. I know what I'm in for as I have three grown children of my own. And they have all been trying at times, in different ways. I have been a mum/step-mum now for the past 32 years, since my first was born and I'm just so over it!
Welcome to Steptalk!
I think we can all relate on many different levels on many different topics and issues.
One of the things you mentioned that is very common is the "them against you" that happens. This is VERY common and very isolating. Have you tried discussing this with your partner? Thats where I would begin. And his undermining of you and not having your back with the children is also VERY common and should be addressed as soon as you can manage it. Its very toxic. The bio parent needs to be a united team and parent the children WITH you, because you are another adult in the household. Many times bio parents who are separated parent out of fear of the high conflict bio parent. Read other's posts and comments.
There is the "Disney Dad" who always wants his kids to have a fun visit so he wont parent them because he wants to be their favorite. There is the "Guilty Dad" who parents out of guilt (or doesnt parent because he feels guilty for the divorce happening.)
THEN you potentially have the mini-wives or daughter-wives whereby the daughters think they can dictate the household, rules do not apply to them, and they should be at the center of daddys universe, so they become agressive towards anyone that comes into daddys life. They act like the spouse and make you feel like you are just the side piece bed warmer mistress.
All kinds of fun conflict. What is boils down to always is that your partner isnt parenting and your partner doesnt have your back and undermines your authority.
After trying to speak with him (not in front of children), you can do 2 things:
1. When you assert your rightful authority and he undermines you - you call it out directly. When bratty SD12 doesnt acknowledge you in your own home, you call it out directly and calmly "Hello Sd12 how are are you today? Hello - I am speaking to you."
2. You completely disengage. You do not cook, clean, help, pay for anything to do with Skids. You make plans to do other things without them. SO wants to undermine you with them in front of them? Well, then he gets full responsibility for them. Period.
So - again, start by reading on here, and then have a big heart to heart with SO.
Oh I have tried discussing
Oh I have tried discussing this with my SO, believe me. He seems on board at the time and says he will back me. But he quickly reverts back to the softly spoken dad that will pander to his daughter's every whim. It makes me sick.
He's just so soft on her. I think he's affraid she will not love him and will favour her mother more.
Ok,
So you will disengage.
See item #2, and if you need more details let me know.
Your SO is a tool if he is
Your SO is a tool if he is allowing his SD to be disrespectful to you and even sides with her when she is disrespectful.
Agree
Agree
So what do you want to do
So what do you want to do about that? He hasn't been willing so far to stand up for you. Is this a dealbreaker to you, or do you want to find some way to tolerate the disrespect for at least 6 years until the disrespect leaves your home and continues on holidays only?
I often feel that's its them
I often feel that's its them against me. Three against one. I hate it so much that I am starting to resent my SO. He will often side with his kids or undermine me in front of them. It's driving me crazy. Wine is my only friend in this situation.
Three against one?! Why are you with this sorry excuse for a man? Your relationship is not a partnership. It's a jerk and his minions. Your 'SO' needs to be an adult and parent his children; not gang up on his parnter.
And as much as I love wine, it is not the answer. One answer is your 'SO' being an adult and parenting his children, not ganging up with his little bullies-in-the-making on his partner. Another answer is to refuse to be treated so shabbily, tell him to suck eggs, and leave. Love yourself more.
You're right. Wine is not the
You're right. Wine is not the answer. But it's been my best-friend for years now and that's not gonna change any time soon.
I can relate 1000% percent!!!
I can relate 1000% percent!!! I met SD when she was 9 and I feel like I went through the same stages as you: First I truly liked her, Then my feelings of rage appeared (around the age of 12). and they have only stopped being so bad within the past year. It was like the second she turned 16 things got soooo much better! I stil enjoy the days she is not here sooo much more than when she is but now that she is drving she is coming and going more and so its not as bad as when DH would get her at 3 on Friday and she didnt leave the house till school on Monday morning.
" Wine is my only friend in this situation. I have no friends or family members going through this. Nobody I know is a step mum." If I had known 7 years ago what steplife was like I would have invested in a winery!!!!!!
All I can say is that for me things got better as she got older. I will say though that I was very strict on "house rules". SD has never been messy. That to me would send me over the edge becuase I am an OCD neat freak! And DH was very strict onher being polite. For me the reality is I hate when she is here simpy becuase I hate how DH changes. He becomes cold and distant.
Hopefully for you the years will fly by likethey have for me. SD is 17 and graduating highschool this year. It feels like yesterday she was 12...
I can relate to the OCD! I
I can relate to the OCD! I cannot stand all the finger marks on the fridge door, and the bathroom mirror. OMG, it drives me insane. As soon as they leave I go through a ritual wereby I shut their bedroom doors, the hallway door that leads to their rooms. I then wipe down all the surfaces in the kitchen where there sticky fingers have been and make things all nice again for me. I get rid of any reminder of them and secretly wish they would never return again.