Little Missy CPS aka "work things out incentive question"
Little Miss Powersulk CPS, cried and stayed home from school today, and now daddy cakes is going to swoop in and rescue her from big bad toxic troll baby momma.
Why? You arent asking, but I did, just because I am involved via paying mortgage, and here goes:
Feral Forger Sd24 who rents a room in a house nearby, has been going to new Beach Apartment and eating all the food and leaving a mess and poor little power sulk cps is being blamed for being messy.
I texted husband: "I suggest you not get in the middle of this or it will not go well for you. Since CPS threat my sympathy is close to non existent, so I feel that they should work it out themselves".
He texted back : "doesnt matter Im getting power sulk".
Then he texted "let me worry about this, you dont need to worry about it..."
My reply: "you dont get accused of harrassment, so you dont actually wory".
him: "nope".
Im so tempted to say this:
Well, you should worry, because guess whos not living full time parttime or any time with us (insert screen cap of countdown app with saved countdown SD17 powersulk visitation ends in 264 days".)
It supposed to be toxic trolls week, and already its not starting well.
My only question bubbling to surface is: should I give her a taste of living with us full time to give her "incentive" to work things out with the TTroll? Like asking her to cook dinner for us one night, like having her vaccume the house, clean the bathroom she uses, do some dusting and counter cleaning? Folding of towels? Water the plants? Stuff she has NEVER EVER done before??????
All unpaid of course.
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If DH's plan is to get full
If DH's plan is to get full custody of PS CPS without consulting you, that is wrong. If he is adamant, I would be making plans to reside elsewhere for the 264 days until she ages out. Not fair that PS CPS gets to make accusations towards you and you have to just have to accept it while she lives under your roof.
Feel like
Printing a sheet with "child protective services phone number xyz" and taping it to her door, and then telling her "oh yeah, you want to call CPS, THERES the number, have at it". However I know from personal experience, she would up the ante, probs make something up or threaten to run away, and it would end up an argument with husband.
I also really want to tell her "oh yeah and I bought some nanny cams for the household, motion sensored only, of course".
If you haven't bought the
If you haven't bought the cameras, you should and you should 100% tell her!!
SS18 tried the "abuse" shit once in court, our lawyer shut it down so fast and not even her attorney touched it- but that was so eye opening on how far BM would go and he would go along with it. So, cameras were waiting for us when we got home and the first 5 mins in our house for his next visit he was told and I NEVER heard another word about "abuse". I told him that he better have a date and time next time he says something stupid!
Our BM tried to accuse us of
Our BM tried to accuse us of physically abusing SS with NERF bullets in 2021. It was about 6 months after court wrapped up. During our court battle, the judge asked BM if DH was abusive and BM said "No." So the judge told BM that based on that she had no right to know what happens during our parenting time, unless there are concerns of abuse. We know that BM's allegations were solely to circumvent the judge's point and try to meddle in our visitation. We dealt with BM directly and requested a sit down with her and SS to discuss it if SS was making false allegations. BM refused, not wanting to "gang up" on SS. DH questioned SS about it separately and it was clear he had never said anything to BM and her allegations were completely fabricated by her, without ever mentioning it to SS. SS couldn't make up the look of pure confusion he had on his face. It was the first time he had ever heard about it.
Our attorney had advised us to get cameras during the custody battle so we had them on hand. We popped them up right after that visit. The next visit, SS was talking to BM on the phone and told BM that we have cameras in the house to "monitor the pets." Once BM realized there was video evidence, she never accused us of a damn thing again. Now, we have cameras all over the outside of our house (not step life related) so I assume BM thinks we have them inside too, which we don't anymore.
Not only tell her about cameras, install them... NOW!!!!!
Please. For your own good and to shut PS and DH up for the next 2XX days.
Can He make it without your
Can He make it without your money? Because that is where you need to hit him. In his wallet.
maybe
maybe - he makes more than me now with new job. has great bennies too, doesnt need mine. same amount of credit card debt.
our mortgage is 1,600/monthly. It would cut into his fishing trips but thats it...might hurt a little because thats an extra 1k monthly and 350 for bills...
treat her like she isn't
treat her like she isn't there. Cook for two, no rides, no perks, no anything.
it will be difficult, very difficult but you need to not jump into this at all. No rides, no shopping, no anything, no supplies, no school help, no smiles, no conversations, no asking her if she's okay.
She is there but she isn't.. Let. Him. Handle. It. All.
ok. So no giving any incentive to...do anything
But she wont want to work things out with Toxic Troll. She will get gourmet meals, sit in her room, do nothing, no chores, same as any day.
But yeah, no matter what I DO, Im better off NOT doing. As tempting as it is to do "burning platform".TM Rags.
Do you do most of the gourmet
Do you do most of the gourmet cooking? If so, STAWP GIRL. Cook for one - YOU!
Typically...
Typically its either one of us or together (he does meat and I do veggies) I pay equally into the food in the fridge, sometimes pay more.
When she pulled her freshman year harrassment crap I stopped cooking when she was with us...
I agree with AgedOut.
Do not forget the cameras. That locks in accountability for PS to behave. and allows you to contail DH's delusional gusto Audio, video and motion activated. Cover every square foot of the home and the outside... except inside your BR, PS's BR, and the bathrooms. Make sure that the approaches to her BR, your BR, and the bathrooks are covered. GIve her/them no wiggle room. Once she ages out. Keep the cameras in place and activate them any time she or FF show up.
Take care of you.
2xx days to go. You and DH have started some progress in empty nester quality of life. Do not let his Skid worshipping/rescue backsliding progress to the point it is a detriment to the progress you are driving.
Take no prisoners CLove.
Do not give her chores. This
Do not give her chores. This has been an issue already. If she makes a mess, tell your H to clean it up.
YES.
Thank you.
But now I WANT it to be an issue - for her. So she will run crying to momma. I am now willing to be the "mean ol stepmonster". They can bond over hating me!
Ok, will take advice.
it will backfire on you.
it will backfire on you. Daddy has stars in his eyes right now. He wants to be her hero and if you do/say/try anything he will put it all on you.
stars in his eyes
yep. Totally. It makes me sick to my stomach.
And absolutely none of this would be an issue if only THEY HAD PARENTED!!!!
He is always SOMEONES hero.
Never yours. Those stars
Never yours. Those stars will disappear when you make it such a PITA to have her around. That's why he has to be made responsible for cleaning up after her, you are only following his directions by not taking it up with her. Cramp his fishing trips too. From your years long saga on here , I get the impression he hates to have to do the hard stuff, takes the easy way out . When it comes to relationships, he skirts. He gives the least amount of effort in that area. You suffer, skids suffer. So he is financially successful. So what? He doesn't need you for that so what DOES he need you for? Punching bag? A person to blame? Sex? Scapegoat? This just another cycle of drama in your story. It's a merry go round. What makes you think this time will be any different ?
So powersulk moves back in. (My bet is she will) then where does that leave you?
We are temporary
I know her allegiance lies mostly with her mother and mothers apartment in Beach Town. I dont doubt she will want to be there full time.
Its the temporary chit thats getting to me. Why do I have to take on extra weeks so she can have "space" from the person she will be living with full time.
I wonder if nows the time to have "the visitation ending what are the plans" talk.
No, now is not the time for that talk.
No, now is not the time for that talk. Too many things can change. Quit looking for more problems. Right now, you need to deal with her moving in. My advice is to disengage - completely. Make small talk with her, and that is all. If DH wants your opinion on anything, do not provide it. You need to take another step back. You know, in your heart, what will happen if you become involved in any way. You don't need to teach her a lesson, because it won't take. Just stay out of all of it.
We say "hey"
And thats pretty much it. Its acknowledgement. Thats the bare minimum I require, and its being met.
Im not ready for small talk.
He told me details that I will share last night and I made no opinion.
Well, if SHE needs space from
Well, if SHE needs space from Beachtown drama and lands on your doorstep, maybe YOU need space from PSCPS and your DH.
Stay on the disengagement train. Do not assign chores, or cooking, or anything. This is ALL your DH. And I would be sure to never be alone with her, which will really cramp his style. He goes fishing? She goes with him.
Or, you take a "break" at a nice hotel with spa services.
Away
I spent all weekend last at the beach. So I am getting really good at staying busy.
What DOES he need me for
what DOES he need you for? Punching bag? A person to blame? Sex? Scapegoat?
YES. Pretty much all the above. He tells me he is "content" with things. Hes got a cheap place to park himself, his kid, his cars and his boats.
He will not parent. He refuses to parent. He is in the because of that. Simple.
Im taking myself out of the equation slowly but certainly.
I'm sorry, your husband is
I'm sorry, your husband is putting you in a tough place.... I guess it boils down to what do you want and what is your husband going to do? I know you don't want PS living with you (don't blame you one bit!). Has your husband given you his word that will never happen?
Are you ok with PS visiting inside your home? (Again no judgement there if the answer is no after the CPS nightmare) Would your husband be ok with visiting her outside the home?
These are in my opinion the essential questions for both of you to answer and then once you have the answers... atleast you'll know where you stand and if this relationship is going to work for you.
My Questions Too...
Unfortunately I know some of the answers and I dont like them.
what do you want and what is your husband going to do?
What I want is peace, harmony and a good solid partnership. What husband will do is NOT have my back during ANY conflict with Powersulk. What my husband will do is go into his typial modes: Frustration, irritation, rage, if I bring anything up about the "situation" with Powersulk.
Husbands word, is that if I dont want it to happen again, Id better not "cause it" to happen again. Do not engage with Powersulk and she will not engage with me. However I am seeing the cycle for what it is.
If he doesn't want you to
If he doesn't want you to engage with PowerSulk, then it's time she stopped coming over and he started to see her elsewhere - that should stop "it" from happening again.
Your DuH sounds like a bundle of laughs (not).
NO
Sorry I haven't been around much but cLove, just STOP.
PS relationship with TT or FF is not your responsibility. The disfuntion is to deep for you to fix.
Stop trying. Disengage. PS made their own bed when they threatened CPS. So if they don't like it at TT - tell her she can call CPS.
Though I guess after 18, which is soon, even CPS won't care. Oh well.
Howdy.
Im not wanting or trying to get in the middle. I am trying to advise husband to not get in the middle of TT, FF and PS. He didnt listen, anyway. So now Im just distant from everything.
Im seeing a trend - Power Sulk finds ways to up the ante and be agressive and still look like the victim. Ill share in a separate post.
But yes, after 18 no more CPS but she knows about restraining orders. Ive learned about them too. Shes seen her sister manufacture new and different truths, and learned how to do the same, so CPS can quickly turn into RO and PD.
Restraining Orders
1. Let PS do it. She would have to stay away from you, since they can't make you vacate your home. So, do it PS. It would backfire in a big way on her.
2. Restraining Orders work both ways. You have harassment grounds to file one against her once she is 18.
You are not powerless. Think about it.
Best luck and you can survive this, lady!
Don't ask, tell her.
In front of Daddy, tell PSCPS to plan, shop, cook, serve, and clead the kitchen. Any time leaves one thing out of place, rub her nose in it in front of Daddy. If daddy whines, tell him he raised it, if it will not step up, then he will have to because his priority is his wife and his marriage, not his near adult failed family spawn.
Lather.... rinse.... repeat.
Point out that PSCPS has separated from Daddy and visitation. Point out that it is on her to figure out how to navigate living in TT's shit show dream beach apartment.
Also.... lather.... rinse.... repeat.
Ive decided to simply remove my presence
While I consider things.
Ill share more of the story in a separate post.
Ive decided to NOT push the chore thing, until Im ready for a fight. Because I fight it will be. I will either tell Powersulk about chores, expect them to happen, they might or wont then what? I talk and what then? I do not have backup from my partner in any conflict with power sulk.
Ive pointed out that we need to be a team = brick wall.
Its making me less and less attracted to husband which is part of my decision to leave...at some point I have to make that decision...
No don't do it.
No don't do it.
Even though you think Powersulk should do chores if she landed over there full time the Disneyland dad would veto your decision, you'll be feeling miserable as hell, AND that joker WILL finesse her way into staying full time .... indefinitely
If your DH is not on the same page as you your plan will backfire
Dont even open the Pandora's box
And didn't you say you pay the mortgage? If so, Then the answer should be simple. "Hell to the Mfing naw!" ...Ijs
I pay half
I pay half of all household expenses: mortgage, prop tax, insurance, utilities, the mowing of grass. Internet. Food.
Cocktails. I sometimes pay a little more but its been pretty even.
But yes you are correct - any conflict with powersulk he does not have my back at all. In fact he tells me I bring it on myself with the way I interact with her.
Well, some new information has come up.
Time to become the ice queen.
Time to become the ice queen. Limit your responses to "yes", "no", and "ask your dad". Do not look at her, look THROUGH her. Let her father cook for her. Turn the WiFi off at nine.
The definition of insanity
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting to get different results. The way things work with your DuH, if you insert yourself in any way into what is happening with his daughter you will be blamed. So stay out of everything! Don't comment, don't make assides and don't try to fix her behaviour. As Winterglow says be the ice queen and refer everythign to dad.
Also put a rubber band around your wrist and ping yourself everytime you are even tempted to insert yourself into the dynamics. Remind yourself that it has never worked in the past and won't work now.Try being a grey rock (so uninteresting) and let the dynamics play out between PS and DuH.
Finally, book out your social calendar to the max. Be out having fun at in the evening and weekends so that DuH has to manage his own child. Even if you are saving money, you can go for some really long hikes. Or get a weekend second job in an area that interests you - music, art, etc. Triple win - some money, get some hands on experience in a passion field and get away from the toxic dynamics at home.
Bluntly Clove.. and I have
Bluntly Clove.. and I have the best of hopes for your future.. What is YOUR end game here?
Are you biding time until you leave him?
Are you living under the (hahahah) assumption that when she is 18 she won't be staying with you and your issue (or at least that one).. will be resolved?
I know you have vascillated on this.. leaving.. staying till she is 18 etc.. but in the end.. your DH takes the side against you every single time. He does not have your interests at heart.. he doesn't treat you well.. even when it comes to non skid issues.. are you really committed to staying?
Biding my time
Yes. and No. Committed for short term I dont know about long term.
Then I would 100% disengage..
Then I would 100% disengage.. as long as your resources are not impacted.. ie money. stop worrying about her learning lessons..
I just want you to protect
I just want you to protect yourself in all of this. You aren't going to win anything with your DH right now. That is clear, he has made his point. Anything you try to put on PSCPS will only bite you and make your life harder.
I agree with the others who said just live your life for you. Cook for one, plan for one, shop for one, everything for you. He told you not to concern yourself so you are just respecting his wishes and allowing him to handle everything for the 2 of them right now. Let you know when life goes back to normal. Leave it at that.
If any cleaning due to either of them come up- demand he handles it.
ups the Antes
Yes, its always been a struggle. There is no winning. If I do anything or say anything she doesnt like = power sulk mode (I get blamed), if there is any comflict, she will up the ante (and I get blamed).
Hense why.... CAMERAS
Get em!!!