The Communication Talk
Is that a double negative? LOL. I had a talk with DH last night.
Basically hammering home the point that I need communication. I need to be included in things that have to do with SD15 Backstabber.
Situation:
School started yesterday (Wednesday), and thats typically our "changeover day" that was started last school year because thats what Backstabber wanted.
I had discussed with DH that he needed to arrange it immediately so that she starts a more sane schedule Sunday-sunday or Monday-Monday. He had agreed. I checked in a few times. Id made plans for this Saturday for us and we would be gone most of the day. I didnt want to worry about her...didnt want him to be worrying about it either.
Then when Wednesday evening happened he suddenly changed his mind, without mentioning anything to me. I asked when Backstabber was with us, he said tomorrow night (Thursday) I said "why" and he said "why what?" Basically "whats it to you?"
I said here is why what:
1. For 7 years Ive not been considered or consulted with ANYTHING to do with skids, ever. Not once (may there was a time but its since faded into oblivion) and I do need to be considered because its my household and it affects me when her schedule changes.
2. I need to know because I thought we had agreed and now its still the same...and what happened there...?
3. I make a hundred little adjustments when she is with us, many he doesnt notice, but one of them is I sometimes walk around the house naked and now I cant do that. Many others I mentioned such as I shop differently, and do many things differently, too many to list.
His assertion is that he needs to adjust to new schedule himself, and he cant trust that Toxic Troll will be timely, he needs to see how things will go. Ok, so I can understand that, just communicate like you are right now. I understand adjusting to new schedule and the fact is that TT hasnt worked a regular job in over 2 years, and things are in transition right now.
So, Communication folks. We communicated. And Backstabber went to a friends for a sleepover without a toothbrush (she never brushes anyway) and change in clothes and unvaccinated. Oh well, not my monkey!
Then I see her text to him about claiming kiddo and are we getting advance payments. And that she is claiming head of household and I just went ballistic inside. WTF. Where is the communication? I need to know this stuff.
Luckily I already opted out a long time ago.
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A schedule that puts the
A schedule that puts the change in the middle of the school week makes no sense from an academic point of view. It's just a means for a kid to say what is needed is at the house they are not at. Friday after school, Monday before school transfers, yield less 'other house' excuses. Plus each house gets a full weekend to themself.
Hope you find something fun to do by yourself Saturday while he entertains Backstabber.
Sadly, even though he listened, I doubt he actually heard and internalized what you said.
Its a date night
He seems ok with leaving her alone for a few hours...
So Ill just proceed with the plans as is, and let him do whatever scrambling he needs to do to accomodate her presence.
General question for you to
General question for you to chew on CLove:
Why is it that when SD15 lied about you once and acted like an idiot teenager, she gets branded as "backstabber"...
...but when your husband lies or "omits" information, gaslights you, yells at you, etc he gets a namecalling pass?
To your specific point, aside from not being naked around a minor, don't make the hundred other little changes just because she is there. If y'all don't have enough food for dinner, your DH can go to the store. Unless it's illegal, be you around her.
Shes lied about something major. And backstabbed numerous times.
Thats why.
Her current nickname is a result of many past occurrences where she has backstabbed me, specifically with her mother, this time with both her mother AND her father as well. Shes a turncoat, who does this for her own reasons. She knows and comments that her mother is "crazy", that her mother "gets angry", she knows the vicous behavior, yet she still continues to do it, since she is 11.
And Dh doesnt get a free pass, he gets to hear about it all the time. But he doesnt get a nickname because im married to the guy, as well as he helps me in a great many ways. A great many ways he contributes positively to my life.
Oh, and oddly enough, DH was telling me that I can be naked around her (like running to the kitchen or living room when shes in her room) as long as it isnt gross. "her mother does it all the time!" and all that. He just didnt get that its different when its a non-bio woman...
I unconciously do the adjustments. I modify things, and mainly without really thinking of it. Plus the resentment that I continue to harbor for unresolved issues.
I wasn't sure how to respond
I wasn't sure how to respond to this yesterday, but today is a new day!
SD has grown up around toxicity from BOTH parents. TT has taught her that acting like a manipulative brat will get her what she wants. You and DH reinforced that behavior. Yes, you too. Didn't you just recently help FF with her taxes? Why on God's green earth would you do that for someone? Because their tactics work. Doesn't matter if they hurt you, make you feel guilty, etc. So long as they get what they want, they don't care.
You're seeing the light, which is good. Your DH...not so much. Things are only quiet right now because less is being asked of him. But as soon as you speak up about something, he either yells, pretends he "needs time", or in some other way manipulates the situation to his advantage.
You heard that right: he does the same sh*t as Tt, just to a less toxic/disruptive degree. The reason you don't get as much blowback from it is because you generally get along with him and have less to disagree on. However, when you do disagree, you get met with anger, lies/omissions, and feigning ignorance.
Perhaps what he gives you outweighs the negatives. Fair enough. But you seem to expect far more emotional maturity from a teenager who has been raised by toxic parents and a toxic sister than you do your own husband, and he's the one who actually owes it to you.
I'm not saying SD's behavior is acceptable. It's just expected when you add up all the pieces. Instead of doing anything about it, your DH just lets it continue then blows up on you when you push too hard against behavior that is both hurtful to you and SD.
You can allow the material things, trip together, amd date nights outweigh the poor qualities of your DH. However, don't just ignore his crappy qualities and give it a pass because he's your husband. That's how people end up in toxic/abusive relationships for years on end. Denial is a powerful thing, and manipulative people know how to wield that over others. Don't get so hyperfocused on SD's failings that you ignore your DH's in these situations.
OK, fair enough!
So what should his new name be? Her new name?
Part of our communications was that he doesnt really know how to improve his communication, and admitted as much. Hes been improving his gaslighting and pushback. Ive seen much improvements over the past few weeks.
One thing that should be considered also is that when he attempts to parent SD B/M - she pushes back by activating her mother. It always goes much better when he doesnt this at our house. Because its verbal not texting and she cant just screenshot texts.
Ive been reading up on co dependancy lately, so I am definitely a major enabler. Probably out of guilt. On some level I feel guilty for not allowing Feral Forger to live with us again as she was begging and crying. I know I also enable Backstabber, took the turncoat on a trip, took her snorkeling and lunch and dinner. Doesnt matter why, after what shes done, I should have pulled completely out and away.
Yes, DH and I need couples therapy so that he can learn communication skills. I cannot push anymore, I am done pushing.
And, oddly enough, I think about his failings ALL the time. Have considered separation a LOT. Over the years. Im not ready to make that step.
I'm always a fan of DuH. Or
I'm always a fan of DuH. Or AH. Toxic Doofus? Fearful Husband? Give me some time and I'm sure something will pop into my brain.
But the point isn't to come up with a negative name for your DH. The point is understanding the hypocrisy of what you're expecting. SD acts like a poorly-parented teenager and gets your wrath. Heck, what she did wasn't even in the top 10 horrible things a teen can do. It was sucky behavior for certain, and should be met with your ire.
However, it seems like you took ALL the negative emotions you had from that situation and planted them squarely onto her. She certainly had her part...but so did your DH. The situation was made worse because he reacted out of fear, co-dependency, lack of emotional intelligence - whatever. Yet she's the only one who ends up with being name-called, disengaged with, and seen as a "turncoat". It's like you've given your DH a free pass, aside from some light bickering with him to do better.
Until your DH addresses his own issues, SD doesn't have any hope of not being a manipulative brat forever. And your DH's excuses that he "doesn't know what to do" are BS. He has access to Google, and I bet typing "how to become a better communicator" would give him multiple results. Are you telling me he isn't smart enough to use Google? To visit a library for books on communication? To ask his doctor for a referral? Hell, to ask you to help him in his search?
No, he's not stupid; he's just not motivated because there is no consequence for him not doing anything. SD will turn into FF and TT, and he has a "roll over and play dead" approach with them, so her becoming a failure is not a big deal. In fact, it's probably preferred because he doesn't have the capacity to handle her any other way. You give him pass after pass for his crap behavior, and your disengagement from SD just makes her fail faster, so no real struggle there, either. You've already admitted you don't want to leave, and you won't/can't make life more difficult, so where is the incentive?
CLove, stop expecting less out of other people that YOU CHOOSE to keep in your life than you expect from yourself. You recognize that you are co-dependent and have boundary issues as a SM, and what did you do? You found help! You found resources! You asked questions! You're actively TRYING to get better and improve your life. Why is his excuse that he "doesn't know" work for you? Why do you accept that?
Couples counseling to learn how to communicate would be great PROVIDED that he's willing to put in the effort to learn to communicate better together, not just you learning how to communicate to him. Because what I keep seeing is you twisting and bending into pretzels to meet him wherever he's at, to your own detriment, and he's just allowing it. Quit that sh*t.
Clove, I have the same
Clove, I have the same problem, I am never (well 98% of the time) consulted about when YSD is here even if it's just to be aware of it ahead of time. Usually DH announces her arrival/change of plans the day of or the day before. I have learned that getting involved and asking questions does nothing to help - zeeeeero help.
So I stopped asking. You need to stop.
We have only one car and pretty much no public transporation here. So this lack of communication does effect me. I put my schedule on the kitchen calendar where EVERYONE can see it. I put things on there weeks/months ahead of time so there's no question as to what my plans are. I do NOT ever ask DH if he minds if I do something.
If DH does not pay attention to the calendar and double books time/the car that's his problem. It's my car, not his, and if he cannot communicate schedules that's not my issue.
Tired
Tired of having to always dig. You all are spot on - I need to totally stop asking questions and digging for information. I told him last night and this morning that he need to learn how to communicate and tell me stuff. For example the tax thing. He knew about that on Monday/Tuesdy...Im like hey this affects our tax filing situation, I do the taxes so I need to know this stuff.
I'll dig and engage him if it
I'll dig and engage him if it's a personal thing that involves the two of us, like taxes. I don't ever let him off the hook for that stuff.
But SDs, stay a mile away from asking/commenting/hoping for good info.
I say this will all the
I say this will all the affection in the world -- you are having a really, really hard time accepting your own disengagement. Other than not walking around naked when she is there, nothing in your world should be changing. Not the shopping, not the cleaning, not your own schedule, nothing. If you're still making a hundred changes due to her presence, you need to work more on your own disengagement.
I do agree with your basic premise that changes in the middle of the week are disruptive for everyone, and you need advance notice of when she will be there. Your DH isn't likely to change though, and this has been going on for a long time. Stew over being right if you'd like, but isn't your energy better spent moving on with the part of your life that doesn't revolve around DH and his child?
And here I was...
Patting myself on the back at my level of disengagement whereby I am starting a major project, and making plans with my friends...not putting any time/energy/money into SD15. Just focusing on my marriage. Point taken!
Ill have to make a bigger point of not being at all affected with SD visitation schedule.
If she is with dad 50% then
If she is with dad 50% then it's not visitations but is her home. Half the time but still her home. Since she lives whth you 50% you don't need to change anything. Just live your life.
Walking around naked is a luxury. You can still do it in your bedroom. Most people don't walk around the whole house naked (unless they live in nudist community) because then they can't ever open up blinds or curtains as most people have neighbors.
as about DH. It sounds like you always the one making plans. With him or with SD etc Stop planning for them. Plan your own things and see if DH is going to make plans for the family or with you etc Stop doing it all. Find more things for yourself. If he wants to join, fine. If not go on your own
This is making me have
This is making me have physical pain remembering the fights with my husband over this stuff. Our last worst fight I made my husband only have now AdultSkid (before AdultSkid was an adult) in our home when my husband was also home. My husband also equates me, his long suffering wife with AdultSkid, "you guys don't get along." Really, husband? Your kid makes my life a living hell because skid's personality is just like BMs and it's my fault I "don't get along" with skid? It's disgusting.
Copy that!!
Yep makes me nauseous how long Chef would timidly ask "how high?" when the Girhippo shouted "JUMP!!!"
All of his excuses, "he needs
All of his excuses, "he needs to adjust to new schedule himself, and he cant trust that Toxic Troll will be timely, he needs to see how things will go", are just that, excuses.
He is afraid of BM.
I do get the fear of a high conflict BM... in the beginning. But, it's been how many years, now? How many years since they split? How many years that he's been with you (who should be his priority)? And he still lets her run his life.
In the beginning of these relationships, we are the understanding girlfriends. We understand that some things need to be kept under wraps and not advertised, we understand not poking the bear, we get that we are new on the scene and can't tell him how to handle things, but there comes a point where a switch need to be made. At some point, she needs to be nothing but the background noise.
It is very freeing to finally just say, "It's going to be what it's going to be, but she's not going to keep holding things (CS) over our heads". I mean, there is only so much that she can do and so much that she can get.
Turns out, nothing drastic happened, in our case. In fact, DH took her to court for contempt over taxes (which she never thought he would) and it actually seemed to mellow her out. She realized that he was willing to stand up to her, that she didn't have any hold on him. I'm not saying it was a breeze from there on out, but DH stuck to his guns every single time she tried to bully him. I think it got less fun for her.
The most surprising thing was, that BM did not put in for CS modification every 3 years, as is allowed in our state. So sometimes, the thing that you dread never actually happens. When she did finally request it, it was denied!
I get that you don't want to push him to stand up to BM but you are getting a raw deal, here. This is not just his life that he is letting her control.
You talk about SD betraying you, but so is your husband.
The monster you know
Vs the monster you imagine.
I tend to think hes just waiting until SD is with us. Things always tend to go bad when he tries to "parent" kid during toxic Troll visitation. ALWAYS.