“1. SD16 B/M doesn’t do visitation outside of her room. She ONLY comes out for bathroom breaks and food. Which is happening later and later. Is this a problem or is this normal?”

Not necessarily, my BS was very much an in his room kid, he hardly ever came out and joined us or did anything with us.  When he does grace us with his presence it’s like “WTF did the internet go down?”  My BD spends most of her time between me and DH, she will gravitate to whatever room we are in and hang out, she does hang out in her room alone online but not much.  Spawn was never in her room, but then she couldn’t be spying and hogging the t.v. all day.

“2. When she does come out, for food, she comes out at 10:30 11 pm. If its leftovers or something husband cooks that’s one thing, but lately it’s been bothering me when I cook. It’s pretty much grab what you want, no thank you, and then off again.”

We aren’t too big on family sit down dinners anymore, mostly because we all have schedules that are different or different after school/work activates.  It used to bother me that I would cook something and nobody else would eat it, but now I just cook something and if I’m the only one then fine, they can all fend for themselves and I have lunch for the next few days.  I know it’s hard not to be bothered by that it hurts my feelings too.  Eating that late at night for me isn’t good, but my kids sometimes get up in the middle of the night and get snacks, it doesn’t bother me they do that as long as they clean up after themselves.

1 - no that's not unusual.  Even if she came out of her room, she wouldn't be engaging with you.  As with most kids her age she would be on her phone/tablet.  Kids from 5-25 are very very wired to their electronic devices.  Just as teenagers of years ago were on the phone for as long as their parents would tolerate it, talking to the same kids they just saw at school.  And at her age I was tucked in my room listening to records or reading books (or studying).  The troll age of the teenager is not unusual.

2- for ME, this is where I drew the line.  We ate as a family.  Unless there was a sports activity, or a school even that occured out of the house, we all left our activities (and our electronic devices!) aside for one hour and we ate as a family.  Then we (as a family, or each person had a day) cleaned up the kitchen.  At the end of those two events the kids were often engaged enough to watch a tv show together or linger for a chat.  If I hadn't pulled them out of their rooms and made them put down their devices they wouldn't have volunteered.  For me, that was a hill to die on.  You could phrase it as you know she has a lot on her plate and as she's growing up she has her own activities, but her Dad wants to spend some time with her, and she has to eat sometime.  But you have to have DH's support, and HE has to agree to table time too!

DH and I have our bio DD22 together and we have a policy of no cooking after 9 and since our master bedroom is near the kitchen and since we go to bed at 9:40, the kitchen is closed once DH and I head to our bedrooms. There have been times in the past that DD has scrambled towards the kitchen at 9:30 to get what she wants and then she would get the hell out. 

We started cooking sepearately when DD was 15 because I'm plant-based, DD became a vegan vejunketarian and DH has no values around nutrition at all. We eat very differently from one another, so since we cook differently and DH doesn't cook at all, there was no opportunity for DD to turn her nose up at my food. She was on her own. Now we cook together and thank each other. 

The number one rule was that I am the centre of the kitchen universe. You leave the kitchen as if you're a master criminal: leave no trace of evidence that you were ever in it. 

DH and I had no problems at all enforcing rules onto our bio.

Oh, and I do not understand what the hardship is on kids if parents instill a no food in rooms policy. That was another one of our rules. DD never gave it a second thought. 

DH was also very good at teaching everyone, bio DD and SKs, to thank me when I cooked and baked for special dinners like Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc. Likely because I taught them way back.

Being in her room might be a normal teen thing. Teens enter an individuation stage where they want separation from parents/adutls. DD and SS spent a lot of time in their room but the clingiest cling-on that ever clung was always out in the open trying to crawl up DH's ass. Whenever SS was in his room, I just enjoyed his absence. Sometimes when DD was a bitchy teenage girl, I enjoyed her being in her room too. Quite often, DH and I would call her out on her bitchiness and tell her to go to her room rather than "spread the wealth." LOL

In relation to BS/MK's lack of thanks, she wasn't taught that or modelled that. Does your DH express his thanks to you when you cook for him and HIS kid? If not, then BS/MK can't do something that hasn't been modeled for her. My SKs got in the habit when I first came into the family and would say thank you to DH for everything he made. My SKs were very young, so it wasn't long before they started thanking DH and I. 

And yes, it's normal to be taught to express thanks, but too often, dads of divorce are far too afraid to teach their kids anything at all including the basics. 

Your SD not showing or expressing appreciation/thanks is a symptom of a family's norms, one of which is to not bother to teach or model appreciation. 

Definitely have the kitchen is closed by 10 policy.

I don't know, do you want her to move on after she graduates? She's 16 and can live and plan around a kitchen curfew.  I'd start making some rules and if she doesn't like it, oh well,   It's your home, you are one that keeps it running.  You don't want to give her the idea that things will stay this comfortable and she will move in.  A little discomfort never hurt any teen and serves as motivation. I say make a kitchen curfew with master criminal clean up standards.  ( love that! ) 

Its your and DH's home. You both set the rules. If you are generally the one who cooks then fair enough your kitchen rules apply.

Fine she doesnt think family meals are important, ok. BUT you do. So as the lady of the house you can have the kitchen closed at whatever works for you.

I wouldnt cook, clean, or anything while she is there. It just leads to disappointment. If there are no leftovers too dang bad for SD. 

You've brought this up a few times.

Only cook for yourself, don't make enough for leftovers.  She is using you and you are starting to resent it.  Fill the freezer with pizza rolls, and let her fix her own junk.

Since that's how your DH is doing things I'd not expect SD to be any different. At 16 it was DD and me. We ate dinner together if we were home. I know my ex's family had family dinners as well. Kids aren't the ones that create this dynamics. Parents do.

Your DH doesn't run family in this way so you can't enforce it, you can't make things run your way. What you can do is stop cooking and stop expecting things to change. Your DH doesn't care. Why do you care? Why do you even want to eat with her if it's unpleasant. You just keep wanting things to change 

and you really need to accept that it's your DHs responsibility. He doesn't do anything with his kid (or with you much either). You keep saying "I planned I signed up I did this and that". Where is the father in all this?

We have 7 year old SGD. When she comes over we usually all things together but my DH also does things alone with her taking her places and doing things and creating traditions because he is the grandfather. Maybe she'll lose interest at 16 but your DH never wanted to do anything.

It doesn't matter that you are the planner. He procreated, not you. These are his children. That's how they do things. No family time no vacations no spending time together and no meals together. You can't make them do things your way. It doesn't matter how your mom and dad did things. He doesn't care. Why would SD?

Just do you. stop all this. Let DH cook when SD is over. Don't sit home. And plan your own vacation. You can be a planner of your own life 

Clove, what would it be like, regarding dinners, if your DH had his way?  Who would cook, how often, who would eat, what would be done with leftovers?

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It's quite sad if you can't eat meals with your family. I really don't understand people that do this when everyones home.  If you end up cooking just for yourself and keeping your food separate, what's the difference between them and roommates?

My kids (BD17 and BS15) are not like that at all! They've gone through periods where they've spent more time in their rooms but they would always come out and greet visitors. They've always been required to eat dinner with me and NEVER have food in their rooms. 
 

I also compare SD12 with my sisters who are 10 and 12 years younger than me. They definitely hid in their bedrooms MOST of their teenage years but were also NEVER allowed to eat in there.

I find the behavior rude but if SO is going to allow it, I'll just never live with him while she's still around!

I made "family dinner" when my SD's were teens. They were here pretty much every weekend because BM couldn't be bothered to spend weekends with her own children... She was too busy writing in her diary, breaking her adult toys, and having "me time."

SD's were rude, resentful and made snide comments that we called it "family" dinner which at first annoyed me but eventually I found humor in that they are shedevil's about a meal that is planned, purchased, prepared, served and other than putting their own plates into the dishwasher, cleaned up by yours truly. DH felt that a sit-down family dinner together is important for children, so for that reason, and because I wanted to make dinner for my BK's anyway, I put in the effort to make it happen. Once SD's reached 18 I was just done and began having DH pick up take-out on the less and less frequent occasions SD's grace us with their presence. I have a certain degree of patience for petulant children but if they didn't learn common courtesy by adulthood, the free-home-made-meal gravy train dries up. BM is a horrible cook, even the SD's admitted that everything I make is good. As young adults they have learned to be more courteous around meals so I have begun to cook and share meals again on special occasions.

My BK's spent a lot of time in their own rooms at age 16. I would say that is typical for that age.

I don't understand why you're so focused on what SD does when your DH treats you just as poorly, if not worse. SD at least has the excuse of being a teenager (and they can be pretty self-centered/oblivious) whose parents raised her to behave this way. What is your DH's excuse?

1. From what I have observed at home AND from what I hear from my daughters' friends' parents, spending your life in your bedroom (unless you're going out somewhere) is pretty standard. OTOH, if asked to come and help with something or come and see something, they come and help/see. What happens if you ask her to come out for a reason?  

2. This is a no-no in our home. If they want to cook, they do it at a reasonable time and they cook for all of us. We eat at table (when else do you get all the gossip?!) and that's the way it's always been. They know better than to decide to cook so late. One often ate late when she worked at McDonalds but she also brought her dinner home so no cooking.

What works with an intact family will probably be difficult with a blended family even if it's only that an intact family has never known any other way whereas a blended family may have entirely different habits and values.

I know it can be frustrating but family meals is something the parents either establish or don't.  So, if DH is fine with SD eating at odd hours then I would leave it alone.  I wouldn't cook anything nice the weekends she is there.  Maybe head out to eat, get takeout.  Or cook something she hates LOL.  

But really cooking just one portion of something can be challenging.  When I lived alone I would often just cook 2-3 times a week and eat the leftovers the other days.  So I would just go ahead and make a reasonable amount of something simple and leave it in the fridge.  If SD wants it later, fine, if not she is old enough to figure something else out.  Or go hungry.

It sounds like you want appreciation but that isn't going to come.  So either don't cook and eat take out, cook something she hates, or cook and let her figure out the rest.  And save the steak and shrimp for yourselves - when SD is over just chicken and veggies.  Maybe burgers or spaghetti.  But no surf and turf.

And yes for a teenager spending hours alone in their room is normal.  I did that too LOL.

Whatever is SD doing or not doing isn't even an issue. DH is an issue. He's cooking in the garage wuth his friend? What's up with that. Is he cooking for all of you? 

we sometimes don't want to miss a tv show so we'd eat in the living room on occasion. Usually I hate it but sometimes it's ok if we don't want to interrupt something. When DH wants to watch a show is there a place for both of you to enjoy it while eating? Not in a garage lol not sanitary. Is there a different place to eat and watch tv together on occasion? 

Overall almost every complaint you have about SD isn't SD's issue but your DH's issue and your overall marital issue. It's just easier to hyper focus on SD and on elaborate meals. Honestly money spent on steaks or shrimps would be better spent on a good therapist for yourself to help you with all this. you can have a good marriage and good home life and not have dinners together or even cooked fancy dinners.

It's not really an issue. you can have a piece of toast ona paper plate and be happy. And you can cook steaks and live in misery  

No leftover, No cooking.  Let DH handle it.