Needing to Vent! Read if you want, just some things I wanted to write out.
One day it has to get better, right? Although I think that day will come when I walk out of this door and never look back. I cannot get DH to see how he is doing so much harm than good to his daughters by handing them everything for absolutely nothing. He tells me to "not worry about it" as if I can only concern myself when he needs me. He cannot and will not ever tell his children no, its not in his vocabulary when it comes down to it, somehow that word escapes his brain when it comes time to use it. He sends them to me when the negative stuff is needed because clearly I have no problem putting my foot down. He is making me the evil step-mother while he remains the perfect daddy and the best friend. He is the YES MAN! The other night ss13 lied straight to his face (we over-heard her plan to sneak out with her friend and tee-pee the neighborhood) and he didnt even call her out on it. His children walk all over him, im not saying they dont love him im sure they do very much.. but they take advantage of him, lie to him, only call when they are at BMs when they need their phones paid and so forth. I suppose in his eyes its made up for when they are walking around here telling him 100 times in an hour that they love him. We are on to something new with the ss9, its not new but shes bringing it back.. lol... she has lately started calling him da-da.. like a little toddler.. I do not understand it, I ignore it for the most part but seriously she will be 10 in a month and da-da just seems a little immature. I guess it doesnt help that he still talks to them as if they are toddlers.. honestly.. he will ask his 9 and 13 year old if they are ready for "night-night"..
I recently went on a trip for a week, alone and loved it.. but came back to find out that ss13 was sleeping in the bed with her dad, call me what you will or tell me im over-thinking but I have never known a 13 year old to sleep with her dad, thats something new I have to wrap my brain around and its been pretty difficult. Also while I was gone, ss9 needed glasses and DH went out and got her a 200 hundred dollar pair of Versaci (?) glasses! FOR. A. 9. YEAR. OLD!!! Told her to pick out whatever she wanted.. please someone tell me a good reason for that. I could see if we could afford it and if she could manage to clean her room once in awhile or appreciate the already too much crap she has, I could see if she was responsible (there are 9 year old responsible kids out there..i know there is, she isnt one of them) I could see if she somehow managed to do some homework and get some passing grades, but no.. she got them simply because he couldnt tell her no.
I am absolutely tired of DH paying CS to their mother when we are supposed to have them 50/50 but we actually have them 80/20, if that. She decides to get a job for a few months and for some reason can no longer have the kids with her when she becomes employed, she has a fiance, im wondering why he doesnt help her out, im here helping her exH out with their kids.. whats her deal? Im also tired of paying on a bill thats in collections from their marriage that she agreed to pay half of, DHs half is paid but is and has been paying her half off every month at 150 a pop. So not only are we paying her rent at the trailer she doesnt even live in or paying for her to drive around and party on the weekends because she certainly isnt using it to help her children any since she never has them, we are also paying to clean her credit up. Im tired of always having to drive all over this state to help her out when the kids forget something here or when she finally decides to get them and doesnt want to drive out to our house. Im tired of her pity parties she wants to hold every other day about how life is so fucking hard for her when in reality it seems to be the easiest life to maintain. We pay for their kids phones to be on, we pay ALL bills, we pay her bills, and she wants to call me crying because her fiance is cheating on her. Get real!! I dont even want to hear it anymore!! Deal with it. BM takes total advantage of him as well, I guess thats where the kids learn it. She will use the kids to get what she needs out of him, she knows he loves his kids soooo much that she will tell a sad story about her life and throw their kids in there for good measure to get exactly what she is wanting at the time. I am so F'n tired of all it. Ive never seen anything like this in my life, someone so controlled by everyone in his life and turns a blind eye to it because he doesnt know how to tell someone off!! (except for me, he can tell me off in a second...lol) He doesnt like the truth and im pretty sure since I can tell him so easily how poorly he is managing things in his life its easy for him to turn that into anger towards me. I really do not want to hear that she is entitled to some stupid ass life she had when she was married to him, that is nonsense and I dont want to hear it. Grow up, work, take your kids when you said you would, pay your own bills!! Shes a grown ass person who is twisted, conniving and really deserves karma to pitch a tent in her life and stay awhile.
I try to disengage but it is hard when DH needs me to be the one here to be the bad one. His 9 year old was yelling at him the other day and he couldnt even stand up to it, I had to. I had to tell that child to stop yelling at her dad and if she continued she will be dealing with me! He doesnt get it, he wants to please them so damn bad that he is willing to let these children control every aspect of his life and also is willing to send them out in a world with false ideas of how it really goes. I have a feeling the 9 year old will be pregnant by the time she is 16 and they will both be living with us the rest of our lives as soon as they figure out that the world will not hand them everything they look at just because they say they love it a few thousand times!!
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Comments
YIKES!
I really feel badly that you get turned into the "bad guy" in all of this!
I know a few SM's on this site with some real advice on how to deal with some of these issues! "How to get DH-to wake up and smell the coffee"-or a few other Steparent manuals laying around...
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
I need
all the manuals I can get my hands on. LOL. Otherwise we will need different kind of manuals, like -How to avoid serious violent temptations- hahahaha
I have tried
so much to explain how though it may seem wonderful that he is doing all he should to bring a smile on their faces that he is more importantly doing them harm. He doesnt see it as well refuses to believe me. But youre right, I have to stop getting in there to save him from being the "bad guy", that sort of makes me an enabler. Its hard to see them doing and getting whatever they want though, its very hard to step back and let it go on, knowing they need someone in their life to guide them. They do not get that from either parent, and for some reason I feel its up to me to give them a fighting chance.
I just dont know what to do anymore...
You're right girl, this stuff is hard to deal with
I could have written your post, only I have 13 and 14 y.o. boys acting like that. It makes me sick how they're coddled by their father. Nothing they do is wrong, nothing! Guilt parenting much?lol
I feel the same way you do in so many ways. We have the skids most of the time, plus when they're not technically "here" they either start out here in the a.m. or wind up here after school until getting dropped at their bm's...so technically they're rarely not 'here'. It gets frustrating. Not to mention the sudden schedule changes w/o being consulted and all the other crap. I was p*ssed the other day because fh decided to 'keep' the boys after they'd gotten home from school and were scheduled to go to their mom's. Nobody asked me...nobody wanted my opinion...nobody asked if I'd even frikkin be HOME (i'm not married to him, I can come and go as I please if I wanted to). I was really salty about the whole mess, but fh and I are in counseling.
First I learned just the other day that these guys do stupid things because they are trying to just coast by w/o p*ssing off the bm. If they can do that, they have more access to their kid w/o bm creating drama.
Second, they don't keep us in the loop alot of times on stuff because they're men, that's what they do...and it's wrong and soemthing they need to fix. Most men are p*ss poor communicators, so relying info is hard for them. Also, when schedule changes arise, they don't keep us in the loop because they are poor communicators and are just trying to keep things running smoothly. They are very wrong for doing that w/o consulting us that's for sure, but they're not doing it deliberately or maliciously.
If you and your H go to therapy, you can talk about these issues, resentments and miscommunications before they grow into something bigger. I feel like you do that I have one foot out the door, but I'm not sure it's the right thing, you know? I know my fh loves me, but is sucky at showing it sometimes and is a very bad communicator...and when I get insecure or upset, it gets him riled up, which riles me up further that he doesn't love me...so the little fire just turns into a huge inferno. Therapy helps. I'm still here, so it's gotta have some effect.
Keep posting, keep venting...we're here for ya sista, cuz we're all going through the same crap. Stay strong!
Big hugs to ya!