Im New.. Here is a little about the situation...
I should have known walking into this 3 years ago that this was going to be a bad set-up. The day he bought the youngest SD a toy to "get her to stop crying" should have been a huge warning sign. He stopped at walmart while we were all in the car because he couldnt get her to stop crying and bought her a 75 dollar toy. Guess what? It worked... and I should have run that day, but I thought maybe over time I could talk to him about things like that. BIG MISTAKE. Ill also never forget the time I got kicked out of my own bed so his two daughters could properly rub his back and legs....with lotion. Or the other time I had to leave the bed so his youngest could sleep with him. I couldnt believe it. Its not like she was 4 years old, a little toddler having bad dreams, she was almost 8!! Not that 8 year olds dont have nightmares, but come on, I think an 8 year old is capable of being talked to and sent back to her room.
A little about our family, been together now over 3 years, I have 4 BIO kids and of course my 2 SDs. It has been the most difficult 3 almost 4 years of my life. I didnt realize how hard it was going to be to blend us all. My kids are 12, 10, 7 and 5, the SDs are 13 and 9, but treated as if they are on our level and have a say about the decisions made in our home. We are all in the same house but divided. My kids are made to clean up after their selves and are to help with the household all together. But not the SD's. They are free to do whatever they want. They each have their own rooms with highspeed internet, new computers, tvs and so on. My kids share rooms, their rooms are not loaded with todays technology. I understand my younger two are a bit young for that stuff, but I also dont want my older sons to be allowed to surf the internet at any given time, I supervise what they do online when they earn their time to be on it. My sons want new cellphones and computers and everything else the SD's have but I parent differently and believe that stuff can wait until they can afford it themselves. I sound like such a strict parent, but I want my kids to understand that in this life things are not handed out freely to people, that you have to work for what you get. But the conflict lies wherein the SDs get EVERYTHING they ask for without having to do a thing for it. The 9 year old recently got a blackberry pearl..because she lives and breathes and that is the only reason because she certainly has done nothing to earn it. Shes barely passing 3rd grade but she wants it so she gets it. The 13 year old is receiving a blackberry curve tonight. For no reason. Although she has a nice working phone (a razor) her dad feels a curve would suit her better, for some reason. We are talking about children who do nothing to get everything. Their dad has asked them for about 2 months to clean their rooms and he gets the usual "okaaaay daddddyyyy" but it never gets done. Just yesterday their dad cleaned their rooms for them because he will not under any circumstance MAKE them do anything. He will never raise his voice to these children. Maybe Im missing something, were they born entitled?? I dont know.. nobody gave me that memo when I met them. Anyway, my kids see this and I know it has to be so frustrating to them, they have to wonder why the SDs get everything while they have to do more to get what little they have. I do not want to stop my method, I dont want to send my kids out in the world with false pretenses thinking that things just magically come your way without having to lift a finger. I dont want my kids coming back to me because they are broke and have no place to go, or because my daughter is pregnant and she needs help raising a baby. I want to give them the proper tools they need for this world, but at the same time im sure they think I am just a horrible, mean mother who doesnt love them as much. I hope in time they realize that its the complete opposite, that I loved them so much that I wanted to prepare them for this crazy world so that they could see that hardwork will pay off far more than sitting around waiting for the next handout.
The younger SD is more of a challenge than her sister. She really plays a part for her dad and he loves that role. She knows what to say, when to cry and how to behave to get everything her heart desires. She will be home with me all day and be just fine, we talk, we play we bond and so forth but as soon as her dad walks in the house she becomes a totally different person. She whispers to him as if she has to or I will go evil on her. And he buys it. Hes asked me why she walks on eggshells around me and ive told him over and over that its an act and while he is not home she is completely okay, not scared to ask me anything, not scared to say anything at all.. we get along better when hes not here, and he insists that she must be nervous around me, and its utter crap!! He does not see it one bit. One time we were going to look at a house during our home buying hunt and we decided not to take all the kids with us because, well hello..i think you know why, anyway.. we were going to let them go to the park across the street while we were doing a walk through (keep in mind, it was a very very small town and we could see them from where we were, so they were fine) but this one was not having it. She decided she needed to go and if she couldnt then she wasnt about to cooperate and fell into a tantrum like no other, tossing end tables and screaming and crying, well her dad says "maybe we should take her" and I about lost my sanity right then and there. Doesnt he see that she acts like that to get her way?? What is the matter with him??? Why would he not straighten her out, take her in another room and tell her how its going to be and she could either keep crying or accept it for what it is???? Why would he not make her clean up her mess, why does he think that behavior is okay?? Eventually I told him that him and her could go since her then 7 year old self needed to make the house purchase decision with us. Not any other child had a problem, they were excited about the park, only her that needed to have a melt-down to get her way. And get this.. about an hour later she comes to me and goes "I decided to go to the park so you can go with my dad now". I was floored that the 7 year old just gave me permission to go. Something was way wrong with that.
I treat all of the kids good. The SD's have no idea how I feel about the way their dad does things. It isnt their fault, but they do know that their spoiled ways will not work with me. They found that out real fast and they dont even try with me. Im not hateful, I tell them I love them everynight before they go to bed just like I do my own, so trust me, they dont feel any resentment from me. I just wish I knew how to talk to their dad without him taking it personally and telling me to mind my own business, which im supposed to only mind my business when it comes to this sort of thing, not when the SD's need me for homework, or need rides to their friends, or need me to show up at their school... I only need to mind my business when it comes to discipline.
I know this is so long, but I need to get it out. I dont want to leave out the one time when the younger SD threw a pair of scissors at me. I sent her to her room hoping that her dad would maybe react a little different when he got home and found out she threw a sharp object at me. When I told him he didnt even bat an eye, he looked at her and said "you cant do that, that isnt nice". And thats where that ended, never said another word, didnt ground her, didnt take a cellphone, NOTHING. That one sentence was enough for him. He didnt even raise his voice, he said it just like you would say a normal sentence. It wasnt made to be serious, she could have seriously injured me and he couldnt even muster a loud voice with his one sentence talk.
I guess I will stop for now, I could go on and on. I hope I havent lost anyone at this point... but it sure feels good to write it down and hope that someone sees it.
I think the next blog will be about BM.. shes a real hoot!! If youre still reading, thanks for sticking through, I appreciate it. If you have any words.. encouragement, criticism..whatever.. please let me know. If im doing something wrong please help me.
Thank you
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I would not tolerate it.
I would not tolerate it. That is also your house and your rules and if you have to mind your own business with discipline then I would mind my own business on everything else. MY own personal feelings is I WILL NOT be a door mat to anyone and if you want my help my views are just as important as the other persons. Not to mention marrage is a partnership, you need to be on the same page and kids need to see that.
Thank you.. glad you guys
Thank you.. glad you guys stuck through all that. HA! I almost left yesterday over him cleaning their rooms. Isnt it funny how the reasons people want to run out sound so ridiculous? Over cleaning their room?? lol, but it builds up.. and im sure you know that. If I ever leave this situation I know I will never, ever try to blend a family again. I dont think its worth it, all the hate, all the resentment and so on. Ive learned a lot in the last few years and hindsight is 20/20.. ill never do this again!! Thanks for your comments.. its nice to hear from people who understand.
I agree with
crayon......guilt parenting. I am assuming by your post that DH has custody of the girls? Where is the BM in the picture? Just wondering b/c an awful lot of guilt is going around....I'd say MORE than normal!
Welcome!
Thank you Sia...
The BM is around, but only when she wants to be. The custody is set up to alternate weeks. Sunday to Sunday... but in reality she gets them whenever she flippin feels like it and sends them back all the same...whenever shes ready. He pays CS still even though she rarely has them. Listening to her reason as to why she cant take them her weeks has become quite entertaining, from.. "she cant drive in the snow" (shes lived here her whole life, she knows every year its gonna snow) to she made plans to have lunch with a friend and shes not sure what day yet so she will get them after that planned yet unplanned event occurs. It also doesnt occur to one person to ask me what I have going on...seeing that I take care of them when they are here.. it just doesnt matter. LIFE IS GOOD. LOL
This situation would be intolerable for me
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
We all have a place where lines are drawn-and I will admit that I myself have had to move my "lines" where living with H is concerned-and where the skids are concerned.
But-my kids are grown. So they suffer very little from the radioactive fallout that is occurring from my overindulgent, moody H and the overindulged spoiled SD17. I wouldn't be able to bear having my kids witness other children in the same household being treated as privelged. I admire your decisions to raise your children as you see fit; however, I also have to wonder what the effects of watching the skids being pampered in front of their every eyes will be.
Spitfire made some very valid points-and I agree with her wholeheartedly.
It is very hard..
You're right, it is so hard to tolerate. The best I do is try to explain to my kids the reasons I do what I do and hope that they understand one day. Its so very hard to watch the SDs get pampered knowing that my kids are not. I will say, he does try to pamper my kids the same way to a certain level, but I cant let him do that. I feel my kids will suffer more being treated as if they are owed things instead of learning that things are earned.
But youre absolutely right, what will the effects be? Thanks for bringing that to my attention, not that I havent thought of it before, but it kind of hits home when someone else says it. I have a lot to think about. I appreciate all of your comments and I am so glad I found this site.
agreed with bewitched
For all the good your parenting style is doing for your kids, it is breeding resentment by being juxtaposed against the way your SDs are being raised. You guys are running parallel families with completely different rules, and for kids, who have an inborn sense of fairness, this is going to cause lasting problems on BOTH sides of the fence.
When you and your H got married, you formed a family, within a family, there cannot be "you raise your kids and I'll raise mine how I see fit". In reading this, I, a grown adult, can only imagine your kids feel like cinderella, and it's not b/c your rules and standards are inappropriate, it's b/c there are two PRINCESSES who are exempt from these things and I am sure that fact is lost on none of them, even the youngest.
I strongly suggest you and your husband seek family counseling and come up with a parenting plan for ALL of your kids. This is NOT going to be an easy thing to untangle, and it is only going to get worse as these girls get older and become more manipulative and demanding. I don't think it's healthy for any of you to live this way, without the cohesiveness of family, and it is only going to breed resentment in YOU towards your H for allowing this to continue.
Good luck to you, I wish you all the best, it sounds like you have a very long road ahead...
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
I can't believe you've lasted this long
I read your blog and I must be honest and admit I can understand just a little bit where your H is coming from - don't get me wrong, he IS wrong and he is guilt parenting. My BS was an only child/only grand child so I must admit he is spoiled. Not to the point of thinking the world is gonna hand him everything. I have seen the results of this and it is not pretty. BM is so selfish that SD and SS got the bare minimum in toys and such. Since I came into their life (4 years ago too) they have gotten more than they ever got. Now SD has this entitlement attitude toward me and she is so hateful - she is 13, let me tell she did the same crazy crap of walking around me when H is home just like yours - she does it now when she feels like putting on an act - most the time she is too busy being nasty to do that anymore. Well H and I have different parenting ideas too - of course my BS is a straight A student and a really good kid (knock on wood) but I would not hesitate to bust his 12 year old behind and he knows it. I really make him walk the line. Not princess SD 13 she can say nasty things, make dirty My Space sites, break into the neighbors house , steal perfume and jewelry from me and you know what the punishment is - H gets mad at me. Oh yeah we have supposed EOW custody too - this week is BM's week and were are the Skids? Sitting on my couch with BM nowhere to be found! I wanted ALL the kids to do chores - that lasted about 1 week - my BS and SS share a room - needless to say BS cleans the room while SS looks on. I just don't feel right forcing my child to work around the house while skids sit on their rump and watch - and it does me in to think my child is cleaning up after skids - hell no. If you and H can sit down and break out some chores - make a rotating schedule, something, anything would really help - 'cause I can just image how you kids feel. I tell you if I was one of your kids my resentment would not be toward you but definitly toward SDs and H!
what is wrong with some people?
I just have to say WHAT is wrong with some people?? All we have is from birth to the teen years to teach children right from wrong, good from bad ect... SO WHY do so many parents waste such an important time. Child hood is not a free for all and lets learn the fundamentals of life when you become an adult. DO they not realize the are raising a drain on society and only hurting their own child when they become an adult and have to enter the real world and realize things are not handed to you. It's like a mama bear not teaching her cub how to hunt and survive.
First of all, welcome.
The situation you are in now makes me afraid of what will come for me. Blending families is obviously not an easy task, especially when each parents raises their own kids different ways. Your kids see that their step siblings are getting whatever they want so they get mad at you and jealous of them. Have you tried talking to your bio kids about this? I know the younger two might not understand, but a talk is a must with the older two. Explain to them that you love them so very much, and talk about your reasons as to why they aren't getting everything they want when they want it.
I know that when I have kids, I will raise them in the same sense as you. I will teach them to earn their things and appreciate the things that are given to them. Unfortunately, SD8 is raised completely different... so there will definitely be some friction there. But that's fine. SD8 is not my child so do I care if SD8 grows up to be drug addict or a teen mom or whatever? No.
If I were you, I would be a little more aggressive with DH. Don't let him push you around. If you don't agree on something, talk about it. For example... the whole being kicked out of your bed because SDs want to give daddy a massage... tell them HELL NO. If you all want to go have fun with lotion and massages, take it outside of my room. I am going to sleep in MY bed. ... That is not right what they did, and I would definitely start putting your foot down.
*hugs* You definitely deserve one right now. We're all here for you.
*hugs* secondwife19
I agree, the lotion and massage thing really threw me for a loop. I just know if I were that age and my dad asked me for a body rub I think I would have been scared. It kinda creeped me out. Definitely had me thinking. LOL
I talk to my kids on a regular basis about all of this. Believe it or not, the older ones really do in a way understand. I hope anyway, they seem to.. but I cant help but wonder if they still hold any grudges. I suppose they would, they are children and they just dont have the ability to understand this big life and all the things that come with it. They seem to hold no resentment towards me, thank God.. I just dont know how long Im going to be able to let this go on. I think they would be better off away from this. I have tried and tried and tried to talk to DH about the differences and so on, but he will not budge. He really believes his angels deserve all they get. He is so blinded and I used to feel sorry for him, thinking how hard its going to be for him when they get a little older. But I dont anymore.. you reap what you sow.. and knowing what lies ahead of him does not deter him. I give up talking to him... its useless.
Thank you so much for welcoming me.. all of this talk really means a lot. Ive needed this for a very long time.
Maybe I'm waaay off the mark here
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
but that massage business bothers me-more than a little. Too close to home-and the way H & SD17 act.
I think that's just too personal-something husbands and wives do for each other. I can honestly say I never gave my dad a massage. My son has never given me a massage.
Course I didn't sit on his lap when I was nearly 18, either. And if I was dressed inappropriately, my dad was as vocal as my mom about it. Not proudly beaming at the exposure as H is inclined to do.
Just my feelings.
EXACTLY...
That massage thing only happened once.. in my presence anyway. Thats a touchy subject to bring up with DH.. he gets real defensive if I start talking about how over the line that type of stuff is. Makes me wonder for sure. It didnt go on with nothing said, you can believe that. We have had some real good fights about too much love in the house. I never knew there could be too much, but I was way wrong. Ive said some real nasty things that maybe should have never come out of my mouth, but thats the thing with me, its hard for me to hold back exactly what im feeling. I need to probably work on that, but its so hard to not say anything when things like that take place. I think it would make anyone question just really what the hell goes on around here!!
I see a therapist about all of this.. and he pretty much is in my corner, which I know.. im the one paying..lol.. but he seems to think its a little much as well around here.
Not too sure how long I can stomach any of this anymore. Im really thinking hard on all of this. I think its time I decide that all of this stops here!! NO MORE!! Either he give me my voice back or I pack my bags....
My sons used to like to give me back rubs and foot rubs
They did the foot ones a lot when I was pregnant. It was nice. BUT...
In our living room not our bedroom. AND the back rubs were mostly oldest BS because I get horrible knots in my back. He won't do it even if I ask him now (Ewwww! Gross mom!) Which is a pitty because he is very good at hitting knots- I keep telling him to go into massage therapy someday.
I also think he realized a few years ago, that it was DH's place to work out the kinks in my back or rub my feet. But DH never minded (in the livingroom once again!)
I think this guy and his daughters are a train wreck. I know it's not as simple for you as reading it is to me...
but I would have to leave rather than raise my kids in that environment. They may get that you are a better, stronger, healthier parent someday, but I also bet you will have to endure their anger and resentment that you don't make DH parent consistently.
Luckily for me, DH and I both "mean parents" as you described. We will not be purchasing cell phones until the kids are willing to contribute to their upkeep financially. Unfortunately since we're blended, I have an exH who's wife thinks all kids are entitled to material bliss and their parent's resources. So they added a cell for BS 14 Christmas day without even thinking to forewarn me (forget about consult me. I'm betting that was an argument because exH probably wanted to see what I thought about a cell, and SM probably said I had no say what they buy him. Oh it never ends does it????)
Anyway, Welcome and Goodluck. I wish you the strength to sort out what is in you and your sons best interests, whatever that decision may be.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
There are other concerns for your children-not so much regarding
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
not so much regarding them resenting you, or resenting anyone, for that matter.
But when you place a child in a position of, day by day, seeing others being given preferential treatment, it has a way of affecting how they see themselves. Explaining to them why all of this is going on is great-but, the visualization of seeing, 24/7, other children in the same household being treated as royalty, must surely have an impact on their sense of self.
It's the polar opposite of all of these entitled stepbrats we all refer to. A daily reinforcement of how "special", how "entitled" they are, since these kids were small, has led many of us to dealing with narcassistic teens and beyond. So what will the daily reinforcement of seeing your skids being treated as entitled do to your own kids self-esteem?
IMO, you and your H need to find a way to balance this out for the benefit of your children. If he won't come together as a family, I really really worry about the long-term effects on your kiddos.
This is a topic very close to my heart. My ex made no pretenses-he favored our youngest son, which when we were married, I argued with him over many many times. Then when he remarried (within a few months of our divorce), he bent over backwards for her kids, and my oldest son, again, was treated as a nothing. Why he chose to live with his father is, to this day, beyond me. But he was old enough to make the decision, according to the courts.
And now he is a very sad, lonely young man, with alot of anger in him. From being a sweet, sensitive boy, he is now a loner. And I cry for him more than anyone will ever know.