Another Christmas Without the Skids
Skids don't even have to be around to ruin Christmas. None of my husband's adult kids have visited our home in over 6 years. It's been 7 years since any of them have been here for Christmas. That sounds fantastic, but it isn't. It's like this gigantic elephant in the corner. His kids refuse to have anything to do with me or my kids and Dh pretends like there's nothing wrong with this.
For Christmas, one of my husband's sisters and her husband were visiting (stopping on their way from the east coast to Hawaii. Must be nice). Every year I host a big Christmas dinner for my family, which includes my mother who is in poor health and any other relatives who don't have a place to go for Christmas. So I'm used to cooking big family dinners. But my SIL being there pissed me off to no end. She's like nails on a chalkboard to me.
Throughout the whole dinner (with my kids and my mom and my family there) Dh and his sister chatted non-stop about HIS kids - including a long discussing about how long it's been since they were last at our home, what they're doing, how cute the new baby is, how great SD's wedding was. I was not invited to the wedding. Nor were my kids. None of the skids will even speak to me. They refused to acknowledge I exist. But they get talked about like they walk on water at Christmas dinner.
Dh bragged nonstop about the expensive gifts his kids got him and how he's flying out to visit his eldest son next month. He hadn't told me anything about this. He ups and goes whenever his kids call him and want him to go somewhere with them or come visit.
It's like he living this separate life and rubbing it in my face in front of my whole family. They don't understand what's going on and why the skids won't visit. It's so uncomfortable for my kids to hear about their stepsiblings who they know refuse to have anything to do with them and that Dh will not condemn this behavior or stand up for them or me.
All three of the skids have well-paying jobs and take vacations all over the world. If they wanted to fly out and see their dad for Christmas, they could. SD and her husband are on a ski-vacation now in Colorado. But they refuse to step foot in our house and Dh and SIL refuse to call them out on this.
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Comments
It sucks that your skids
It sucks that your skids won't acknowledge you, and not inviting you to a wedding? That's the rudest!
But can I ask? Would it truly have been better if they came to visit? How does them being IN the house with you (probably ignoring you - or being "forced polite") make the holidays better?
I think your husband is crap for allowing the kids to ignore you this long, but I respect that he is at least trying to maintain SOME kind of relationship with them.
I think you could have just said something to you husband - along the lines of - "can we please discuss something else that everyone can join in on while at dinner?" he and his sis could go chat it up later.
At least, if they did visit,
At least, if they did visit, then it would put their rudeness out in the open. I don't want to see them nor do I want to have any relationship with them. But if they would visit, then it would fix the issue of my Dh not being able to see his kids/grandkids and we would be able to have a some what normal family situation.
It's incredibly awkward when people visit, see the pictures of the skids or have known them growing up and ask me how they are or when they're going to visit. I don't want to admit how the situation really is. If it's adult kids unwilling accepting their parent's divorce, it's one thing, but when it's a widower situation, people look at you as a stepmother differently and are far more judgmental.
Yeah, I can understand your
Yeah, I can understand your hurt feelings.... its hard to take part in something when you have not been included in anything.
I think its good he makes a effort to maintain a relationship with his kids, but honestly he should tell them thanks for the invite but if I come I want my wife to go too, kinda putten it back in their court to accept you or theres no trip kinda thing.
My father would NEVER leave my SM like that, and believe me we tolerate her, but irregaurdless its been made very clear that they go to events and gatherings together because they are a couple.
I can understand the situation too how you feel that they wont come to your home, I understand how you feel..its silently slighting you and your kids.
Their father is good enough to see outside your home but not going to your home to see him.
It is going to have to come from him, have you told him how you feel? how this bothers you?
Dh already tried insisting
Dh already tried insisting that they invite me and it resulted in the skids being estranged for 5 years. When we were first married, his kids made it clear that they didn't want to see him if he insisted that I also be invited. So his kids barely talked to him for 5 years and he wasn't even told his oldest son was getting married because his son didn't want to deal with the question of inviting me.
About 2 years ago, the skids were going through a crisis with their maternal grandma being terminally ill and he went crawling back to beg his kids' forgiveness for remarrying.
I don't know what the exact
I don't know what the exact remedy for this situation is. However, and I know some may disagree with this, I don't think your skids are entirely to blame.
Didn't DH not go to one of their college graduations to coach one of your kids' sports teams? I've read some of your blogs, and it sounds like this is a situation where everyone made mistakes.
This is the type of thing the
This is the type of thing the skids will never let me forget, like it's my fault my husband chose to coach his stepson's important little league game rather than going to SS's college graduation. Dh wasn't even told about his son's graduation until the last moment, then was supposed drop everything to fly across country regardless of what was going on in our lives.
My son was having such a hard time with everything then, new school, new stepfather, the only thing he really enjoyed was little league and spending time with his new stepfather- so my husband prioritized him. Now his kids will never let him forget it. God forbid they have a little bit of compassion for anyone else.
Their parents were married
Their parents were married during their childhoods. Their mother was far more involved with their lives since their father's job required him to travel frequently, but he put his life on hold when she became ill. The kids were all in high school/college when their mother was sick. So, they were not small children. By the time their mother died, Dh was ready to move on.
I've read that it's very common for men to marry within 2 years of their wives passing away and this is the way that men grieve. But his children hold it against him like it's an affront to their mother.