What is that about?
On Thursday I posted a blog that BM's GF and SS would be traveling to GF's parents' house 4 hours away. They left Thursday after school, so SS missed school on Friday. BM didn't go with them because she said she was coming to our state to visit her parents... In this post, I went on a whole rant about the double standards because BM would have our asses if I ever took SS anywhere without DH and also the fact that DH could have had SS for the weekend and BM would have been driving right by us en route to her parents, but no, GF got to keep him instead.
We talked to SS10 last night for our usual Sunday call. He was driving back home with GF. SS explained that he would have to wait until today to celebrate Mother's Day with BM because she wasn't returning home until today. DH probed a little deeper and SS said BM left Thursday and was coming back today because she was working in our state.
If what SS said is true, then BM left SS with GF for 5 days to work 6 hours away. And the thing is, BM is a social worker, so it isn't like she can come up and do a one time job. DH thinks BM may be working part-time in our state because she has a therapist that she used to work under that she was obsessed with. When she lived in our state, she used to drive an hour and a half one way, three times per week, to work for this therapist... We found out years later that she worked for him for free as an intern for 10 months to "build her experience." DH is pissed because if this is true and BM is working part-time up here, then that means SS is left in GF's custody part- time. He feels that if BM can't be with SS, then we should have him, but we know that will never happen and we aren't willing to waste anymore time/money on a useless court battle, so for now we just accept it. GF does take good care of SS and we do like her, but that's not the point; SS should be with one of his parents. Makes me think about BM's favorite line used to abuse DH: "Well if SS isn't going to be with you, then there is no point on having visitation." Wonder if the same rule applies for custodial parents...
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That's extremely frustrating,
That's extremely frustrating, and essentially impossible to prove unless GF is willing to rat out BM and stop taking care of SS. I agree that it's a double standard. I think the only thing your DH and you can really do is just know that BM is full of hot air whenever she bites at DH. SS will likely hit a point where he'll be mad at BM for just running off every weekend to work/sleep with this colleague (I love my job, but there is no one I would run off 6 hours away to work with on my weekends off unless it wasn't purely professional). She'll get her comeuppance at some point.
Unfortunately, we took BM to
Unfortunately, we took BM to court for more visitation in 2019 and it was a total bust; $30k and a year in court to gain absolutely nothing - why? "Because a child needs their mother." The judge also would not grant us ROFR because of the long distance. The judge told us to stay out of court because he will never change his ruling. We will not go back to court. BM will not offer us more time. We have begged for more time for years and she refuses, not even an extra day. She has made it clear that she and GF are SS' family and we are nothing.
GF would not want SS coming up here because visitation with DH diminishes her role as the "other parent." GF has made it clear that she wants kids and SS is a means to fulfill that need. Just yesterday, DH told SS we can see this new movie coming out when he visits this summer and SS said "I will have to ask my Mom if I am allowed to," then he proceeded to ask GF's permission. Like what? We had a lot of issues with GF fighting DH directly and undermining DH's authority and parenting because she felt she was entitled to make decisions about SS. It has gotten a little better over the years, but BM gives GF full parenting authority, so there isn't much we can do. This is one reason I thank God for long distance - I cant imagine fighting BM AND GF on the daily. GF gets to live out her dream of motherhood and BM gets to keep her control over DH, hefty CS, all while portraying the MOTY narrative for doing nothing.
I don't expect anything to change nor do I want it to change, but I just find the injustice and double standards of it all frustrating. I have been around, dealing with BM and now GF for 9 years now and this shit still bothers me. Our BM has done everything imaginable to try to exert control over DH and I and she has played the game flawlessly. We hear from BM every few weeks now, which is so much better than the daily abusive emails we used to receive, but it is still annoying that BM and GF can just do whatever they want and pretend we don't exist. I hope SS sees through it all someday, but I have a feeling he won't. We did fight and we have all the proof to provide SS one day if he asks, but that's it. It's hard to sit back and watch everything unfold, because we want better for SS, but we have done all we can do.
To be honest, I read all the
To be honest, I read all the time SS spend with GF as a sign that maybe BM and GF's relationship was faltering, but BM didn't want to take on the full responsiblity of parenting.
It is super shady and also crappy of her that she doesn't let your DH have more time, but rule #1 of HCBMing is that the BM is always only doing "what's in the best interest of the children". Rule #2 is that whatever the father of the children is saying, he is only saying because he is angry and trying to make BM look bad. Rule #3, a HCBM will fight to the death rather than give a cm to dad...even if giving up that cm would have no negative impact on her whatsoever...it's just all about winning.
I think your DH should ask BM what's going on since SS seems to mostly be with GF these days, but again, that might not be worth asking, because he'll likely just get a histrionic response that will somehow be turned around on him.
I wish we could ask BM and
I wish we could ask BM and have an honest and productive conversation. BM just doesn't operate that way. We cannot ask anything about BM or SS without being met with emotional abuse, gaslighting, and a lie. You could tell BM the sky is blue and she will argue that it's orange, that we are always wrong, that we did something 5 years ago that she disagreed with, that she hates us, and how dare we question her when we don't have the authority to do so.
You hit the nail on the head with rules 1, 2, and 3. We know nothing because BM is secretive in all aspects of her life. For example, BM helped SS mail a card to DH's grandparents last week and BM used BM's parents' address as the return address... why? Because BM didn't want DH's family having her personal address, even though we have her address and could have just given grandparents the address. BM lies or hides everything in her life, so even if we ask, she would never be honest. We don't know the status of BM and GF's relationship, we don't know about BM's employment, we don't know if BM is even with SS every day, we know nothing. At this point, we just ensure SS is safe and that his needs are met. That is all we can do.
Hi CastleJJ, nice to read you
Hi CastleJJ, nice to read you again.
As many others already said, you and DH can't tell a words about what BM is doing during her time.
Of course you can try to run another court battle, with no certitude. Which i understand you guys don't want.
The only thing you can do, is to be here for SS on your time..
BM really think SS is much better with her GF than his father. After all, she have choosen her right ?
And trust me, HCBM don't become cooler with the time. It will be more and more difficult to deal with her as SS grows up. Because BM wants a total control, wants to keep what she does secret from you. And the more SS will get older, the more it will be difficult for her to keep things secret. So new conflicts will appear.
Focus on your baby, on your new home. On your family and of course on SS when he's here.
Rules for HCBM are super smart, have them in mind
love