Final Days of SS10 Visit
SS10 returns back to BM's in 4 days. While I am ready for him to go home, his tune has changed now that he realizes he is going back. He has been having a lot of gastrointestinal issues in these past few days. When we ask him about it, he says it's nerves, but doesn't elaborate. This has happened before on previous visits when he knows he has to return to BMs. I wonder if he is anxious about the interrogation I am sure he will receive, but he refuses to open up about it so we don't push.
I understand that all kids go through transitions when they transition between households, but SS' transitions always seems weird. He is great for the first two or three days, like a flawless transition; then he is an asshole for 4 to 5 days, then he finishes off the last few days of visit great. If this is just the transitions, I would have expected him to struggle at the beginning and end, not in the middle, but I do understand that every kid is different and maybe he just processes it all differently.
We went to visit DH's family this past weekend. They live in the same city as BM's parents and it is the city DH and BM grew up in. SS lived there until he was 5 and then BM moved him out of state when she met GF. DH's family lives near the local airport, which has a plane viewing area, where you can park your car and watch the planes take off. We were there and SS looked around and noticed one of the huge buildings is the company that BM's GF works for. I guess BM and GF told SS that the company GF works for is one-of-a-kind and only located in their current state. SS freaked out and said "OMG we could move back! That is GF's company! They said there wasn't one here!" We ignored the statement and DH later told me that BM won't move back and if she did, it would be after SS turns 18, just to limit visitation with DH.
SS has been doing better at keeping himself occupied and helping out around the house. He is willing to help out without being asked and hasn't been as argumentative as he was. What really surprises me is his interaction with DD5months. Over the last few days, he has wanted to help more with her, giving her a pacifier, trying to calm her if she cries, playing with her. This morning, I was having trouble getting DD dressed because she was screaming and SS came in with toys and got her laughing. When we arrived at my Mom's for her to babysit DD and SS, SS immediately ran into the playroom, grabbed DD's bouncer and blanket, put both in front of the TV, and turned on Sesame Street. He wasn't asked or prompted to do this. SS cried to DH last night that the next time he visits in November, DD will be so big and so grown and he is sad that he will miss it all. DH told him that we can FaceTime and maybe consider a visit there this Fall. SS asked if he could make a scrapbook of all the photos he and DD have together, so he is at the craft store with my Mom right now, picking up some pieces for that.
Last night, SS also started talking about college and how he is struggling. DH and I chuckled, reminding SS that he has 8 years before college and to not stress. SS said he wants to go to a college in BM's state because he would be close to BM, GF, GF's family, any sibling that BM and GF give him (should that actually happen), and his childhood friends. But then, SS said he also considers going to school in our state because then he would be close to us, DD, my family, DH's family, BM's family, etc. DH really ramped up, encouraging him to consider our state, listing all the pros, and I could tell it was making SS uncomfortable. I shot DH a look and told SS that he has 8 years to decide and a lot can happen between now and then. I also told him that his happiness is most important and he is going to be missing family and friends regardless of where he goes, so whatever he decides in BM's state, our state, neither state, has to be what is best for him. I later told DH that it wasn't fair to push the issue; that by doing so, we are creating the same loyalty binds BM forces on him. I told DH that if SS wants a relationship with us, he will have one, but pushing him into something to try to force a relationship is only going to push him away.
In recent years, I have struggled with SS so much. His has become a mini BM and GF and it is so hard to have that personality and energy around for weeks at a time. I have struggled with the loyalty binds he experiences toward BM and GF. I have struggled with the seeming lack of care about us. I have struggled listening to all the stories about BM, GF, and their life together with SS. I have struggled with the entitlement and SS' rude, cocky, know-it-all attitude. I have struggled with SS constantly putting our home state down, while constantly bragging about the state BM moved them to. I know he is just a kid stuck in a difficult situation due to our high conflict dynamic with BM. I try to keep that in mind when I'm upset about all of it, that he is a child navigating this big situation and trying to keep both sides happy. It doesn't make it easier though. I hope the rest of his visit is great and that the exchange with BM goes smooth.
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Comments
To a 10 yo it's simple.. oooh
To a 10 yo it's simple.. oooh.. GF could work at the other office. But.. reality is that not all jobs are done in all offices so she may not even have that type of opportunity.. even if she wanted to do it.. (which as you said.. BM would likely be against anyway)
i agree with you about your DH not encouraging his child too much to consider one place or another.. I think the "there is plenty of time" idea is a fine one for a 10 yo. But, my YSD was always making "adult plans" when she was a kid.. most of it revolved around the fact that she would be rich and driving a Toyota Solara convertible.. lol.
And I understand that
And I understand that regardless of GF's company, the job may not be transferable. I just thought the comment was interesting. And even if it was transferable, we know BM would never move back while SS is a minor because it is too close to us and we would be granted more visitation.
That's sweet that he's taken
That's sweet that he's taken to his sister.
Is it possible that BM says something to him around the day 4-5 mark. For example, "don't you miss me and GF?!" Or in our case, BM would text incessantly saying "are you okay?" and when SS would say "yes" she would say, "are you sure?!"
When BM and GF call him,
When BM and GF call him, every 4 days or so, they don't ask him anything. They just tell him what they are doing with work and free time and they repeat "we miss you bud" over and over again. Recently, they have been really hyping up the vacation they are taking with him after they pick him up this weekend. I think that is the stuff that gets to him. He probably feels like he is missing out and it makes him want to be home.
I could definitely see BM being super
petty in your situation to not move back until your SS turns 18. She loves to control everything and if she moved closer she would more than likely have to give up being able to control SS majority of the time and it would make your DH happy. BM doesn't want your DH to be happy nor does she want him to have more time/more of an influence on your SS.
And more's the pity.
And more's the pity.
Regarding the tummyaches,
Regarding the tummyaches, Killjoy had those, big time. It's a crime for SS to enjoy his time with you. These narcissists pretend to be omniscient, making a statement about the things they suspect and wait for Skidly to confirm or deny. He can't avoid the interrogation, or the emotional abuse that comes with it.
He is resposible for BM's happiness, so he worries about her when he is with you. It's called Separation Anxiety Disorder.
He probably doesn't know the word for how he feels. Maybe ask him if he's nervous about going back to BM.
It sucks watching a kid
It sucks watching a kid struggle with transitions. When YSK was younger, their anxiety and unease would manifest in physical symptoms, usually digestive and bladder problems. Sleep issues, particularly insomnia and nightmares, were also really frequent. It hurt watching them suffer and not being able to do anything about it beyond treat the symptoms. Now that they live with us, the biggest problem when they are with us is nightmares, but the insomnia seems to kick in hardcore when they stay with ET.
It doesn't shock me that your SS has medical problems when he is with BM that don't manifest when he's with you all. Your requirements of him are in-line with what is appropriate for his age, and you don't make him choose loyalties. He is loved in your house regardless of his behavior and loyalty binds, etc. You may not *like* him at certain points, but there isn't a threat that he'll be dumped by you all if he says he loves BM/GF or gets an attitude. As frustrating as it is, him being able to be "rebellious" with you all is a sign of comfort and security he has with you. Took a very long time for me to accept that with the SKs.
It's just so annoying. I feel
It's just so annoying. I feel like they get this perfectly behaved angel at home and we get the kid who has major baggage and can't regulate.
I promise you, he isn't
I promise you, he isn't perfect at home. You know BM isn't going to ever admit that he's anything other than perfect.
Just think about some of the things she has been getting him tested for. Oh, he MUST be a genius, and if he isn't, he must have a learning disability - that MUST be what's wrong! Or, he doesn't listen in class or like doing his homework because he's a kid.
Oh, he MUST have some sensory issue because he walks on his toes and needs all this therapy and sports! Or, he walks on his toes out of boredom or attention or whatever.
My point is that BM will spin any negative behavior to make it some sort of chronic but treatable condition that doesn't look bad on her. We dealt with similar things from ET for a long time, until both kids were older and she couldn't control their acting out anymore. Suddenly YSK went from having autism to "they just hate me as their mother!" No ET, you were ALWAYS the problem; you just can't hide it behind random diagnoses anymore.
I get your feelings, I really do. But know that IF BM is keeping SS in line, it's not in a way that is healthy or beneficial to him (at least based off what you've said about her). Being controlled out of fear and misplaced loyalty isn't the same as being a well-adjusted and good kid. That does not mean you accept or tolerate his poor behavior. Just don't let the perception that he's a "golden boy" for his "mommies" become the lens you see SS through.