Email From BM
SS returned to BM at the beginning of July, so it has been about 6 weeks since we have seen him. DH has been face timing SS twice per week, but SS has been mostly quiet, forcing DH to hold the conversation. SS is reluctant to share any part of his life at BM's with us, which I'm sure is part of his PAS programming. DH, DD18months, and I have been working hard to get back to "life as normal" without SS. We were considering going to BM land to visit SS over Labor Day weekend, but financially there is no way we could swing it. Hotels that weekend are $300/night in their area, not including gas, food, and activities. I did the math and even on the cheap side, it would be an $800 weekend at minimum.
Tonight, BM emails DH with the following updates:
1. SS11 "bit his teeth" (which WTF? How does one bite their teeth?) while playing so BM made an urgent dentist appointment for tomorrow because she found a "tiny white spot" on his tooth.
2. SS11's school fees were $64 this year (that's great BM, you are using your hefty CS to pay those. We aren't giving you another cent.) By her not asking for money, but telling us the cost, it is her hoping that we would offer to split. Not happening.
3. BM and GF don't feel that SS can handle 4 days of football, plus games every weekend and foreign language lessons every Saturday, and school so they are making him drop the foreign language for now. BM said that SS is set to be a prominent position on the team if he "puts in extra effort" and the coach has already taught GF all the plays so she can practice with him outside of practice. So 4 days of practice (at 2 hours each) and games every weekend aren't enough, he needs more practice.
Things must be boring in BM land if BM is bothering us with this crap. All has been silent for 6 weeks so I guess she needs something to communicate about to stay relevant. DH just responded "Thanks for the updates." If I were her, I'd be focused on her wedding that's just over a month away instead of worrying about a white spot on SS' tooth.
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Comments
Sounds like a money grab,
Sounds like a money grab, trying to play on yours and DH's emotions of missing SS and implying that money would make up for it. I'm glad you and DH are sticking to the brief responses, she's probably trying to just rub it in too. I'm sorry SS is so hesitant to talk about whatever he is doing at BM's. My skids act very similar, sometimes I feel like we are interrogating them just to find out how their week was. They won't offer up the information so they won't feel like they're betraying their mom, but they won't ignore us completely. YSD will spill the beans to SO when they are alone though, as long as OSD and SS arent around so there is no risk of them snitching to BM on her.
I understand that kind of transition and how much time it can take to feel even a little normal... it's taken me weeks to get over the anger of BM and family court and today is probably the first time I've felt even close to normal. Don't let her disturb your peace or your getting back to normal life.
This SKid so lost the mom lottery.
He will deal with that baggage his entire life.
Not sure how to resolve that before it happens, since BM is the CP. I guess the good news, if there is any, is that BM is keeping SS's dad informed.
Though with her, and considering how inane this contact is, it appears that this is some type of manipulation perpetrated by BM and the GF. That SS is not speaking to his dad while BM feeds inane crap, is setting off all kinds of alarm bells.
What do you think is going on?\
What wedding manipulation could they be formulating?
SS would talk to me about SpermLand drama. Much more openly than he would his mom. I think he was looking for support but did not want to upset BM. He still does this. SS may be be doing his version of this. Not wanting to upset his dad, or you.
Unfortunately, there really
Unfortunately, there really isn't a way to prevent anything with SS. He will be fully influenced by BM and GF due to proximity. He is with them 308 days a year. We try to maintain the relationship, calling twice a week (and never missing a call), exercising visitation, and being age appropriately honest with SS, reminding him about how much we love and want him.
SS11 is much more open and honest with DH and I about his life at BM's when he is with us, even if it is sometimes negative toward BM and GF. When we facetime him at BM's, I think he is quiet because he knows BM is likely listening and he will likely get hell for sharing anything BM doesn't want us knowing, which is everything. If we ask "what have you been up to?" the answer is "not much." Everything is "yup" or "nope." DH and I either really have to pull information out of him, even basic stuff like how's the weather or how's school. We have to carry the conversation to maintain the relationship when SS is with BM.
I think part of BM's email was a money grab attempt and the other part was rubbing it in that GF is doing so much to help SS practice since DH can't since we aren't local and aren't allowed. GF is "the Dad" in the equation in BM's eyes and BM loves to rub that in to DH. I don't think there is any manipulation surrounding their wedding. Has BM been super secretive on the topic, absolutely. Has she tried to "drop hints" about it to DH, thinking she is sparking jealousy, I'm sure, but DH and I could give two shits about their upcoming wedding.
What a shame that he is dropping the foreign language to play
What a shame that he is dropping the foreign language to play football - giving up something he can use for a lifetime for something that will end by the time he graduates. Her priorities are so messed up - just like SS's body will be with all that practice.
SS is scrawny as hell. He has
SS is scrawny as hell. He has height, but would snap like a twig. He has no real future in football and DH and I both know that. Hell, BM even knows that and has told SS that she won't allow him to play in college due to safety. There is no benefit to SS playing college football for BM because CS will be over and using football to prevent DH's parenting time won't be an issue anymore. SS has told us that BM demands he play through high school but nothing more. We know BM just needs SS to play through high school to keep the PAS going, keep the high CS flowing, and to keep DH from getting more time. SS plays sports year-round with no break to prevent DH from gaining anymore visitation and BM uses these promises of athletic excellence to document that SS is excelling in case we ever went back to court (which we won't).
Unfortunately, the foreign language SS is learning isn't actually widely used, rendering it somewhat useless. It's not like Spanish or French that could help him with career prospects in the future. It is a language BM wanted him to learn because it is her genealogy so she has been pushing it hardcore. We can tell that BM is on this kick that if she brainwashes SS into thinking that her genealogy is SS' only heritage, then she can erase DH's heritage from the equation. It's worked because we have had to remind SS repeatedly that he is 50% BM and 50% DH which SS is still confused by. SS believes he is 100% BM, but also getting biological and physical traits from GF, which is another WTF moment. SS has been over scheduled since he was 5 so I was a little surprised BM cut back on the language piece. I'm sure she will re-enroll him in language lessons in the Fall after football is over.
BM "won't allow him to play in college". Really?
He will be 18. BM can F-off at that point. Though the odds of any kid playing NCAA football at any level, are slim. If SS gets that opportunity based on his talent, mommy can give an opinion. But she cannot stop it if SS decides to play.
This BM has an over inflated opinion of her standing. Hopefully SS will figure that fact out before he allows her to ruin his life as an adult as she is ruining his childhood.
I'm curious to see how SS11
I'm curious to see how SS11 develops as a teenager/young adult. Will he finally grow sick of BM's control and rebel or will he become further enmeshed in the narcissistic tendencies, toxicity, and dysfunction? I am also curious how our relationship with SS will be as he gets older. Will we stay close? Will we have no relationship because SS cuts us off? Will he eventually prefer us over BM? Only time will tell.
Right now, SS has no individual identity apart from BM. If BM wants it, SS wants it. If BM doesn't want it, SS doesn't want it. He cannot think or formulate his own opinions, likes/dislikes, wants/needs. SS just parrots whatever BM tells him he wants/needs/likes/dislikes. When we try to show fault in BM/SS' logic, it's like SS' brain malfunctions. He doesn't know why he thinks or feels the way he does, he just knows he does because BM says so.
Secretive. That's a word we
Secretive. That's a word we know well here. We get very little information from the SDs. And the grandkids have been trained well. I foolishly thought asking about school was acceptable. I once asked one grandkids (second grade that year) who her teacher was that year and she got a deer in the headlights look and said she didn't remember. The grandkids got to stay with us one day (parents had no other option) and I said school was starting soon. One looked at the other and asked 'can we tell'. Big secret was that their room assignments had come in the mail. We are on a very limited information diet.
We are somewhat used to that
We are somewhat used to that "deer in headlights" look. We definitely get it occasionally, especially if SS' newsworthy highlights involve BM and GF. Usually we get that look of "do I or don't I tell" when SS first arrives for visitation or he's getting ready to go back to BM's. He is a lot more open and easy going in the middle of a visit, once he gets comfortable with us. He usually tells us more during that time, often without being prompted. We never make SS feel bad for what he tells us either.
My mom volunteered at the GK's school for several years.
Until she realized that the lazy teachers were expecting the volunteers to do all of hteir work. Lunch monitoring, recess/playground monitoring/art projects and class room clean up.... Mom eventually told them to do their damned job then went and had a talk with the principal. That went over like a fart in church with the teachers. But, they were instructed to stop being lazy and do their damned jobs.
The school called and asked mom to return for the next year. She agreed on the condition that she was at the school when she felt like and not when the lazy teachers whined about needing help.
Being the class Gramma gets a ton of information.
Give that a try if you live in their area.
Rags- I am not sure what you
Rags- I am not sure what you think a teacher's work consists of or should be. Yes, the things you mentioned are part of what happens each day, but they are not the work of teaching math, reading, etc. The things you mentioned are what volunteers, in many schools, do to take some of the workload off teachers. While the volunteer is lunch monitoring, the teacher is quickly eating lunch, using the rest room, and getting ready for the afternoon lessons.
Like most professions, things evolve. Not always for the better.
I recall teachers cars being in the school parking lot hours before and hours after classes started and let out. Now, parking lots at schools are empty from shortly after school lets out until shortly before classes start in the AM.
I recenty read an article where a district agreed to 7.5hr work days for teachers. Not even a 40 hour work week. for ~9mos of work each year. Salaried professionals do not have standard work days. They do the job in whatever time it takes to do it. If they can't do it in 8hrs, they work more than 8hrs. Teachers are not hourly employees. They are salaried. If they want shift work, they should choose hourly roles.
How many stories here have covered how parents can't get information from teachers, teachers are not grading kids work for weeks after it is submitted if at all, teachers standing on the erronious position that they are the parents. I get that many parents do not parent. However, parenting is not the purvue of a teacher.
When SS-31 started kindergarten a letter came home from his first day talking about how parents had done their job and it was the teachers turn now. Parents were to let go and let the teachers..... That same teacher climbed my ass for teaching SS phonics while the school was teaching "sight reading". I got sick of SS guessing words, so in a long weekend I showed him phonics and... he could read. No guessing. He was already reating before he started Kindergarten. He regressed under the sight reading model until I ended that crap and re-engaged phonics. Then we had the new math. More guessing and no ability to show his work. So, I taught him how to structure math problems and work through the solution steps. I got my butt chewed again by another teacher. We had to call the district when the teachers punished my SS with poor grades, when he was a top performer in his class, because he knew how to read instead of guess, and knew how to work math problems in a tructured repeatable manner rather than just write an answer on a piece of paper. I was told, that I am not a teacher and these were evolved teaching methodologies. Lol.
And now... we have uninvolved parents and teachers who may have to dodge violence from students and parents, and are failing both as teachers and in parenting students because they can't just teach. That they have no business parenting students in the first place isn't the fault of the teacher. IMHO, teachers should have the absolute support of the administration, support of actively involved parents, should teach the curriculum (not share their opinions), grade their papers, maintain behavioral order in schools, and .... enjoy their summers.
A teachers job, is to educate off of a curriculum. Not provide opinions, not parent. Teach the curriculum.
There were no volunteers during my school years. Teachers, coaches, the principal, the office administrator., the janitor. Back when our education system was the best of the best in the world. OECD rankings put the US near the middle. A far cry from our historic perfornace levels. Back when parents actually parented. And teachers could just teach.
I would stay employed for about half a day, max, as a teacher. Ill behaved spawn would be out of my class and not come back. I would have a paddle hanging from the front of my desk, in full sight of students any number of ill behaved student butts would cringe at the sight of. The first parent or kid that assaulted me would be swimming in pepper spray.
How teachers do what they do in this day and age, is beyond me.
Standard Operating Procedure
For the HCGUBM.
1. Listening in and monitoring phone calls to father and SM.
2. Hinting for more money/ having skids ask for money
3. Telling skids not to say anything to father/SM. Everything is on a "need to know" basis therefore father and SM are treated like mushrooms (kept in the dark and treated like dirt).
4. Munchausens-- every scratch is blown into an amputation.
5. Confusing skids about heritage-- claiming skids are "test tube babies" and get all their traits from BM and her partner. Aka trying to erase father's heritage/side of the family. Skid is an actual appendage of BM.
6. Enrolling skids in everything under the sun (without dad's consent, of course) to jack up the CS and limit contact/ bonding with father and SM. Also makes the BM look like MOTY.
7. Attempting to make father jealous of BM moving on..."see what you've given up?"
In our case, the Girhippo ticked every one of the above boxes to all 3 skids. They're grown now but the programming remains fully entrenched.
Exactly why the kids should get the facts. Every fact.
Age appropriately of course.
When the toxic opposition pulls this crap, kids armed with the facts will know their lying and with the confidence of knowledge and the support of the quality parent and SParent can protect themselves from toxic shallow and polluted end of their gene pool.
SS would come home from SpermLand visitation asking questions about toxic crap piled on him while he was wallowing in the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool. So, he was given the facts that clarified their crap. He knew where the Costody/Visitation/Support file cabinets were. We reviewed the CO, SpermDaddy's arrest records (Gun violations, gang arrests, etc...), divorce from the underage girl he married to avoid prison, the County Supplemental Rules, the State Regulations, call logs and journals, screaming answering machine messages on tape, the court recordings from court hearings, PI reports, etc....
Facts protect the kid, and they prevent the toxic from hiding. Though even with the facts, kids in these situations cannot escape the influence of the shallow and polluted end of their gene pool unscathed. There are invariably life long issues that these kids experience. But, they do not have to tolerate a life of ignorance on the manipualtions of the toxic side of their extended families.
Hilarious that she thinks
Hilarious that she thinks college football is too dangerous, but she'll let him play in middle school. So many brain injuries happen in middle and high school because the kids aren't skilled enough to tackle properly yet. But I guess logic has never quite been there with her, has it? I know y'all don't want to engage with her, but I'd be very tempted to ask her to explain the wisdom of prioritizing football over an academic pursuit. What a dummy.
Since BM holds sole legal
Since BM holds sole legal custody, asking questions like that or trying to make that point just leads to a tyrade of narcissistic abuse. We would be reminded of how BM is sole custodial and can do whatever she wants and that DH is a deadbeat. It's totally not worth it especially since BM will just do it anyway. Logic doesn't apply to BM in these situations if it doesn't suit the agenda she is trying to push. She will constantly contradict herself if it suits her wants.
SS has been playing football since he was 5 and we have expressed our opinion on the matter. We think it is absolutely insane and unhealthy because his specific program focuses a lot on weight and "bulking up." They were doing weekly weigh ins on these kids and doing 4 day a week practices in kindergarten. DH told BM that this type of behavior could cause eating disorders, obsession over body image, body dysmorphia, and even steroid use once he's older. DH also mentioned risk of concussion or injury on his developing brain and body. Plus, his coach has a toxic masculinity complex and has taught these boys very toxic and unsportsmanlike ways. BM doesn't care because it's "what SS wants," which is code for "what BM wants to keep SS away from DH" since the courts only denied more visitation time because it would interfere with sport obligations. SS likes football but I think he sometimes wishes it didn't consume his life. He has vocalized that it sometimes feels like too much or he dreads football season starting up.
This is purely for the "what
This is purely for the "what's in it for her" factor. SS playing MS and HS football means a tribe of football moms and friends. They walk mom's on fields for appreciation nights. There are stickers for the car. There are special shirts to wear. They are part of a club.
Foreign language- no recognition for her. Therefore, no good.
BINGO! Plus it keeps DH away
BINGO! Plus it keeps DH away and prevents us from gaining more visitation and it's free childcare for several hours in the evening so BM can drop him off for two hours and go live her life, so it's a win-win-win for BM.
UPDATE: BM emailed DH back
UPDATE: BM emailed DH back about SS' tooth after the urgent dental visit. Per BM, the dentist said it is "minor enough to not need repair" (read non-existent injury) but that if "the tooth swells, hurts, or becomes discolored, call back." I'm almost 30 and I have never in my life heard of a tooth swelling... So yet again, BM raced SS to a medical professional for a non-existent issue, which we figured. DH says that BM is "the mayor of tartville" and he can't believe her stupidity.