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Aspergers that isn't Aspergers

CAROLINE COLLINS's picture

Submitted by CAROLINE COLLINS on Sat, 04/17/2010 - 7:01am

My daughter is an 11yr old with Asperger's. It took a long time for a psychiatrist and psychologist to work this out and all along I knew but I'm not educated like the professionals so I took their word for their diagnosis most time but I know deep in my heart she's Aspergers in which she was diagnosed in 2006.
My ex-husband has been violent towards me during and after the marriage and is a big time farmer who made me always feel that maybe he was right and I am wrong............
He used to say that my daughter just needed a kick up the ass and positive parenting wasn't going to help her. I left with the girls to the nearest city that had a day-care to help take care of my daughter because I was so tired I just wanted to sleep but she hated day-care.
What am I talking about this was 8yrs ago but I can't get over the pain in my heart and the tightness in my throat. When she goes back to dad's after holidays I always tell myself that this is what he would have felt when he had to give the children back and no one wins this fight.
I'm about to give up the fight though. I'm nearly ready to stand back after i do everything in my power to make my husband acknowledge that after all these years our daughter is Asperger's and needs help asap. I can't do the tantrums, violence, mood-swings and split personality changes anymore. I try to get help but I can't do anything when he refuses to let me. I can't afforde for her to be the brunt of her shoves and hits anymore. I'm so tired I could cry. I have cried the last two days and I thought about nothing else. My daughter wants to come but her Asperger's makes her life so ritual

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CAROLINE COLLINS's picture

Submitted by CAROLINE COLLINS on Sat, 04/17/2010 - 5:43pm

No I've already 'kidnapped' her once because he didn't like her talking on the phone to me or her seeing me because I think her anxiety about the change of location was too much for him to bear so by cutting me off he thought that would be better. He took me to court and it was another $25k after the $450k spent over 6yrs because he wouldn't pay child support so it was a pandora's box with him and his father. The court awarded him custody because of her school marks........low and behold her step mum was the teacher and she received all 'a's & 'b's for the first time in her life. now she's been with a different teacher in the small school with step mum who obviously doesn't get into the politics of it all and she's back to 'c's & 'd's. Now my daughter is smart with facts and figures but when she was diagnosed with 'as' the psych still was a bit unsure about the diagnosis and wanted many follow up appointments. Unfortunately her 'non-verbal' learning ability on a percentage scale was 2%. Violence has been common for Ashen from a young age because she's witnessed her parents fighting and during most changeovers there was violence and because Dad speaks badly about me and to me she doesn't know any different. And yes I've been 'passive' but we lived 4hrs from city and I'm loaded with my own health issues in which I cannot drive long distance and i had to rely on others to help me drive and they are few and far between in rural areas. I've sinced moved to the city last year and I have been spending so much money in my lawyer's firm having letters sent to the ex to get Ashen help etc and now my husband now says no more. I am currently trying to go down another avenue but that takes time and I have to pay off my law bill before anything else happens.

So I am trying and no I couldn't take her a second time, the stress is to great on everyone.

CAROLINE COLLINS's picture

Submitted by CAROLINE COLLINS on Sat, 04/17/2010 - 5:54pm

I just can't take her to a hospital because I only have her for one week during term holidays and she's 11yr and been trained by him to ring him as soon as I'm seen to be doing something like that.
I've made an appointment with her clinical psych that diagnosed her in 2006 and sent ex a letter saying that he should do it for her sake or if he doesn't want to I'll take her. If he refuses me or to do it himself i'm currently in the process of getting help to make sure he does take her. And yes when she is startled she turns into the incredible hulk and yes I too know as her mum that it's not all adding up.
Her step-mum took her to optometrist and accepted the statemnt that she was fine so I took her the following week to specialist she saw and I recommended that he take her back to and the specialist was disappointed that he hadn't seen her sooner as her horizontal line is higher than ours or something and so she reads things differently. It's up to husband to buy the glasses because I cannot afford them and if he doesn't that's another thing to argue about in court.
I am trying and no I can't get her on any drugs because last time she was in my custody he tried to strangle me during changeover in front of witnesses and girls and he got a $500 fine and a vro and the 3 of us girls fell into a heap and thats when I gave her to him because I thought that he might realise how much help she does need and if she stayed with me I was contemplating suicide for all three of us and that wasn't fair but I was in a terrible state of mind. giving her her up was and has been the hardest, worst and terrible thing I've ever done and I have to live with it every day.

Selkie's picture

Submitted by Selkie on Sat, 04/17/2010 - 11:26am

Am I correct in assuming that your daughter lives with your husband? And he's the reason why you can't get help for her?

The mood swings and temper tantrums may be simply hormones. She's at the age for it.

You need to find a way to get stronger so that you can stand up to your husband and get your daughter the help she needs. Her behaviour is going to get much, much worse if you remain passive and controlled.

Find your inner mama bear and get to work.

CAROLINE COLLINS's picture

Submitted by CAROLINE COLLINS on Sat, 04/17/2010 - 6:03pm

I'm trying to find the strength but strength comes in the form of $ and lawyers but things are slowly changing for the better there as I investigate other avenues of help.
my ex rings my husband and laughs at the latest letter my lawyer has sent and says he doesn't have to take her anywhere unless my husband spends lots of money in the family court trying to get orders in place.

Everyone that has commented I am trying, I'm far from passive but with a mind full of lithium, sifrol, efexor, thyroxcine, celebrex (from injury related to husband) I'm not fast moving as I would like. It seems the more I try to do something the more the medication I'm thrown on so I start to question myself and wonder am I one of those mums that has the munchauzen's symdrome or am i just a hypochrondriac? Or am I a crazy c*** like my ex always loves to call me? I don't know and sometimes I just have to take a few months off from it all to try and work it out.

Please God give me the strength to work it out.

Selkie's picture

Submitted by Selkie on Sat, 04/17/2010 - 6:11pm

Your ex sounds like the devil himself. I feel for you. There's only so much you can do. Maybe your focus should be on getting yourself better. Your ex will experience his own problems with your daughter. Hopefully that will prompt him to get her some help.

herewegoagain's picture

Submitted by herewegoagain on Sun, 04/18/2010 - 1:39am

You may very well have undiagnosed Asperger's too...go to www.wrongplanet.net and read posts about adults with Asperger's...you might find that you have something in common...believe me, I did...also go here and read about adults...find the adult Asperger's checklist...http://www.tonyattwood.com.au/

Your daughter needs you...you can only truly help her when you are well emotionally yourself...pm me if you need to...my kiddo is Asperger's or "high functioning autism"...have 3 different diagnosis for him.

Bettina's picture

Submitted by Bettina on Thu, 06/24/2010 - 6:51am

Caroline.....

Please PM me....I have a 19 year old son with Aspergers who I have worked indepth with. I have some ideas for you that will help and I understand that sometimes it is very exhausting! I have not only worked with my sons social development in my own home but have also worked with many children in the public school system. I know some alternative ways of learning for these children. I would like for you to fill me in as the severity of it all will dictate which direction I should send you.
Also there is a very good book out there that will let you into how her mind works. It is called "Look Me In the Eyes".
These children are truly gifts the list of people who have changed our world have has Aspergers.....Bill Gates, Albert Eisnstein, Tom Hanks and even Marilyn Monroe was said to have Aspergers.

Take a deep breath......I am here for you if you need anything.
Anything from how you can have things set up for her in the school setting to how to deal with teaching her appropriate social skills.

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Thu, 06/24/2010 - 11:49pm

Umm my son is aspbergers and he NOT like that at all! He is very passive and the if your google aspbergers you will get the symptoms, that is Not the symptoms. It mainly has to do with social clueness. I am sorry you are going through all that. hugs to you. But I would deff. look up her symptoms. good luck

I do have to say it was very hard and draining when he was younger. Homework forget about it. Meds forget that too, he still won't take pills. I think you could use someone to talk to about what to do and how to handle it.