Alone
Is anybody out there? I am new to this site and I feel utterly alone. No one really understands what I'm going through - my own husband doesn't know how to comfort me. It breaks my heart. I feel hopeless and alone...Yesterday my 18SD told me how she really feels about me. Part of me is glad she's finally being honest, but the other part of me is hurting. Let's just say she didn't pull any punches. I could use a friend right now...
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Welcome
Read the blogs here and you will definitely know you are NOT alone by a longshot!
Hold your head high.
Do not let go of pride, dignity, and confidence of your value and the worth of your presence just because an 18 year old child did not validate you. You do not need her validation. She will most likely always be biased towards you because your presence solidifies the fact that she will never see a happy ending with her parents reuniting. So the f*ck what. Boo boo. Divorce is not uncommon. Biological parents parting ways is not uncommon. It is no excuse for her to treat you like a punching bag or make your life feel less wonderful. If two grown adults are not happy with one another and are not finding everything they need and desire within that relationship, even after creating humans together, then it is simply selfish for the child to bitterly insist/want them to live in misery together. She is old enough to put on her big girl panties and accept that simple truth.
And if she can’t, at your expense and the expense of your daily mental well-being, then stop letting her waste space in your life. Tolerate her only when you have to. Be cordial and leave it at that. Do not give her any more chances to take a steaming sh*t on you. Maybe one day she’ll know what to do with the opportunity to have a second mother but until then, only nurture relationships with people who will actually treat you right.
Hi! Welcome butterfly! You
Hi! Welcome butterfly! You are not alone. Wish I had some wise advice, but i don't. I have a SD17 and man, it's so trying.
I am sorry you got stung. I
I am sorry you got stung. I recommend disengaging.
I also read that you told her you were her parent ( https://www.steptalk.org/forum/parenting/adult-stepchildren/was-introduc...) not a great move. You are not her parent.
I hope you feel better soon.
I am sorry you got stung. I
I am sorry you got stung. I recommend disengaging.
I also read that you told her you were her parent ( https://www.steptalk.org/forum/parenting/adult-stepchildren/was-introduc...) not a great move. You are not her parent.
I hope you feel better soon.
You have to let go of your fantasy
You are not her mother, She has a mother. She does not need two mothers. You are the one keeping her mother and father from being together again. Being a happy family. It will always be your fault. Everything is your fault.
Disengement. Don’t do anything for her. Don’t spend any money on her. She has a mother for that. Forget her birthday, Holidays ect, forget about her.
Do not let how an 18 year old
Do not let how an 18 year old feels about you make you feel hopeless and alone.
I will admit that I was a bit hurt when I found out what my SD really thought about me but in the long run, I don't care. She has been fed countless of lies by her BM and she is going to believe them until her death and that's fine, it's her loss.
Submitted by butterflygirl03 on Sun, 06/16/2019 - 11:22pm
My SD informed me today that I am "not her parent" I am "just her dad's wife".
Her saying that you are "just her dad's wife" is just a fact, don't let it bother you. Focus on your relationship with your husband.
Thank you for all your
Thank you for all your responses. My husband has always had my back, which is why his relationship is so rocky with his own daughter. I hate that, but i know it's not my fault. He just doesn't know what to say to comfort me when she hurts me. It hurts him to see me get hurt, but he doesn't know what to do. So I am trying to find other outlets for my frustrations, which is why i ended up here. I have never called myelf SD's mom (and i never will). But I am her parent - a stepparent, but still a parent. When i met my husband, he had full custody of his girls and I helped him raise them. But ex decided she didn't like that, so she started coming back around and eventually took custody back (half and half) so she didn't have to pay child support (which she wasn't paying anyways). And then it all went to shit. I love my SD, truly i do. I don't want to disown her or cut her off. I want to be there for her, but it's so hard when she continually pushes me away. I am a peaceful person. I have a great relationship with my other SD who's younger and lives with us fulltime. I don't expect to have the same level of relationship with older SD18 who has been living with mom since 14 but I do wish for peace. Over the years, she has mostly just talked trash behind my back to her sister (who reports it to me). I have always taken the higher ground and tried to love her through it. I never confronted her about it. But she is 18 now and I figured it was time to have a truthful, adult conversation about how she really feels about us. If she can't tell us to our faces, then things can never change. She went off on me for something small and unrelated and it opened the door for everything else to come out and I just kept taking it and taking it and responding with love and truth each time. But she is still a child and it seems like as long as her mom has a hold on her, she will never be able to see me differently or see me as an ally in her life which makes me sad. I am not good with being at war with my family so it hurts. But I have gotten better at it over the years because I've had no choice. I have disconnected before and we will go months or even a year without really speaking or seeing each other and then for whatever reason she will start coming around again. But it feels unfair that she is always the one pushing away and hurting people and coming back whenever she chooses (usually around the holidays) as if nothing ever happened. I would love to just let her go and say to heck with her, but I just can't.
I would love to just let her
I would love to just let her go and say to heck with her, but I just can't.
I understand where you're coming from but for your own well being and sanity you have to let this go. You have to disengage and create boundaries to protect yourself. She won't be able to further hurt you if you don't let her. Love yourself enough to not allow her to abuse you this way. You've been a great SM and your conscience is clear that you have done right by her and only did your best. You can sleep well at night knowing that you gave it your all and sometimes the best thing you can do is just let it go.