and it blows up
so DH did the dishes I left in the sink. I thanked him and thought we moved on. Later we get in a fight about how I'm rude to ss15 and pick fights about the stupidest shit. I said that I don't appreciate having to clean up after them when they're here and by the time they are supposed to go home so i can chill out again ss15 decided to stay another week!!!! I said i know how he doesn't understand because ss15 is his kid and not mine but i can't stand how he does NOTHING all day long and after i come home from work there's dishes everywhere, my lunch food has been eaten and he still complains that there's nothing in the house to eat. GO THE FUCK HOME TO YOUR MOTHER THEN!!!!!! DH said that if i 'm goign to be a bitch about everything that he would just start doing everything for them so i dont' have to worry about it. he says he's done it before he can take care of them on his own again. I said all he has to do is have them help around the house, again he tells me that it's not there responsibility to clean OUR house...really even when they're here contributing to making the messes??? NOPE.
fine. he wants to take care of the little ss15 shithead - he can. when they're there i'm not cooking, i'm not cleaning, i'm not buying the groceries. DH will soon realize that i'm doing more than he thinks. it's not just cleaning up after them that i'm quitting.
DH asks me this morning if i'm done being stupid. I said that i'm at a loss for what to do with the skids. he said just roll with the punches. i tell DH that it feels like i'm knocked on the ground from all the punches and he's standing over me laughing. he said to figure it out if i want to be a part of his life because the kids aren't going away. this i realize - i want to cry about the remaining 3 years of ss15 coming for visitation. i'll try the super disengaging and if not there's got to be some sort of mood calming drug right??
- dakotamom's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Yes, let him do it ALL! It
Yes, let him do it ALL! It will only be a matter of time before everything starts to buckle. Let's see how long they last.
I'd be super-ticked, too. A
I'd be super-ticked, too. A classic case of a simple (yet, not an easy) situation spiralling out of control.
It took me a little bit to learn how to do this, but the first thing I had to do when confronted with an issue like this is CALM DOWN. Much easier said than done, especially when you know you're right, but I had to figure out how to have a truly rational conversation about it (no sarcasm, no pointing the finger, etc) and calmly state my problem and feelings. Usually, BF would initially get super defensive, and again I had to remain calm. If I got this far, I found that about 90% of the work was done-BF is rational also, and, if given some time to think about what I had calmly stated, he was able to see my side. This sets us up for being able to work out something, and if I were to be honest, just hearing him say 'OK, I can see why you're upset' made me feel just as good as the solution we came up with for the problem. Its about feeling appreciated, for me.
If things turn into an argument, thats when no solution would be reached and both of us would go off trying to 'even the score' by saying unhelpful things like 'the kids aren't going away, so deal with it' or refusing to do any work at all (but you never know-maybe your DH will start to appreciate the work you do, or maybe he'll just become more resentful at being made to do it).
If none of that works...cry. From my dad to my brother to BF...guys don't know how to handle it
this must be a classic bd
this must be a classic bd line:
"he would just start doing everything for them so i dont' have to worry about it. he says he's done it before he can take care of them on his own again. "
dh has said that a time or two, too...... makes me so mad, it misses the whole point.... i hate when they're dick heads..
at least the dishes are done!!
My sister-in-law has a cute
My sister-in-law has a cute wooden sign that hangs in her kitchen, it says:
"Nobody realizes what I do around here...until I don't do it."
I really have to find me one of those
that's the thing
that's the thing stepkate...i'm fearful that he'll start to resent me for making him deal with his kids messes and then we're both pissed at each other because of the kids when they aren't with us. will it cause a rift between us or cause him to maybe think the skids can clean up after themselves??
we can't have a calm conversation because the second it turns into a skids issue he gets irritated and talks louder and when i try to talk back to him he's shut down and says i'm just attacking his kids and it's pointless to even try. i try not to say all of the evil things i think about the skids. i do this pretty well. i dont' admit to him that i think ss15 is a fat disgusting slob who makes me want to burn the couch cushions that he sits on or burn his bedding. when ss15 is at the house a huge barrier goes up between DH and I and it's called ss15. that little shadow wants to be with DH all the time and that doesnt' fly with me. i want my time and DH doesn't understand that i dont need the skids there as often as they are. EOW situations seem awesome to me - i can't wait for school to start to it at least goes back to weekends only!!!
ss15 is wanting to stay til saturday, we'll try out the disengaging thing and see how it goes....
If he's resentful over being
If he's resentful over being responsible for his kids and wants you to do it, I wouldn't want to be with him, anyway.
The trick, I think, is to get him to appreciate the work you were doing rather than resent you for forcing him to do it. I think that calmly talking about issues that you have (not blaming him, even if he deserves it) and coming to a solution together is more likely to result in appreciation than just quitting out of heat-of-the-moment anger. I've heard it before, and I think that its true that men (and women) don't usually like being told to do anything...so just trick them into thinking that they have a say in things }:)
That’s exactly where I can’t
That’s exactly where I can’t get my head around “disengaging”… how DO you do it and not look like you don’t give a sheit?
exactly - when i act like i
exactly - when i act like i dont give a shit i'm a bitch so either way i lose right now until i figure it out. i heard you're supposed to act like you're under water. you hear and see everything you just can't talk back. tried it and it didn't work well when ss15 is just a complete moron i roll my eyes or give him that "you're a dumbass" look and i get caught. i need to buy sunglasses that are either super dark you can't see my eyes or the super reflective to not see my eyes adn wear them 24/7 when ss is around
You have to practice your
You have to practice your magazine smile...
I didn't realize the skid
I didn't realize the skid issues were going to be like this when i first got together with DH. i have a girl friend who is about to get married and he has 2 young kids. i told her about this site and about the stepmonster book. I told her to get started before saying I Do. she's got the same issues I do with the kids not doing anything because daddy coddles them...why are the dads like this???
Disengage now. Don't do a
Disengage now. Don't do a thing. That is hard when the mess is in your house. I freak out internally over dirty dishes. But, you have to hold your ground. Don't have any discussions about the SKids when he starts being frustrated. Let him come to the painful realizations on his own. Don't do a thing and be scarce when he is in the house. Soon, your DH will see that he is a slob and needs to learn to pick up his mess.
This worked for me with Skids. Unfortunately it was too late with SD14, she no longer wanted to live with "Dad's rules. But, it does work. DH gets it now. When he started having to stay on top of SS12's room. He started to see it was a mess, now he catches it. I now shut the door. Kills me. But, it works. Best thing was when he finally saw the disrespect towards me. Nipped it in the bud and now it only happens occasionally.
it's not their responsibility
it's not their responsibility to clean OUR house
Then tell DH it's his responsiblity.
I agree with you - I would stop cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry. Just take care of yourself. Sometimes people need to be reminded of all that we contribute to the home.
"Nobody realizes what I do around here...until I don't do it."
HaveHadIt has it right!