Relationship drama....
Ok so I know this is not a dating site but I have some issues and I really hope you ladies can help me. Like I've talked about on other blogs..I am planning to get married next year. Or atleast that has been the plan. My FH has had bad relationships in the past. His EW cheated on him n I think some of his high school girlfriends did too. I knew this going into the relationship n I thought that he n I could work on the trust issues together cause I have problems with it sometimes myself. Well we have had several fights since we have been engaged over stupid things. He blows everything up. If he texts my phone n I am unable to get right back to him, he calls n if I cant answer he will call 20 times or more till I answer. Every time he calls he gets angrier and angrier. He tells me that he knows I would never cheat n that he just worries but he accuses me endlessly of cheating. If I "sound funny" on the phone he will ask is someone is here with me. If I am away from my phone he thinks Im with a guy. Last weekend was just about the last straw for me. He works out of town at a job he just started. He stays away for several days before getting to come here n see me. Friday night I was asked to go eat with my folks n I go just about every Fri to eat with them, I have for the past two years. He knows that cause he will come with me most times. He was coming in to town here from work n I had told him that I was going to go out to eat because it would be so late when he got in that he would not get to stay here n see me long. Well he got angry right off the bat n told me that he just wouldn't come see me any while he was off since I clearly didn't care to see him. I told him I would call him when I got home n we could talk since I was with my family n couldn't talk privately. He called me 28 times while we were eating n left three very mean voice mails. One of which stating that he had been by my house n he knew I was lying about what I was doing cause all the other cars were there but mine so he had caught me this time. I later explained the car situation to him n he some what apologized but I told him that did not change the fact that he behaved like he did. He blamed it on his past then on his work n anything else he could think of. Im just sick of hearing it. I was in a very abusive marriage for a year n I will not be in one again. He does things that remind me of they way I was treated in my marriage n it makes me just want to turn tail n run. I have came this far but I dont really feel like he has made any progress towards trusting me n he has absolutely no reason not to trust me. I have gone out of my way to prove myself to him but nothing works. I know that no relationship can ever work without trust n I thought he was doing better but the incident friday night just shows me he really isn't. I know that there will only be more problems to come once we got married so I am not going to even think about marriage right now. I know this seems like an open shut case..I need to leave him but I just wondered if anyone of you have ever been in a relationship where trust was a huge problem n you found a way to overcome it?
- Brittany.P's blog
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hi
I read your post,I have been there done that as many many other's ,First of all it is called control ,trust cannot be defined in one sentence,trust comes with love and honour,If there is no trust there is no love,but yet honour the relationship with promise and dont hurt each other in anyway and i think moving on would be an idea where there is trust,I was married for 20 yrs and belive me there was no trust and i was always defining myself like trying to explain where i was this 5 min that 5 min and right down to the mileage on the car ,my trust and my love were ignored,it was a one way street,I always believed there was someone just like me out in this crazy world whom was going through the same and guess what i was right there was DH and i are identical and we have nothing but trust and love and honour it took us 20 years to find each other but it was worth it and everytime i look into his eyes its like the first time we met,now if you feel there is a chance to make things work then try but please hear me ok no one male or female should have to always explain or define any issues your being is your self worth
I have not been in that kind
I have not been in that kind of a relationship...but just my two cents worth...I would not marry this man, it's not going to get any better once your married, might even get worse.
Brittany -
Here's something that I learned a while back: "men get married expecting that their wife will never change, while a woman gets married thinking that she can change her husband."
You have to ask yourself if you can live with this behavior, and not assume that he will change, because, realistically, he probably won't.
This isn't a minor thing like belching in public - this is lack of respect, privacy and major distrust, and it may only get worse.
Good luck to you....
I am a man and can assure you that your Fiance is .....
NO MAN! He is a controlling, manipulative ass hole who is just biding his time until he can isolate you from your friends, family and life in general.
Hey, if all of the women in his past have left him you have to ask what the common denominator in those relationships was. The common denominator was HIM!
You don't need to prove anything to him.
As the old adage goes, if it looks like dog shit, tastes like dog shit and smells like dog shit it IS dog shit. This guy is absolutely and unequivocally DOG SHIT. Run!
You have been in a bad marriage before and you know this guy is an abuser waiting for someone to abuse.
Get out now.
Best regards,
well said
I have never been in a relationship like yours but my best friend is in one right now. Its not a trust issue, its a control issue. My friend's boyfriend won't let her stay at her place on the weekends, he insists that she spend the night with him because if she goes home she may be cheating on him with some other man. He has slowly but surely put distance between her and her family and friends. Like I said, she's my best friend but I haven't talked to her since the very first week of March when previously we had talked about once a week or even every other week. She's at the point where she literally looks at him before speaking as if silently asking for permission.
As a friend it has been very hard for me to stand by her decision to stay with him. I've already given my opinion several times. It truly hurts me to know that she is being trapped and abused. Don't be one of those women that everyone looks at and says to themselves "oh how sad for her! I wish she would wake up and smell the coffee". Its not only hard on you but its hard on all those who are standing by you and wanting to help you. Its frustrating to know that you can help someone but that they don't want to be helped
I would think twice
I would think twice about marrying this man. If you think it's bad now, wait until you get married.
You didn't say how old you are but you sound young-ish. If you insist on marrying him I would encourage him to see a counselor BEFORE you get married. It's much easier to back out of an engagement than a marriage.
This is more than just a trust issue
Run far away and watch over your shoulder while you do. This guy is dangerous and if you marry him there is no telling what he will do to you.
"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac
Unfortunately, we women tend
Unfortunately, we women tend to pick the same kind of guy over and over again without even realizing it. So, if you were with an abusive person the last time, you may have found yourself another one. So, break the cycle and get away from him as fast as you can! Nothing but grief will come from this guy. He can make all the promises that he wants too about changing his behavior, but the reality of it is that once you are married he will most likely revert back to his previous behavior! RUN!!!!!
He won't change on his own.
He won't change on his own. I have actually been where he is at YEARS ago. It was due to my past. The only thing that helped was counseling. And alot of it. It sounds like he needs counseling and you two as a couple also because you will start to resent this VERY quickly, it sounds as if you already are. He will NOT change on his own.
Run!
Run for the hills and don't look back! If you are already having to explain every move you make to this 'man' then your life after marriage will only get worse. I've been in this type of relationship before, although never married, we just moved in together, and after the first DAY I was told I was no longer allowed to see certain friends, go certain places, wear certain clothes, look at certain websites...But HE was allowed to do whatever he wanted, just as long as I was at home crying my eyes out over him. Then came the turning point, he hit me. That night I took his key (the apartment was in MY name only) so when he came home from work he couldn't get in, I set all his things outside and told him goodbye on a post-it. This relationship ruined my friendships. IMO, you'd be better off alone then abused and in this relationship.
That you are even
That you are even considering marrying this guy is surprising. I didnt read anyone elses reply but I am sure most say dont marry this guy, he isnt someone you would even want to date.
His past cannot be an excuse for this level of mistrust. And without complete trust you have completely no chance of making it.
He didn't start out this way..
I would never heave let this relationship get this far had he of behaved this way from the get-go. He has always been a little bit of an "in my face" kinda guy like he has always wanted to know where I was n what I was doing but I never thought it was anything serious until he started with the accusations and all. Like I said I've been here before with my failed marriage and I know better than to foolishly believe someone will change. I tried for a year to change my ex with absolutely no success...still it's hard to give up because a part of me feels like I am punishing my FH for my exs mistakes...does that make any sense?
They are always nice in the BEGINNING
Then after the relationship is solid for awhile then their true colors come out. I have been with someone like this ONCE and only ONCE and found myself totally alone with just him. Then everything I did was a full interrogation or threats. I wound up getting choked and thrown in to a wall. I would get away from this man as soon as possible.
RUN!
Seriously. And if he even THINKS about coming after you, get a restraining order. And a big, mean dog.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)