SD18 and her latest drama....
DH had dinner with her last night. Don't get too excited, it was an hour and 23 minutes when he came home. The earring in the nose is small, but he told her it bothered him and she said everyone else loves it. Um, OK? Then she admits she totaled her car a couple weeks ago. Apparently the brakes went out. Okay...It was only about 2 years old.
She talked about graduation and her trip to England in a couple weeks. She is going alone with a girl and staying at a B&B. Curious how much she is spending. BM is an idiot to send her there without an adult. Her friend has friends there that they are seeing. Then why are they staying at a B&B? Weird.
She did brag to DH about her graduation party, but didn't invite him. No worries, he wouldn't go. The good news is BM is selling their house and moving to a neighboring town. I am sure they are busting at the seams with the new illegitimate baby of her SD. Her husband is white trash and also has about 5 cars in the driveway and that is not done in this town, so they probably need more property. DH is not thrilled because now he has to drive farther for their once in month dinner. Whatever...I am thrilled.
But, the way he tells me is classic....Now you can take the "DH's last name". Told him no, that his mother and his daughter and his ex have tarnished it beyond repair and I would like to run for office in town someday and that can't happen with his name. He told me it was an excuse. Told him sorry, the women in your life are crazy and I am not getting involved. His comment was I fit right in and I told him sure, but I still have my name and my reputation.
My conversation with him was good, but I did end it that if I continued to have to pull information out of him about her, when her life falls apart, she will never be welcome here. I will not fall for it again. I need to know everything. I pointed out that she has now totaled a car and is leaving for college and at some point her mother is going to cut off the money when she doesn't get the grades. Even she is not that stupid.
He asked if she was getting a new car and her answer was fishy, "mom is too busy with selling the house and stressed, I don't want to bring it up" Um okay, you usually are not nice to anyone. I am sure mom has said no, you are leaving for school and don't need a car.
He said her conversation is all about her and frenetic so clearly no meds for her BPD. They talked a little about the grades and it is going to come down to two exams whether she graduates. So they probably will not know until right up to graduation. She will walk the stage, but not have the diploma, I am sure. Even BM can't get her out of this mess.
He asked her when school started in the fall and she has no idea, so now he is wondering how clued in she is to any of that. As a mom who is paying quite a lot for my son's college, I have half paid for by a scholarship. She won't have that and it would have been automatic in this state if she had a 3.0. What a waste. Her mom will have to pay $12K a semester and it is not exactly a great school. It is the only state school that would take her. It is where all the other kids like her go. Can we say partying?
I did ask him if he planned on getting her something and he said no, it wasn't much of an accomplishment. I told him that was what I wanted him to say and that she wouldn't put it away for school.
BM leaving town is great...She still works here but on the other side of town. I can stop looking every time I see her model of car and want to hit it. SD18 is almost gone.
I am sure she will fail miserably and he will be the one she calls. I have encouraged him to try and see her more. I don't want him to tell me again that I am the reason they don't have a relationship. This is on them, not me.
I am just going to wait for the phone call, I know is coming. At least my husband is a cheap SOB, so odds are good, he will never give her a dime. He is a saver and our retirement is almost fully funded because of him and he will not let a child ruin that.
It was great last night, no drama after he saw her and we spent the evening trying to figure out what to do for our 5th wedding anniversary in June when SS15 goes to camp.
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Comments
I don't think I could never
I don't think I could never say never with her. I did that before and it made my marriage suffer. By saying this to him, I am not the reason.
She is so damaged. If I allowed her back in the house and that is a big if, it would be by my rules and honestly, she couldn't do that. The best thing for the summer and her out of control behavior, is that she totaled that car. At least she didn't kill someone.
She needs to completely fall apart before she would ever live by our expectations and rules. Ironically, we have no rules at all with our sons. They just don't do anything that requires us to put a rule down. We never have. Her, she doesn't go to school or come home half the time. I just know the list of rules would be really, really long. At 18, I don't have to do anything for you, I do it because I want to.
I think with my son, it was
I think with my son, it was just higher expectations early on. He knew I expected good grades. There was no arguing, it was expected. He was brilliant and lazy, so starting at 6 with what my standards were, it was never a question. As for behavior, I think we talked a lot and he was treated like a child and had conversations like an adult with me. I respected him and was proud of who he was and told him that. I think my SD has had no boundaries and treated like an adult with no expectations of her behavior.
Also, as my son became a teenager, every time he would leave the house, I would tell him, the same thing, my mother told me. If you find yourself doing something you can't come home and tell me about, don't do it. Now when I see him at school, I leave by reminding him not to do stupid. My talks and expectations have always been high for him and he lived up to it.
My SS is a kid that was ignored early on by BM, because my SD sucked the energy out of a room. We have had full custody for a couple years now. He is a really nice kid. Lazy as hell and DH has to stay on top of him with the grades. But, he is an A&B student now.
I think he is too lazy to really do anything wrong. He has really nice friends and has a really nice life which he will tell you. He never asks for anything. BM didn't like his personality and sent him to therapy and social skills class and had him tested for ADD to medicate him. We stopped all of it and he is fine. She couldn't relate to him, but she could throw money at him and fix him. He resented all of it and asked to live here.
I think if you talk continually to your kids and give them high expectations, they want your approval and will try to achieve that. I had a conversation with him last night because he tossed the EOCT report before DH could see it. DH was teasing him that he either did it because it was bad or because it was really good and he didn't want to hear from me that he is capable of straight A's. He laughed and admitted what it was. Turns out they were all really high, which we knew, they had been last year. The kid is lazy, but really smart. He just doesn't want us to raise our expectations above A's and B's. I told him nice try.
We talk to our kids about everything. We spent last night talking about vacations and DH asked when do we stop taking them. I said when they get married. He said we have to discuss that. I told him as long as they want to come and they are good kids, I will take them on family vacations. He and I do a vacation by ourselves every year so that is not an issue.
Get the book Teen Proofing. It was great for teenagers and having expectations. I know I used his natural consequences conversation all the time in our discussions.
Thank you so much for this!
Thank you so much for this! It looks like my BS14 and I are on the right track. I practice all of what is mentioned aboved. He sounds a lot like your BS including being smart and lazy (maybe that's all boys. LOL). Maybe it's because I was a single parent up until he turned 11 and our relationship developed like we were partners. Don't get me wrong he recognizes me as his parent and respects me as such but he was the one their struggling with me when I went back to school and through job changes and basically HELL. He knows what I expect out of him and he produces! My SD14 on the other hand has led this really sheltered life . .is very withdrawn . .and socially inept. She can't follow simple instructions (I don't think she every really hears what you are saying). DH knows now there is something seriously wrong after spending time with my BS and BM just sticks her head in the sand and talks about how wonderful SD is because she brings home all A's. . . GOOD LAWD!
Have the standards and
Have the standards and expectations for him. Never be mean about them, but tell him what they are and he will in the beginning do it for you, but then it becomes about him and his wanting to achieve for himself.
I'm like you I will not allow
I'm like you I will not allow my SD17 back into our home. IT has been about 5 months now. Dh and SD were getting together about once a month in the begining, but now they are meeting once a week. I pushed for this because like you I didn't want them to always act like I was the reason they do not have a relationship. Oh how I wish I would have kept my moth shut! Now instead of having to have a "therapy" session with my DH once a month it seems like I will be having them once a week. My DH was pushing for me to have SD back over. He wanted me to fix it like I have the past 15 years. NOT ANYMORE! At first I was open to hearing about their "dates", but now that I see my DH twists the truth and tells me how much SD misses me and how well she is doing I don't want to hear it. My DH seems to think all I want to hear is the bad things. When really all I want to hear is the truth. I don't want to hear about the wonderful time you had with SD and that you want her over now because she is "fixed". What I would really like to hear is that SD and I had dinner and I see the mess you hae been dealing with for all these years. I know I won't hear that so a simple I had dinner with SD is fine by me. I NEVER want her back, but like you I know I can't outright say this.
Nope, we can't say it. I
Nope, we can't say it. I have said it before and it bit me in the ass. It has been four years now. We were very clear when she tried to come back in our lives at Christmas, that we had expectations. We asked questions about college and she was headed for a hospitality degree on our recommendation since that is probably one she is capable of. Now, BM has her going for a Pharmacy degree. That is too hard for me and I am disciplined. She will fail miserably. She is setting her up to fail.
I do want him to tell me everything. I have to know. I didn't know things last time and I was wrong for letting her go on vacation with us. No matter what DH or SD said about her changes and that she would behave. It was miserable.
DH sees her very clearly and is very frustrated that he can't change anything. He just lets her talk and says whether he approves or not and hopes it sinks in. I know he is telling me everything now. He knows it is not worth it not to. I am not going down the rabbit hole with them, unless I have the tools to do so.
But, I do know when the time comes, I will do it on my terms or not at all. This girl is a train wreck and it is a matter of time before she either gets raped, killed or kills someone. Her rage and reckless behavior are a time bomb. She needs to be hospitalized to get on a proper med protocol. And that would be just my first condition.
why is Mommy paying for
why is Mommy paying for college and not SD?
Sorry I laughed out loud at
Sorry I laughed out loud at your question. It is not done around here to have the kids pay. It is truly on the parents. Now, this kid, should not be going to college at all, but the Golden Uterus is sending her and is giving her one year at GSU to prove it. To the tune of 26K a year. What a waste of money. She should go to community college.
I do pay for my kid but only the 6K that remains after his tuition is paid every semester by his scholarship. I feel that is my responsibility as long as he has a 3.3 average that keeps his scholarship. He loses it, he gets a loan.