Last night at the end of an argument SO cried. I've only see him cry once before and that was because he felt he wasn't good enough at being both mom and dad and socializing enough for kids parents to reply and RSVP for SS8's birthday party. He didn't know if anyone was going to show up and thought it was his fault.

It was heartbreaking to watch him cry both times. Though, I have cried way more times in this relationship than I count.

We had an argument b/c he didn't like what I said to him in relation to the fact we are gonna have to find other ways to have breaks from SS8 since BM is disappearing again. I know that this is not his fault, but he'd rather have him 24/7 365 sometimes it seems than to have a damn babysitter. I've been working on some of my friends to see if we could do couple swaps and take turns watching each others kids.

Anyway I don't know why he got so angry at first. I think because of his defensiveness and maybe he feels powerless. He started getting all crazy with anger and I shut him down and went to Yoga. When I got back from yoga he was nicer and made all sorts of charts and graphs and wanted me to answer numerical questions about dates since particular months. He's very much a numbers computer type business guy. I don't know how to answer how i feel using numbers!!! He wants me to put my feelings into statistics for him. ugh
I tried and then was like "this is crazy what is the point i don't feel in number form" then he starts yelling and being all crazy. I had him sit down and listen, had to tell him it was my turn to talk and I was going to talk and not yell and he needed to LISTEN and be quiet.
That he is DONE yelling at me. I don't come to him with anger and craziness and I don't ever address him like that when he comes to me with a problem. That I am NOT a child and I am not and will not be yelled at any more. That he needs to figure out a different way to communicate and deal because "you are done yelling at ME my DEAR." (he's say "my dear" during arguments alot so I used his own words) I went on that I don't even understand why we are arguing or what he even thought i was saying to get so angry. That when he yells and gets all rage like it kills the souls of the people he loves that I don't deserve that, neither does his son, or his father. And he was DONE doing it to ME. That he CHOOSES to get this angry and yell and be mean it's a choice that he can make a different choice to handle his anger in a different way b/c it's not acceptable ever AGAIN.
AFter all this with some more shithead remarks and then he just started writing down on a piece of paper everything i was saying that "made him angry". I finally asked him if he was listening to anything or just only listening to what he thought he had a right to get mad at. Was he getting anything from this or just anger? so he turns the paper over and begins to write down more helpful things of what he thinks i'm saying. What he got from this was a list of shit i've been saying forever but he never hears through his defensiveness. He said he didn't realize that I'm uncomfortable in my own house most of the time and can't relax fully. That he had no idea. UGH (this is why i need breaks from the kid b/c it's exhausting) and a list full of other normal stepparent type issues.

at the end of the night he tried to basically say that he thinks "SS8 likes me 10 times more that I like him" PLEASE! I told him if he really thought that he could go fuck himself. I was done being nice. He started this argument at 6 I went to yoga from 7-8 then here we are past midnight still on this crap. That I bend over backwards for the child. I told him the only reason he's noticed that i've disengaged is b/c i stopped making all the efforts for a kid that doesn't make any. Now that I've stopped the kid makes some efforts. That I have to protect myself b/c no one is going to do that for me. That his son was not the one crying a bathroom by himself on Christmas day and that he's not a VICTIM.

after this at some point he cried. He held me and said he didn't understand why i'd want to put myself through this relationship that he was crying for me b/c he turned a nice positive person into a depressed anxious ridden one. I'm glad he gets this. I dont' want him to cry but JEEZ he's just now getting things. And then all too soon he forgets wth i thought he learned the last time. I'm tired of this process.
we are ok today. I told him last night after the "he likes you more than you do him" BS that I was just going to start telling the child when he does something crazy "I want you to tell your dad what the issue is , right now, tell him... why you're doing this what the problem is" (that he doesn't want me there)
The child and I are fine when he's not around b/c i don't put up with his Bullshit. He knows I see thru it. which is also how he knows he can play dad and I off each other b/c SO will take his side or think he's a damn infant and innocently doing stuff.
This morning I hugged SS8 and said "have a good day" he of course said nothing. I hugged him b/c over the weekend he had been decent on his own. So his dad said "what do you say when someone says have a good day?" SS8:"bye" SO:"NO you don't say bye you say "you too" or "thank you" or "have a good day also""
oh lord.
well here we go on our journey.