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Seeking advice on disengagement....

Last-Wife's picture

Is it okay to tell my DH that if my questions and concerns about skids cause arguments, and if my ideas aren't supported, he shouldn't ask me to support them financially or with transportation needs?

Loghead and I had a family meeting tonight. Our family therapist wanted him to commit to meet with me once a week to discuss my concerns, questions and issues. She thought this would lessen my anxiety, and wouldn't make me "pounce" on him with info the minute he walks in the door at night. In the 2 weeks we've been doing this, it has helped a little.

Tonight he barely listened, but there were lots of "yes, dear"s. He said he would do one thing, and 20 minutes after the meeting when the opportunity presented itself, he did the exact opposite of what we agreed to do.

Then about 15 minutes later I ask where PITA 15 is, and he says he let him spend the night at a friend's house. I asked why; we don't normally do that on a school night, and Loghead blew up and told me to leave it alone, he'd already told the skid yes, it's 10 o'clock, why does it matter?

I guess in the big picture, it doesn't. Other than PITA knows I don't like school night sleep overs and he asked his dad anyway. Loghead knows I don't like school night sleep overs and he said yes anyway.

It undermines my authority with PITA and shows him he doesn't have to do what I say if Loghead doesn't. It shows me Loghead doesn't really care about my feelings on parental issues.

I've already disengaged in many ways- I don't cook for them, I don't do their laundry, I only give them what they want if I get something out of it. (You want to use my laptop- empty the dishwasher; that kinda thing...)

Loghead doesn't want me asking them to do chores, he doesn't want me telling them to do chores, he doesn't want me telling them my opinions...

Yet, he lost his job in DEcember. His filler job is just enough to keep food on the table. I make the house payment. I paid for Princess's senior trip. Lazy Boye 14 needs shoes for track and I'm supposed to pay for that this weekend. PITA and Lazy Boye aren't old enough to drive and Princess isn't always around so I am expected to pick them up after sports practices since Loghead doesn't get home till almost 8...

In anger 2 weeks ago he told me to take our son and move out this summer. He finally admitted he didn't mean it, and said it in anger. I told him I would stay, but some things needed to get better.

If I tell him that if my opinions and feelings regarding the skids and their activities are not supported I shouldn't be asked to pay anything or transport anyone, is that the same as telling him this marriage is over?

Comments

Stepmom-BrendaBK's picture

You should not be expected to do the running of the kids.It is his responsibility to take care of that. If he would ask you nicely, then yes run them if you feel like it. Sounds like he is taking his frustration of not having a good paying job out on you and that is not fair in the least. It may hurt to tell him if you don't respect me then I am not the taxi driver for your kids period, but it will get the message across to him in a big way that he is taking advantage of you. You are not required to support his kids unless its in the court papers. Sounds like he doesn't want any input from you on the kids but wants you to do all the leg work of running his kids. NOT!!!! No Way!!!! Put a stop to it real quick. That's my opinion.

usade's picture

In my opinion, it's not telling him that the marriage is over; it's you showing him the line he's drawn. I'm in no better position (dealing with BM issues), but when I tell my boyfriend that we have a respect issue (which we did recently), he knows I'm dead serious and, when push comes to shove, I'm absolutely ready to shove him out of my life. I really hope things get better for you!!

Snowflake's picture

I think it is something you may have to do for yourself... but he may take it as you want out. I would be livid!!! So if you move out, then it seems like there goes his meal ticket, since you pay the house payment.. and all of the extras.

If your opinions are not valued, and you arent even allowed to give his precious kids chores... then why should you contribute anything to them. Let them fend for themselves or do without. A senior trip is not neccessary... it is a perk. If she wanted to go on her senior trip, then perhaps she should have gotten a job to pay for it.

Last-Wife's picture

Really small town. Every kid goes. We've been making small payments since 7th grade- like $50 a year. Their last payment was due in DEcember. Her BM promised to pay, but at the last minute didn't. If I hadn't chipped in the last $150, all of our other money would have been "lost," as it was not refundable...

I paid cuz I thought it was rather sh#$$y of her mother to tell her it was paid, but it wasn't...

"I HAD to pick the road less traveled..."

soverysad's picture

You can't disengage from discipline and stay engaged in responsibility. You'll drive yourself crazy. He either respects you to parent his kids (which means chores and responsibilities and consequences) and you continue to "help" him with finances and running the kids around, OR he can take FULL responsibility for his kids. He can't have his cake and eat it too. You're not a nanny or a maid or hired help. I wouldn't even talk to him about it because he clearly doesn't want to hear it. I would simply STOP taking them places and STOP paying for anything extra. Let him figure it out. 15 is old enough to get a pt job for extra money.

"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"

JustAnotherSM's picture

"You can't disengage from discipline and stay engaged in responsibility. You'll drive yourself crazy." ------> Hi, I'm CRAZY! I have disengaged from the parenting aspect but still have all the financial responsibilities. And with that comes a LOT of resentment. (DH is a SAHD so I pay all bills, including CS and other skid expenses.)

Please, do whatever you must to protect your finances. Your resentment will just continue to grow otherwise. And if things don't work out with DH, you will need the resources to take care of you and your biokid.

Last-Wife's picture

I need to take lessons from you! Yeah, I guess I asked to prove he'd done something I hate...

No I haven't promised to pay for shoes, but he does need them. Amazingly enough his BM did have money two weeks ago to pay for the track uniforms and warm up suit. That was a help.

I do not go out of my way to take them anywhere. I only pick them up if I am passing by on my way home, but it's still a hastle. We live 10 miles outside of our little town. There's no walking, and no place for a 15 yo to work... My SD17 has to drive 20 miles just to get to her part-time job, and honestly, she probably spends most of her finances on gas...

"I HAD to pick the road less traveled..."