Mark Manson.  He interviewed 1500 people who have had long and successful relationships and he  says ,"

This becomes particularly important once kids enter the picture. The big message I heard hundreds of times about kids was, put the marriage first.

“Children are worshipped in our culture. Parents are expected to sacrifice everything for them. But the best way to raise healthy and happy kids is to maintain a healthy and happy marriage. Good kids don’t make a good marriage. A good marriage makes good kids. So, keep your marriage the top priority.”

https://markmanson.net/relationship-advice

And the responses so far. And I wish I had a better answer for myself. DH and I have both said that our bio kids come first right now. In part, they're coming from high conflict situations and often need a lot of support. But also were very clear that the kids don't get a say in a lot of parts of our relationship. So prioritizing them doesn't mean that they get to treat one of us badly or something, but if a kid forgets a stuffie during a transition day, date night is interrupted so that parent can bring it over. I know lots of people on this board th at would probably disagree with that, but we are talking about minutes and not hours, and rare occasions and not chronic behavior.

also, I think about the different between fair and equal. Our kids are not treated equally, but I believe they are treated fairly. In part, I think, it's because we each do the same for each other's skids. Like we each buy one present for skids and buy multiple presents for our bios on events like birthday and Christmas. I think, for me, that helps keep roles and responsibilities clear. I don't wash his kids laundry. I don't cook on the nights they're over. And I don't expect him to do that for mine. In addition to the keeping things clear by not making the step situation resemble a first family, I also like it because it keeps me from picking up that "second shift" domestic labor that always falls to women. My life is already harder because I love someone with a toxic ex and poorly raised kids, but I can set limits in some ways about how much harder my life gets by letting him take ownership of those responsibilities.

Kids are a person's #1 responsibility. Their partner is their #1 priority. Kids needs have to be met, and their needs trump the wants (and sometimes the needs) of a person's partner. On the flip side, a partner's wants and needs trump a kid's wants.

Where parents tend screw up is in their definition and quantity of their kids' needs. Kids need shelter, but that doesn't mean they need the master bedroom. Kids need food, but they don't need to choose the meal every night. Kids need social interaction, but that doesn't mean they should participate in three different sports and clubs that keeps the family booked every night of the week.

Kids also need parenting. They need boundaries and consequences. They need guidance an love. The problem with parenting is that it's hard and not always gratifying. 

So, you have ALL these needs for kids, and parents screw up the ratios. Little Johnny needs a shower, but it's too hard to deal with him crying about using his own, so the parent lets them use the master. You, as the partner, don't want Little Johnny to come in your room and bathroom because it's your space that you pay for (and you both want AND need your space). He has a shower; this is your shower. So you speak up.

Your partner is in the mindset that Little Johnny needs a shower, and the master bathroom facilitates that need. They don't recognize that showering there is a want, and since it's a want, your feelings about Little Johnny showering in your shower trump Little Johnny showering in his own shower down the hall. You aren't attacking Little Johnny or his need for a shower, but now your partner is attacking you because they can't use their head for more than a hat rack.

How do you explain this? By breaking down the difference in a scenario between a want and a need. Yes dear, Little Johnny needs a shower, and he has a shower with all his shampoo right next to his room right down the hall. No dear, I don't use that shower because that's the shower designated for Little Johnny, just as this shower is designated for me. I don't use Little Johnny's room, either, because it's his room and his space that he needs and wants, and this room and space is what I need and want. I am pro-showering for Little Johnny, but I am not pro-showering in MY shower for Little Johnny.

If your partner can't see the difference in having it laid out that way, then they're not worth keeping as a partner. This isn't even about compromise; this is about understanding the boundary between what is acceptable and needed between relationships with children and partners. Kids' needs have to be met, but they don't have to be met how the child WANTS them to be met, especially if it goes directly against the wants and needs of the partner.

I've been there. Once I was told by a psychologist that adults are in a level, same level, and kids has to be down, kids can't be equal as adults. This means that you are an authority (even if you are a stepmom), you have to be first in every single way because of course you need to be healthy, you have to be happy etc. you can't put a child first, because you can't let kids control your life, control your happiness or in this case control your marriage, directly or indirectly, because as I said you are the adult here, you are who is raising, and at the end kids grow up and leave. And I'm not saying they are not important of course they are important because they are a huge responsability, you are not saying to him to ignore the kids for you or give you more than the kids, everyone have different needs and you need to be treated like an adult, like an authority and like a wife, you only want the things, the privacy and the place you deserve and need.

Is very common that BM or BD put their kids before their partner because kids were first and they are more important and you are "joining" them and NO, everyone is important here but everyone has a different role, you and your husband are the leaders and that means you TWO are a team, you two are first for each other because as I said YOU two are who take the desitions here.

Kids just don't have the brain power to be on the same level as an adult.  For most of history adults have ruled the home.  The kid centered life style is recent in the grand scheme of things.  

Please if you or anyone reading this knows of the words to use to convey to DH this please let me know. If I tried to tell him that we, our relationship or I come before his daughter he would flip out! 

Take sex off the table.  Any man who  puts his kids first over his wife doesn't deserve any nookie.  I'd also hazard a guess that the relationship with BM fell apart because she put the kids first and ignored him.  She managed to keep that thinking going in DH manipulating him still.   It's a vicious little cycle that many men don't figure out until it's too late, if at all.  

If you have already decided to leave then it is not up to you to try to make your ex understand why. If you want to try to explain that is up to you, but it is not your role to make him understand. If he wants to learn from your relationship or try to fix things with you then it is his job to try to understand your reasons.  Don't waste much of your time and energy trying to justify wanting a better relationship. If he could understand and cared he woud have changed his behavior already.

Modern society has told people that kids should come first and be a parent's no. 1 concern. The guilt to put the kids first is especially strong if the bio parents are not together. That is how you "show" the world that you are a "good" parent is by declairing that your kids do (and always will) come first.  

So as soon as you say, your life partner should come before your kids it puts a lot of people off from even listening to your explaination as if your kids aren't first that must mean the kids come last and that would make you a terrible parent.

Some people will just never get it as they can't think beyond what they have been told by modern society and won't listen to anything that goes against it. Or they just feel so much guilt at being divorced that they can't bare to say no to their kids.

" So prioritizing them doesn't mean that they get to treat one of us badly or something, but if a kid forgets a stuffie during a transition day, date night is interrupted so that parent can bring it over. I know lots of people on this board th at would probably disagree with that, but we are talking about minutes and not hours, and rare occasions and not chronic behavior."

I think you will find you will regret this take on things. All our kids had to learn to live with dissapointment if something got forgotten at the other house.  Why would you interrupt a middle of a date to go deliver a stuffed toy?   If it's that important to do, do it when the time is convenient to you and not at the expense of the marriage and alone time together.  Your marriage will suffer with this approach, maybe not today or tomorrow, but it will.

Yes, the divorce culture fomented this kid centric world we live in now.  The result is the kids we have today, entitled, bossy, demanding, self-centered, narcissistic. .

Yes, the divorce culture fomented this kid centric world we live in now.  The result is the kids we have today, entitled, bossy, demanding, self-centered, narcissistic. .

 

Not only this,  but as many have experienced and/or learned from this message board, the parents of these kids are just as entitled, bossy, self-centered, and narcissistic etc.  

In terms of adult kids, some of these parents still make them a priority over their partner. That's even the case when the adult kids rarely see their parent, verbally/emotionally abuse the parent  and only call for money. 

What's ironic is these same parents, while elevating their adult kids to being the number 1 priority in their life, still expect a partner to make them number 1 priority.

When I was still with my ex, if he was sick he wanted me to take care of him, need to go to the doctor and needed someone to drive him home, then wanted me to do it. Car has to be put in the shop, he wanted me to follow him to drop it off so he could have a way back home while it was being repaired. Have to pick it back up, yes wanted me to take him to do that also. Parent gets sick, wanted me to make the plans to travel there, but also wanted me to go with him. Lose his job, yes wanted us to move together. The list goes on and on. If a man feels his adult kids are number 1 priority then they need to do all those things for him because he is their number 1 priority too. Thing is these adult kids NEVER make their parent/dad a priority. 

I broke up with my ex 1+ years ago and before I  completely stopped answering his calls he would complain about all these things going on in his life and no one to help him. He would get frustrated with the few friends he has who wouldn't or couldn't change their plans to help him with whatever. My thing is, your kids are adults, and number 1 priority, they should be helping. 

Since I never accept his contact sometimes he leaves messages about parents being sick, surgery but no one to take him or help him recover etc. Where are these adult kids when he needs them??? Lol pathetic.