You are here

Feeling Bad

Biscuit87's picture

Submitted by Biscuit87 on Tue, 03/02/2021 - 2:57pm

Constantly going through this website for answers and solutions and just feel lost and so confused by everything. Blogged before and was told boyfriend told me to pack my stuff and leave and he gave me great advice I should do that, but Christ is it hard! I'm still not back there and he has continually apologised and said he shouldn't have done that and so on, which I get it is what it is I'm over that. Not being back there is my choice, he wants me back there but I am not ready. Aside from the above he is genuinely a great man in my opinion (I know others will differ) but I do believe he is, he doesn't use me to look after his kids, we have a great relationship when it is just us. However he does have his kids (son 13 and daughter 9) 50/50, due to COVID he lost his job which was very flexible for him but he did not earn the money he needs to earn, finding another job in the current times though to fit around his children seems impossible, he has quite a bit of debt, I moved in with him and to be honest it's only a 45 minute drive from my family and work but it feels so far from my things, the house is not a nice house, BM lives round the corner, I don't like the area, I have a very close family and they all live like 10/15 minutes away from each other and I feel so far, his kids drain me, overbearing, messy, loud, sneaky, sly, I hate his son (BF knows this) for a 13 year old he is so dim and so far behind other kids I know of his age. I don't know I just feel like I've sacrificed a lot to be with my BF (I have no kids of my own btw) and I just don't think I can do it anymore, the problem is I love him I really bloody love him and I'm scared I'm ruining my happiness and losing my soulmate by leaving but I'm also scared I'm ruining my happiness and mental health by staying. I'm scared of getting a couple of years down the line and regretting leaving or regretting staying and end up hating him. A year of our relationship has been in lockdown and I only moved in with him just before lockdown, he believes that could factor into my feelings and be a big part in why I feel so trapped and down about it all but I just don't know. He says to me in a couple of years the kids won't be such a tie down and things will be better, but I'm 33 my biological clock is ticking and why should I continue to put my life and peace on the back burner, but then the other part says are you not throwing away your life by leaving him, you love him and then what do you have?  I work full time and do college, I don't have a bad job, I'm trying to better myself with college, I'm very good with money have savings etc I feel I have a good work ethic and he is just not like that with work or money and it's scary I don't want to get nowhere in life and him hold me back but I feel bad as COVID has mucked things up for a lot of people and should love not come before money? God how do you make these decisions with a clear head and feel good for it and not so selfish!

Comments

Stepdrama2020's picture

Submitted by Stepdrama2020 on Tue, 03/02/2021 - 3:24pm

You will find love again. Relationships do not have to be this hard, this depressing. If you go back what will have changed? Same shit different day, that will be your life.

You have left, going back will make you feel worse. Trust me like futuro said you will love again.

Aunt Agatha's picture

Submitted by Aunt Agatha on Tue, 03/02/2021 - 3:41pm

Look there's a lot of pain in your post.  But most of it is really about how you and he aren't a good fit due to his overwhelming baggage.

Do you love and miss HIM or the possibility of what things could have been without the baggage?

What is real is he is unemployed with 50-50 of two ill parented children, living near BM.

All the rest was in some way a fantasy.  Yes he might be a good man, but he comes part and parcel with the rest of It. 
 

As hard as it is right now, keep in mind what you are mourning right now was really a mirage.

Evil4's picture

Submitted by Evil4 on Tue, 03/02/2021 - 3:47pm

I find that a lot of people use the COVID -19 quarantine as an excuse for things being hard. I think that many people rely on that and milk it to explain why things are hard. No your difficulties with your SS are not because of the pandemic and being locked up with him. Your difficulties are because your SS is out of control and your BF does not want to parent him and your BF is failing you and selling you out. You are being treated like crap by your SS and your BF is using the COVID excuse. Sure you've probably become more aware of the issues since you are locked up with your SS more than you were, but your issues aren't because of that. Don't let your BF use the COVID excuse. By doing that, he's not acknowledging that his kid is out of control and he's not parenting. Do not go back unless and until your BF 1) acknowledges that his son is out of control; 2) you are being treated like crap by the son; 3) the BF is failing as a parent; and, 4) your BF is failing you by exposing you to rotten treatment. Your BF would need to do a hell of a lot more than pull the COVID excuse to get me back if it were me. Also, there is a whole other issue of pulling the "pack your bags" card when he doesn't want to address anything. Threatening your partner when he or she wants to bring something to your attention is very unhealthy and is actually abuse. Using the pandemic and being locked up as an excuse for why things seem harder for you is putting the onus on you and in a way, blaming you. Don't fall for it. It isn't you at all. If you go back, you will be subjected to more abuse, more threats to pack your bags, and if you have a bio, you'll be brining a bio child into an abusive environment. Don't do it. Require more. Way more.

24 years as a SM's picture

Submitted by 24 years as a SM on Tue, 03/02/2021 - 4:44pm

You say your BF lost his job due to COVID and was having a hard time finding another job to fit his parenting schedule. I don't see anywhere that he HAS a job now. I am in a foul mood, so the first thing I am thinking is, of course he wants you back in the home to pay part of the bills. No man worth his salt would sponge off of his GF. You are young and will find the right partner in the future, to me this is not the right person for you. Don't tie yourself down to someone that has so much baggage.

acef92's picture

Submitted by acef92 on Tue, 03/02/2021 - 6:00pm

I know is difficult but I would go. You will find love again with someone better, I'm not saying he is the worst but you know he is not the best for you, you love him but you don't want to waster your time, unfortunately problems with skids are bigger and bigger, I think if you do stay you will regret it. Sending you so much love <3

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Wed, 03/03/2021 - 2:23pm

Read the advice given its really really good.

You are out now GOOD JOB!!!

Stay out. COVID seems to bring issues that are bad to the surface and really make them stand out. It isnt causing the issues.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Submitted by Wicked stepmo. on Wed, 03/03/2021 - 2:30pm

If you absolutely can not bring yourself to walk away from him. At least don't move back in. Date him without the commitment and see where it goes. 

You may find you still feel the same because no matter what his kids aren't going anywhere and that's not going to change.