Short version of question: What role (if any) did you as step-parent (or your spouse step parent) play in child's B'nai Mitzvah?

longer version: My daughter's Bat Mitzvah is rapidly approaching. Her father left when I was pregnant and a few years later I married a wonderful man who has raised her as his own. We have two kids together. Her father, who is a very successful businessman, left town right after her birth. Gave me full legal and physical custody, a guilt-ridden financial settlement (this is important later) and popped in once or twice a month for a meal with her once she was two. About the time she was 8 or so, he disappointed her again and my H asked to adopt her. This seemed to be the kick in the rear that he needed and he now consistently spends one weekend a month with her here (in our town, not our house ) and does all her activities etc. While he is still an "eh" parent, he is a terrific fun uncle. He never had any other children and is on his third marriage.

Wife number two (the other woman) never met my D and this wife has only come with him once or twice.

This is where things get tricky. My H has really been my D's father. My EX acknowledges this, appreciates it and values my H's role.

When we divorced, my EX was eager to get out and move on. I was pregnant when he presented me a settlement offer. Besides being hurt, devastated, etc I was so mad. I insisted he fully fund a Bat Mitzvah, college, professional grad school and a big wedding. My Ex comes from money (in fairness, so do I) and was very successful (so am I), but nothing in his character prior to this crap would have ever let me imagine he would abandon us. I wanted to protect my child because I sensed that he was going to effectively disappear. He was more than willing to do what I asked -- just so he could GO!

My EX is only inviting his immediate family, his parents and his siblings. No friends, associates, etc. There will be lots of people there as my H and I come from large families, we both grew up here (or nearby) and are very involved in both our synagogue and community at large.

My EX called me the other night, after I emailed him some of the parental responsibilities for the service and he said that his wife won't be joining us on the Bema for the parent speech, passing of the torah, etc, but he fully expected my husband to be a full participant. (for the record, there was no question of this.) He asked about something for his parents, which I agreed to, and then the conversation was over.

I have never met his wife so I have no idea how she might feel about this. But I guess it really isn't my decision, right? I wouldn't care, if she stood up there during the speech -- my EX will say something so she could be there with him -- but he must have his reasons, right?