How would you react?
If you were told that your 11 year old daughter was extremely unhappy living with you and is really hurt by the way you treat her and wants to live somewhere else?
I would immediately burst into tears and try figure out what I was doing wrong so I could fix it.
Ooooooooooh no. Not BM. She just blames it all on SD/DH and claimed that SD is lying and making up stories to make BM look bad to her dad. OF COURSE she exaggerates and re-tells events with an 11 year old frame of understandng. That's NORMAL, what's NOT normal...crying to your dad and saying how miserable BM is and how she always takes it out on her.
But NONE of this is BM's fault. Not one bit. She's "perfectly happy with her life" (which is why she called him to say she HATED him, me, our house, our life, LOL) and she's a perfect little angel.
Typical....
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She's forcing herself on SD
She's forcing herself on SD (not THAT way) and it's just driving her away. She DEMANDED that SD live with her until she turned 18 (LOL). She actually said "I don't care what NC LAW says...all that matters is "BM LAW" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA.
DH & I have experienced this
DH & I have experienced this with both of his kids. We blamed BM (who was the one delivering the comment) for putting hateful thoughts in their heads, & for juicing every instance of discipline to turn it into, "I understand that you don't like being talked to that way. I wouldn't like it either. Your dad is being mentally abusive & is not respecting you as an individual". At 11 years old, the girl should be able to express her own feelings with her parents. If she has expressed these feelings to her dad, he needs to encourage her to approach it with her mom. Speaking on her behalf makes it hard for her to learn to speak up for herself. Not only that, but the mom can't deny it if it's coming to her from her daughter's mouth. The daughter can answer BM's questions & give examples of what upsets her, & maybe they can figure out a way to fix things. It also keeps the story & the feelings from being misconstrued.
It's probably more normal than you'd think for a child to cry to one parent about how unfair the other parent is. They understand the situation. They know both parents feel guilty for splitting, & they learn to manipulate & use that guilt to get pity & special treatment.
I think SD is afraid of BM
I think SD is afraid of BM (mainly of her mouth) and knows that she can't approach her mom about being unhappy with the way things are. It doesnt help that when she's at her mom's she talks back and is honestly a brat. Not so much at our house. We don't have a problem with her at all other than typical pre-teen attitude. When she starts to get an attitude we immediately address and correct her behavior and then move on. They get into screaming matches at BMs house (guess why....that's how BM has TAUGHT her to act) and BM is "sick" of it, but if she were to only be honest with herself she would see that SHE is the problem.
I DO think that she realizes she can pin one parent against another and have pointed that out to DH to keep in the back of his head. I don't think that is the case in 98% of the situations.
SD will be walking around randomly and she'll say to me (with nobody else around) "I wish I lived here. I wish I went to XXXX Middle School instead of where I go now". She has FRIENDS in our neighborhood. We kid with her that's the only reason why she wants to live with us and it might be partially true!
I think it's important for SD
I think it's important for SD to learn to approach her mom. Your DH can encourage her. Maybe they could go to a counselor & discuss the issues. That way, there's a mediator to keep things from being one-sided or getting out of hand. Having been in the situation, it would've helped the relationships between DH & his kids if BM would've been supportive & encouraging rather than spitting crap out about skids being "terrified" of DH. I don't know how well your DH & BM get along, but if they're decent toward each other, maybe the 3 of them could talk things out. Otherwise, an outside mediator would help. That way, accusations can't be made without the accused being there to take up for themselves, & words can't be confused. And it really would benefit SD to be able to learn to express her feelings to her mom. If she truly is scared, with your DH or a counselor being present, it'd help her feel safer in doing so.