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Visitation and phone calls

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Mon, 07/22/2013 - 3:36pm

Bulllet's blog got me to thinking about this. When we only had EOW visitation, they weren't coming to see me. They were coming to see dh.

When they talked on the phone, they weren't calling/answering to talk to me. They were calling and answering to talk to dh.

To be blunt, I didn't want to talk with them. I wanted and want them to have as much time with their dad as possible. I'm not a doormat to them, and don't tolerate them being mean to me. But I think so many of these sks are hurting, and will open up more about their problems if they just talk to their dad.

My SDs used to tell dh all the time that they hated me. They used to be rude to me. What I figured out is that is kid-speak. It was them trying to let their dad know they needed help in coping. They were a lot younger then, and would've had difficulty phrasing things the way we adults do. And dh learned all that too. So he got them help and started talking about their problems more with them.

I truly believe that me taking that approach helped these kids feel more comfortable in reaching out to their dad. I truly believe it helped bring them peace and some degree of healing. And I truly believe we all get along better because of it.

To me, even if dad doesn't see the kid often, he can and should ask the kid, in a concerned way, is everything ok ? You seem to be struggling with a lot. I love you unconditionally and am always willing to talk with you to try and help you.

Comments

bearcub25's picture

Submitted by bearcub25 on Mon, 07/22/2013 - 4:06pm

I told DSO this when SS13 was in juvie. That he only want to be with you. SS doesn't want to do family stuff b/c he doesn't want to be around me at all. DSO will only go do things with skids if I come along or plan it all.

So DSO books a cabin and with just him and SS and SD. SS still goes off the deep end and goes back to BMs.

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Mon, 07/22/2013 - 4:08pm

I'm glad that worked for you, but unless your situation is identical to Bullets, then you cannot compare the two.

I disengaged from DH's kid and when she came over I was polite but did not speak to her. When DH texts her or speaks to her by phone, I do not engage in a conversation with them. Nor do I FB or email her.

But that is my situation and I would not recommend Bullet do this because our circumstances are so very different. However I would if someone posted something that showed me they were in my shoes.

Also, Bullet is still trying to show her SS that she cares about him and I believe she wants him to have a relationship with the baby as they grow up. That would be more difficult if there is continued animosity between Bullet and her SS. She is trying to pave the way for her kid and her DH's kid to be siblings.

Sunflower1's picture

Submitted by Sunflower1 on Mon, 07/22/2013 - 5:30pm

I get what your saying, although I personally am on the flip side of the coin. I work weekends so when FSD is with us, I see her for maybe half an hour in the morning and perhaps an hour at night. The plus side is that she gets time with just her and her father, the down side is its hard to bond with a child when you have that limited of time with them. I'll take a vacation day here and there so we can all do something together. Overall though, I strongly believe that them having their alone time has made the transition easier than it would have been otherwise.