Blended family is once again a split family
........9 months ago I took on my SS aged 14 as his BM and new partner weren't coping. SS was badly behaved at school, violent at home and generally uncontrollable. I gave him a new life, new school, new everything. All of this is what he wanted after numerous talks between himself and the four adults co-parenting. He had been in trouble with the police for assault and he wasn't getting on with his new SF. This went on for several months so changes needed to be made so everyone was happy.
Sadly one evening SS repeatedly kicked me in the ribs until I lost hold of the banister and fell down the stairs. He fractured 2 of my ribs. He also attacked my mother. Repeatedly punched her in the head all whilst my DD aged 5 was watching. My DH was working away. He had to come home and remove him from the house. I was mortified. They went yo a hotel because his BM and partner wouldn't have him back in their home.
It's been a horrible time and horrible experience. It broke my heart. I loved my SS so much. Done so much for him over the years as anybody would. We got on great but I just can't get over what happened and we have not seen each other since. I just don't know what to do. My DH still has a relationship with him but I'm just not present. I feel cut out but at the same time I don't know if I can face my SS. I don't know how to move forwards? If I should? Or what the right answer is?
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Does your DH actually expect
Does your DH actually expect you to? Is this something that you are putting on yourself?
You were assaulted violently. Did you press charges? I don't think you should ever be expected to have any association with him. I think I would be wrong of your DH to expect anything else. If he feels the need to still connect with his son, fine, but he needs to do it away from you and your daughter.
I am so sorry you had to go through this!
Why in hells bells was he not
Why in hells bells was he not charged with assault or attempted murder?! Is he in therapy? Has your DH looked into residential care? Anything?!
This is a kid SCREAMING for help. He could have killed you and your mother. Let that sink in: You. Could. Have. Died. He. Could. Have. KILLED. You.
The only thing you need to do is press charges against him, get him in the system and out of your home, and into help. Shuffling him from parent to parent won't fix this. If he doesn't end up in jail because of you, he will because he beats or kills someone else.
The time for love and affection and attention is long over. Now is the time to act to protect yourself and others. If you won't file charges against him for yourself, then at least do it for your mother.
I'm with the others, this kid
I'm with the others, this kid needs to be in Family Court facing charges for his actions. He's going to end up in prison if his parents don't do something - NOW. Protecting him from consequences will just result in delaying the inevitable.
And no, of course you should not have to face him again, at least not until you see that he has appropriate treatment for whatever is causing this behavior, and has expressed sincere remorse and changed behavior for a significant period of time.
What??
You don't know what to do??? Are you high on pain meds? He kicked you down stairs and punched your mother in the head while your 5 year old witnessed it. Maybe you're having trouble with this. Your daughter watched HER MOTHER AND GRANDMOTHER BRUTALLY ASSAULTED. Your daughter witnessed an attempted murder. Your 5 year old child almost lost her mother. Your kindergarten aged, tiny daughter has an exceptionally diligent guardian angel that she didn't get brutally kicked in the ribs or the head.
I'd press charges against my own f*cking kid for that. I would file an ironclad restraining order against anyone who even whispered a thought to themselves about raising a hand to me.
Go down, file a report, get a restraining order. You will not have to worry about a roof over SS's head when he is in jail until 21.
edit: He punched your MOTHER in the head.
His OWN MOTHER will
His OWN MOTHER will not have him in her home. That is how dangerous he is. But you are wondering what the right thing to do is following a brutal assault on you and your mother in front of your small child? Wow. Ok then. If you are willing to martyr yourself that is your business but find a safe place for your mother and child to live and make sure your life insurance is paid up.
I don't know the details as
I don't know the details as it was years before I met DH. But BM sent SS34 to live with DH and wife #2 when SS was about 15 because SS was uncontrollable. SS ended up in juvie for 3 1/2 years for some horrible actions that no one will talk about. DH was divorced when SS got out and let him live with him until he again got too violent and had to be removed with police escort.
Stay safe.
You need to press charges
If your DD is with your current DH, you run the risk of your STB ex getting custody, or even some parenting time of the SS, and your DD visiting there.
DH wants us to move forwards
Its coming to a point where I don't think my marriage can survive thus. We separated for four months. We still argue about this because I have very strong feelings on the matter. My DD seems to have forgotten about it and wants to see her HB. I'm the bad person for not wanting her to see him when I voice my oponion. I spoke to school about it and asked them to keep an eye on my DD. I restored calmness in the home and tried to keep things normal after the event. Social services got involved and agreed I took all the correct steps in removing him and protecting my DD. A report went in to the police and I know you're not going to like this but I didn't press charges. What I wanted was help for my SS but social services said he wasn't naughty enough to receive help from them. He has and is going through counselling. And yes I am now on meds as it created panic attacks with me and they help to stabilise my feelings of dread and panic.
Your DH is an idiot. You
Your DH is an idiot. You have PTSD from this attack and all he wants to do is protect his son. You and your mother could have been killed by this kid. You are right to keep your daughter away from her half-brother, since it sounds like all he learned from this is that Dad will rescue him from consequences.
It's not too late to press charges. Do it now while he will get help as a juvenile, the consequences only get bigger as he gets older. Now, he will likely get kid probation and a mandate for getting and accepting help.
I'd divorce DH in this situation, since he cares more about his son's well-being than his wife and daughter. He's an enabler.
Did you actually
Did you actually use the word "naughty" to discribe him? "Wasn't naughty enough?" Since when is assault and battery "naughty????"
If this happened 4 months ago you can still press charges. And you said that this kid is your daughter's half brother. That means that, in the event of a divorce, your H will be able to have her around this budding psychopath and there will be exactly jack all that you can do about it unless there is a restraining order and criminal record following him. Clearly his judgment is not good where this kid is concerned!
Back with BM
Just to clarify he was taken back by his BM and SF a week after the event and has not been in my home since it happened
PRESS CHARGES
press charges and get a restraining order before your idiot husband allowed this violent monster to kick the sh*t out of your daughter.
All I hear is 'He's my son'
Whatever I say or however I feel that's the ultimate line I get. He tells me that the children miss each other. It's a difficult situation. Do I take my daughter away from her BF because of this? I get told by my DH that my DH loves me. I don't dispute that. And it is his son. It would be wrong to disown him. It's a complete mess. I'm the black sheep in all this or it's at least how I feel. I am under no illusion what my SS has done is serious. Unforgivable. Wrong. Disgusting. Nasty. And all the rest of it. It's a situation I don't wish on anybody
No one is asking your DH to
No one is asking your DH to "disown" him. But he is not doing his son any favors by not giving him the consequences he needs to experience for his actions. That's the part that would make me crazy. Of course he still loves his son! Notasm3's DH still loves his son after all the crap he's pulled. That's not the point. The point is that the kid had no consequences for a brutal assault that left you with PTSD.
Frankly, IMO, your skid will be in prison by 18 and no longer an issue for you, if you can wait that long. This level of violence does not point to a good prognosis.
Who cares?
What is wrong with you? Go to the cops tomorrow with the medical reports from you and your mother. Press charges, get a restraining order.
Who cares who's son he is? He tried to kill you. Why are you waiting around to slap him with the law? Your husband has already sold you out, who cares what he says about this? Grow a backbone, do what need stop be done to protect your daughter. I don't know the correlation between assault and sexual abuse but the kid likes power. God forbid to think what he will do to a little girl if he's allowed alone with her.
Juvenile offenders will
Juvenile offenders will cry big bitter tears of remorse that tear at your heart. And then re-offend with another violent crime the next day. Because there is something wrong with them. Their brains are not wired correctly and they can not control their violent impulses. Putting them in a situation where there are vulnerable people is like putting a mouse in an aquarium with a snake. The mouse WILL get eaten and it is not the snake's fault. That is just what snakes do. Your DH will always fall for the tears and give him another chance. And another mouse. Going back and letting your daughter be in the same house with him is making you both mice.
There's nothing wrong with me
SS has never had any boundaries. Never had discipline and has been shipped from pillow to post since the age of 2. His BF worked in the navy for the first 7 years of his life as did I and I met SS at age 5. His BM is a career woman and put her work before her children. So both parents have created him. His BF left the navy and then joined the oil rigs. He's never had a routine and normality really which over the years I have flagged time and time again as the things this child was doing in my oponion have been a cry for help and attention. My mother didn't want to press charges. She is a good person like myself and we believed it wasn't the right option when we was told that he could have help. They thought he had bipolar disorder but turned out he didn't. It's been a long rough ride really for quite a few years with this the icing on the cake. My H feels guilty for not being around and his ex has always been quite difficult and used their DS and my H guilt along the way. So a lot of people have always been 'Oh poor boy' and I'm the evil one for telling SS how it is and that his behaviour is not acceptable and setting rules and consequences when he's been doing stuff wrong. However you can't fight a fight alone and need support from BM and BF.
If he doesn't have Bipolar
If he doesn't have Bipolar Disorder or Intermittent Explosive Disorder, then he most likely just has Conduct Disorder, which basically means he's a baby criminal with a poor prognosis for becoming a upstanding citizen.
Which I agree with
unless he majorly sorts his life out and what he has done has scared him in to the fact that he has nearly destroyed his own life his BF life, his HS life and my own. Personally I now don't feel responsible for how he may turn out as he's lost me as a very supportive and loving SM
Unwanted Opinion
I'm sure this opinion will not be welcomed warmly by all, but anyhow, here it is.
It not your fault, and you can love someone and try hard to provide opportunities and counseling and a stable environment for them but sometimes humans are just (in my opinion) born not wired correctly.
You said "SS was badly behaved at school, violent at home and generally uncontrollable" you lovingly took him in provided a loving and stable environment and opportunity to thrive BUT by no fault of your own, he became violent again.
I can understand your DH loves his son, as I would hope any father would, but love doesn't correct mental health problems, taking someone in and providing a stable life for them, doesn't correct mental health problems, sometimes unfortunately, even therapy and medication, doesn't correct mental health problems and sometimes people are born with mental health problems that are unrelated to their upbringing, home life or life experiences.
In your shoes, I would do the same and protect my daughter, because she deserves a stable home that SS would not make possible with his behavioral issues
Agree with this. Alot of
Agree with this. Alot of people operate from the belief that "everyone is good at heart" and that there must a really good reason to do horrible things. I completely agree that some people are just wired that way and theres some scientific evidence that backs that up. Unfortunately trying to do the right thing with someone who lacks empathy is probably only going to result in you getting taken advantage of or put on danger. Not blaming you OP, most people arent prepared or expecting to deal with someone like that but now that you know it's a good possibility that SS is like that be careful.
Some people simply
Some people simply can not grasp that not everyone is good at heart. That there are people who are just put together wrong from birth and who will do serious harm to you without reason or remorse. They walk among us and are often quite attractive and charming. And they can and will slit your throat without a change in their pulse rate.
He will never be welcome in my home
He will never be welcome in my home around my daughter. I won't do it to her or myself. I don't trust him and never will now. By age 13 he was 5 foot 9 with size 9 feet. But I can't stop my H taking my DD to see him. My DD is not scared of him and I genuinely believe my H will ensure she is always supervised and he will let no harm come of her. I don't like it. I don't want it to happen and I voice my concerns and fight and fall out but she is my H DD as well. And I get told that it isn't fair on the children to keep them apart
Stepjoke
is all this just a fun post to rile up the stepparents? Like, do you hear yourself?
-your SS is violent
-your SS tried to kill you and your mother
-your DH wants to forget that a brutal assault on his wife ever happened
-you think that the father who is covering for his violent son will protect the daughter that he is selling out to protect the violent son
-you don't want to press charges because yo are afraid of being the bad guy
No one blames you for taking SS in and trying to give him a second chance. I am judging you for your wet noodle reaction to the aftermath. You allow this man to take your daughter to see someone who broke your ribs and kicked you down the stairs. I don't care if it's her brother or not. How many times does someone have to say "violent maniac" before it sinks in?
I came here for advice and help
I came here for advice and help hoping that somebody may have been in a similar situation. This is not a post to rile step parents up. This is a post from a good woman who has been through the mill. Who is trying to make her marriage work. Who knows what happened was wrong. Who doesn't know what my future entails because of what happened. A wet noodle is something I am not. The issue is not about the police, the issue is not about my SS being a maniac. I am very aware that normal children do not behave in such a manner. I am genuinely torn for the sake of my husband and my marriage on what to do as in having contact with him again and giving him a second chance. Not to come back in my home and stay over or for us to be best friends and forget. I live with it every day. It is heart breaking that somebody would do that to anybody yet alone the woman who was their the most in recent years. I personally feel like my marriage is already over and that's a sad thing. I feel like my SS has ruined what me and my H have. And I look at my DD and I don't think she deserves not to have a full time BF with her as she hasn't done anything wrong nor have I. I merely wondered whether the right thing to do was to move forwards and have tea out somewhere with him now and again. Are wives meant to support their H or by continuing how I am will it just mean the end of my marriage because I have pushed my H away.
Well
I am speaking from experience. It doesn't get better. My own BS is allowed very limited very supervised visits with DD because he acts just like your SS. The boy never raised a hand to me, though, because he knows exactly he'd be in jail. Violent adults start as violent children and that needs to be shut down hard and immediately. He's finally starting to come around but it's been years of nailing his butt to the wall every time he thinks to step out of line. He's also been the picture of quiet politeness so that he can see his sister, they adore each other.
you are being a wet noodle. Press charges, get the restraining order. Stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. Would you let a stranger off the hook for beating you and your mother because his daddy would be upset?
Edit: you are looking at a marriage that doesn't exist with a husband you don't have. He's not a good husband, he's not a good father and you are mourning a marriage to a person who would let an adult sized male beat you mercilessly in your own home. Grow up, do what's best to protect your daughter, stop making lame excuses that it might be ok just to try and save a non marriage. If your DH is willing to divorce you for pressing charges against the person that broke your ribs and PUNCHED YOUR MOTHER IN THE HEAD.. let him go.
Honestly, no I wouldn't
Maybe I am being a wet noodle then and believe me I'm not the type of individual to care what others may think of me. I didn't want to ruin his life. Yes I know he could of ruined mine and my mother's. It just feels like a no win situation and whatever I may chose I am going to lose and going to mess my DDs life up in the process
No!
you wouldn't be ruining his life. If anything is ruined, it's because he chose to try and murder someone.
I just sometimes think
My H is stuck between a rock and a hard place and I try and put myself in his shoes. Sadly, I don't think he puts himself in mine
"Stuck between
"Stuck between a rock and a hard place??" I think the cliche that is more appropriate for a man who would even dream of putting you in this position is "F*ck him and the horse he rode in on!"
"I am genuinely torn for the
"I am genuinely torn for the sake of my husband and my marriage on what to do as in having contact with him again and giving him a second chance. "
Can't you see that you gave him a second chance when you took him in after his mother threw him out. How many "second chances" do yoiu think he should get?
I took him in
I took him in because I loved my H and my SS and genuinely believed at the time that SS wasn't happy with BM and SF so changed it all for him. Sadly it just turned out that it wasn't that at all and it was just SS as a person but we all make mistakes and can read situations wrong and a situation I wanted to make better for him was just not possible because the issue lied with him
Pressing charges actually might have helped...
Again, another sticky opionion, but honestly, he is 14, not yet an adult and most likely not be charged as an adult, but pressing charges might have actually helped to open up more resourses for him to get help if his mentl health situation allows for help to correct the situation.
If not helped him, might have at least alerted the local police to be on the list of teens to keep under close watch.
It is on his file
What happened is on his police record and the police in his local area have been made aware of this when he moved back to his BM.
No your marriage will not survive this
your DH is not reality. This kid must be put into a residential hospital until he can control himself. First of all if BM and SF could not control him, what make you think you and DH could control him?? Guest you can not. Until DH take care of his son, and put you over is kid your marriage will not survive this. This kid most likely will be like this the feast of his life.
He had us believe the issues were not him
More fool me. He told all four adults that he wanted routine and to come home to the same place each night which was something I was able to provide. I believed I was helping and despite his behaviour he had never been that way to me or his BF in 8 years
A report went in to the
Social services said he wasn't "naughty" enough because you didn't press charges. A report to the police is just a piece of paper unless you press charges.
However the police said
That he would be referred to social services and would receive the help he needs and his BM would receive help for him too. I believed that would happen because they told me that.
Stepjoke is in the UK and
Stepjoke is in the UK and courts here do not have the same attitude as in the us, the chances are the SS would only get 6mths suspended for 1 yr so as long as he doesn't get in trouble within that time nothing will happen. But Social Services will remove Stepjoke's child from her if she doesn't keep them safe.
This kid must be put into a residential hospital until he can control himself - we do not have such facitlies in this country it's hard enough to get some into a facitily with help of medical/police help/advice.
Anyway the best you can do StepJoke is to keep your DD and yourself safe and that means you have to leave your DH then that's what you need to do or risk your DD going in to care.
Which is what I did
I safeguarded my daughter and social services were happy that I took all the right steps as I informed school who informed them and I reported it to the police. Social services closed my case as they were not concerned with the current situation i.e. SS was removed from the home within 2 hours of the incident and grandparents took DD home with them for the evening. Police said if I was to press charges because he was only 14 he would get a smack on the wrist and sent on his way. Like I said I wanted help and the police aren't the right people to help him. There's no support that exists here it feels. His BM is paying for private counselling because they got told after taking him to the doctors that it could take 6 months to a year before he got seen for his mental health. School didn't try and work with him they kicked him out and then he got turned down from 2 other schools we applied for. To be honest I felt quite alone when trying to fix him believing I could. Then the worst happens which has created such a split in the family. I found this site as there doesn't seem to be much support around for step-parents and gone are the days of being able to give your child a scoring as they have more rights than parents which unfortunately they all know once they get to a certain age. Therefore, there's no respect of teachers or parents anymore
That's my point the only
That's my point the only thing you can do is to keep you dd safe and let your DH and BM deal with their child as they see fit, but keeping yourself safe.
You could speak to Social Services about how you marriage is falling apart and your fears that your DH may take your DD to see SS and what you can do to make sure she is safe.
I didn't realise
Thank you. I will do that in the new year or tomorrow if they are running as normal. It is a major concern although I don't think people think it is for me. It is. But at first my DD had nothing to do with my SS for approx 6 months then I just get the H going on and pecking and pecking and the guilt trip of how they should see each other supervised by him and the promise that she will be safe and my DD also asking to see him and stating she misses him. If she was scared of him she wouldn't want to see him. She wouldn't be happy to go and I know people are going to say she's 5 she doesn't know her own mind and that isn't me protecting her but her BF is also there to protect her and if I did split then nothing would change DD would still be in contact with her HB. Courts wouldn't entertain a restraining order and police wouldn't get involved, they would just say it's a civil matter
So she hasn't seen him since
So she hasn't seen him since the incident? I think you might be underestimating her reaction if she does see him. Yoiu think she has forgotten the incident? Children often subconsciously push bad memories out of their minds but all it takes is a trigger and it all comes flooding back. If the attack was bad enough to give you PTSD flashbacks, just imagine what seeing your SS and all the memories flooding back could do to her. Please don't do that to her. At 5, she isn't mature enough to process the violence like you did.
But I can't stop my H taking
Are you kidding me? You can't stop him? There is no way my kid would come within 101 yards of this arsehole skid. You are willing to rely on your husband to protect her? The husband who shows no interest in protecting you?
You need to stop talking about what a good woman you are and instead start thinking about becoming a smart woman with a hard spine. That's my advice.
I’m just curios what made you
I’m just curios what made your mother choose not to press charges since she was assaulted also?
Because
He's a child. And she didn't think it was the right option like myself. This doesn't make a woman weak. Like everyone seems to think. Amazing how so many people can have such an opinion when they know nothing about the person who is playing here. I came here for support. This seems to be another site full of trolls putting other human beings down instead of showing kindness. And that is exactly what is wrong with this world.
I'm not sure where the train
I'm not sure where the train de-railed on the reading comprehension, but I asked, out of curiosity, if your mother had pressed charges...period. There was no censure or "trolling".
People who "show kindness"
People who "show kindness" and "turn the other cheek" to this level of violence tend to end up dead. How ruined would his life be after murder charges are filed? Who do you think he'll kill? You? Your daughter? Your husband? All of you?
I don't need to know much about you or your mom. The actions you described here tell me everything I need to know about your 5' 9" stepson who likes to beat on smaller women. Left untreated (sorry a therapist once a week ain't gonna cut it) this kind of violence escalates until someone is dead. You may luck out and he won't kill you or your daughter. He will beat and eventually murder the first girl he tricks into loving him. He's already excellent at manipulation as he has you very fooled.
At 14, there is still a chance that a very long, very thorough, inpatient psychiatric program where he is monitored 24/7 would help turn him around. Rugsweeping gives him zero chances.
Inviting this troubled kid back into your life is playing Russian roulette with a loaded gun. You can tell yourself you were only showing him kindness right up until your funeral. We bury dead women every day who never pressed charges. We bury entire families every day because of Rugsweeping.
But go ahead and be mad at strangers trying to save your life. That makes much more sense than being mad at the person who almost killed you. He will try again. I just hope you're still around to hear the "I told you sos."
If you want pointless kindness
If you want pointless kindness, get a puppy. The women here are trying to prevent you, your daughter, and your mother from being viciously attacked again despite your steadfast arguments for allowing vulnerability. THAT is true kindness. If you can not see that then you are living in a Pollyanna fantasy and there is no reaching you.
My Stepson was violent too....
His mother relinquished custody of him to us in June of this year because his behavior had become out of control. He is 11 years old, six feet tall and autistic. We learned that his violence and temper tantrums were less a result of his autism and more about him being a spoiled brat who got away with anything with his mother. Her final straw was when he hit her - she sent him to live with us. I was furious.
I hear you regarding your concerns and that he is a child, therefore the immediate reaction of filing a report, restraining order, etc. is less than desirable. I do understand that. In my situation, I let my DH know that if his violence even HINTED at one of us versus walls, couches, personal items, etc., that he would no longer be welcome in my home. I wouldn't care where they went or what they did, I wasn't going to expose myself or my children (all older, but shorter lol) to that.
My SS is a child, too - however, that can't and doesn't excuse ANYTHING in my opinion. Thankfully, my DH was on board with us agreeing that if things got out of hand even one more time, the police would be called. I believe strongly in consequences, whether you're autistic or not. I agree with some of the previous posters about a violent child grows up to be a violent adult.
In my case, medical marijuana is available for children on the spectrum so we signed him up as soon as we realized. He has now been on CBD for 3 weeks. Things are MUCH better. Are we out of the water yet? I am not inclined to think so, but the same rule for me still stands: That large child takes so much as one swing at any of us and he's gone.
I'm sorry you don't feel as supported here - you should. I know nothing is ever black and white in these situations and many of us have strong opinions. It sounds like you are - but please just protect yourself, your daughter and your mother. You do not have to be subject to violence or abuse just because he's a child.
Sending you peace and love.
You asked for it
"Amazing how so many people can have such an opinion when they know nothing about the person who is playing here. I came here for support. This seems to be another site full of trolls putting other human beings down instead of showing kindness. And that is exactly what is wrong with this world."
You have received responses from some of the wisest people on this forum. They are not trolls, but rather individuals who are taking the time to respond with thoughtful insight, and some have "first hand" experience with matters of physical abuse/violence.
YOU, DH, BM, SF, and your mother cannot change SS despite your love and good intentions. Clearly, SS has deeply rooted psychological damage beyond your (and anyone else's) ability to "love him out of it." Violence of this nature is going to take more than weekly counseling sessions.
This is beyond your control - you do not have the expertise to assess and determine the causation whether it's psychological make-up and/or brain chemical imbalance. "I gave him a new life, new school, new everything." "To be honest I felt quite alone when trying to fix him believing I could." Take your ego out of this. You are not going to fix or cure SS of his issues despite how you change the "outer" surroundings. Your duty is to create safe boundaries for yourself and your daughter. Your DH is most likely feeling guilt over SS, but he needs to put that aside in order to really help his son.
I understand your defensive posture to the posters on here, but the responses are clearly "concerned" for you and your daughter. If SS is not held accountable in some way, the only thing he learns is that "he can be a repeat offender." When you parent, you need to think "long term" results! If SS starts believing that he doesn't have to fear consequences, his moral barometer and behavior will run amuck into adulthood.
Sometimes the greatest compassionate act is to allow someone to FAIL (aka..suffer the consequences) because this is what catalyzes the "lesson" they must learn. Your own lesson is something you need to think about. You can love someone and feel empathy for them without allowing yourself to be the target of their destructive behavior.
"I feel cut out but at the same time I don't know if I can face my SS. I don't know how to move forwards? If I should? Or what the right answer is?"
You posted inferring you wanted feedback and you got it. Just because it is not what you would like to hear doesn't mean it does not hold value. I do hope you heed some of the advice so you do not put yourself and your DD in jeopardy. Perhaps it is not the time to invite SS back into your life...that doesn't mean that it is forever. When he shows remorse and his violent behavior ceases then he may be able to have healthy relationships.